Saturday, December 27, 2008
"This is one of the first studies to report that both peer and parent influences are independently associated with smoking and drinking," said lead author Bruce Simons-Morton, Ed.D., M.P.H., of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development at National Institutes of Health, in Bethesda, Maryland.
The teen study participants took a substance abuse survey that included questions on how many of their friends smoke and drink and how often friends had encouraged them to smoke or drink over the past year. The teens were also asked how aware their parents were of their daily activities, about their parents' expectations concerning smoking and drinking and about their parents' level of regard for them.
Girls and boys who associated with friends who smoke and drank were more likely to do so themselves, the researchers found. "Our findings underscore the powerful influence affiliation with substance-using peers can have on smoking and drinking," said Simons-Morton.
Parents also appeared to influence teen smoking and drinking, the researchers found. "Teens who perceived that their parents like them, respect them, take them seriously, listen to them and give reasons for rules and decisions that involve them were less likely to smoke and drink," said Simons-Morton.
"Teens with parents who do not establish clear behavioral expectations, do not keep themselves informed about their teen's life and do not demonstrate their regard for their teen are more likely to experiment with substance use," the researcher added.
Do you like and respect your kids? Of course you do! But, do your kids believe that you like and respect them? Do you take your kids seriously? Of course you do! But, it has been my experience that only when parents take the time to explain their thoughts to their kids (as opposed to just ordering them around and sternly lecturing them) do the kids actually feel as though they are liked, loved, and respected by their parents.
Yes, they will rebel and try to circumvent the rules, but only as an attempt to test your love for them! Be consistent, be clear, and always check on your kids, to help to ensure that they are staying away from all forms of drugs.
Hang in there! Your kids need you!!
Paul W. Reeves
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Have you ever considered the gift that your child wants the most? A bike? No. A guitar or drum set? No. A computer or software? No. How about an iPod? No.
Although I have never met a child who has refused to accept the aforementioned gifts, the gift that your child truly wants is ................... YOU!! Yes, despite their daily rants about the restrictions that you place upon them, the multitude of “unfair” accusations that are lobbed your way, and the total disdain with which they look at you sometimes, the most important gift to any child is YOU and your TIME!
A few years ago, a 6th grade student (11 years old) named Robert told me about the harrowing experience that he had encountered with his dad during the previous weekend. His dad was hanging Christmas lights from their gutters on their 2-story home. It was somewhat windy and his dad even mentioned that he was a little concerned climbing up and down the ladder. At one point, he told his son to hold the bottom of the ladder just in case the wind decided to wreak some havoc.
Despite the bikes, guitars, drums sets, iPods, etc., that Robert’s mom and dad had provided in the past or might provide in the future, at that very moment he learned that his most important gift was his parents. He realized that, most important of all, he liked having his mom and dad home early from work; he liked their help with homework; he liked knowing that his dad would battle the “bad guys” if they broke in during the night; and he realized that his mom and dad took care of all of his needs because they loved him.
Without his parents and the time that they spent with him, Robert, on that windy Sunday afternoon, suddenly realized that he would have nobody to take care of him. Needless to say, according to Robert, his gift "needs" changed on that day.
So, yes, despite their constant blathering about their parents and their accompanying foibles and other deficiencies, kids are happiest and most secure when they have parents who love them, spend time with them, provide for their needs, have fun with them, and provide the emotional security blanket that they so richly need.
Merry Christmas - and give your child the most needed and most precious Christmas gift of all ...... YOU!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, December 20, 2008
a. Bring up the topic and openly discuss it, so that they know that I am aware of drug use with adolescents.
b. Let them know that I am going to be checking with them on a regular basis.
c. Give legitimacy to their thoughts and likes/dislikes, so that I don't come off as a know-it-all, although I do want them to have the confidence that I am at least a "little" smarter than they are - they won't acknowledge this, but it gives them great comfort to know that their parents are fully in the game!
d. Check for body language and the tone of the answers to ensure that the actual answers match!
Dad: Hey, did you see that music awards show last night?
Daughter: Yeah, I did. It was great. All of my favorite bands were on!
Dad: I suppose that I’ll never understand some of today’s music, but, then again, my parents said the same thing about the Beatles. I’ve always believed that good music eventually becomes etched in time and it holds its place in music history. I think that’s why the music of Bach and Beethoven, as well as the Beatles and Elvis Presley, is still popular today. It represented quality in their specific areas of expertise.
Daughter: Yeah, but, N’SYNC is really cool!
Dad: Well, you said that about the Spice Girls, too. And look where they are today? They don’t even exist!
Daughter: Well, O.K., I guess you were right about the Spice Girls, but I think that N’SYNC is in the Beethoven category.
Daughter: What? N’SYNC or the Backstreet Boys?
Dad: Well, both of them actually! But seriously, I noticed that many of the rock stars had that drugged out look about them. Do you know what I mean? They had sagging eyes, they looked at least 20 years older than they were, they were skinny as rails, drugs will do that to you, you know, and their eyes had somewhat of a glassy stare. Did you notice that?
Daughter: Yeah, a little. But the guys from N’SYNC seem to be clean cut.
Dad: Yes, they seem to be. But I just don’t understand why some of these rock stars, with their talent, fame, and money, feel the need to use drugs. After using that stuff for a while, your brain starts to become fried and your physical appearance starts to go downhill. Now, I’m sure that the drugs that they took felt great at the time, but look at them now! They’ve probably chopped years off of their lives with the drug use. I just don’t understand it, do you?
Daughter: No, I don’t. But I guess that they think it’s cool to use drugs with their friends.
Dad: Oh, I’m sure that you’re right. One of their friends probably had drugs at a party one night and offered it to them. Or maybe they smoked cigarettes when they were kids and the smoking led to the need for more powerful drugs. Do any of your friends smoke?
Daughter: No, dad, they don’t. That’s the 10 millionth time that you have asked that question since I was five years old.
Daughter: Yeah, dad that’s true. You’ll never be a rock star!
Dad: Well, I guess I’ll take that as a compliment! Has anybody ever offered you drugs?
Daughter: Now, dad, you know my friends are square!
Dad: Well, some of them act square around me, that’s for sure. In fact, a lot of kids act square around me. I call it the Eddie Haskell syndrome.
Daughter: The Eddie who, what?
Dad: The Eddie …. oh, never mind. It's just that kids often act differently around their friends than they do when they are around their friends’ parents. But, seriously, have you ever been offered drugs? I mean, any kind, illegal, legal like Tylenol, Motrin, or anything?
Dad: Well, when I was offered drugs, I definitely said no. Of course, my friends suddenly didn’t think that I was totally cool after that, but they did seem to gain respect for me. Will you let me know if you’re ever offered anything?
Throughout the conversation, I was able to convey the following elements:
1) The damage that drugs will do your brain and body.
2) My thoughts that drugs are damaging.
3) Questioned my daughter about her drug use.
4) Questioned her about her friends’ drug use.
5) Gave legitimacy to her music.
6) Listed a means by which drug use can start.
7) My own chances to try drugs (I said no!).
Most important of all ...... my daughter learned that I WILL keep checking on her for her safety and well-being!
Hang in there and check with your kids on a regular basis about the evils of Using Illicit Substances, including drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Although you won't get the feedback for several years, their confidence, self-esteem, and feeling of security will grow when their mom/dad continues to convey a sense of caring and involvement!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, December 13, 2008
While those techniques certainly have their place and can be effective, I also use the caring, fatherly approach. My messages are generally packed with the following information (NOTE: Although the following tips are in regard to UIS, the same tips can be used when discussing any issue):
1) I tell my child the latest news that I might have heard, regarding UIS, such as a commercial or TV show that I saw (and which I suspect that she saw or about which she might have been told), an injury or death in the newspaper that resulted UIS, or maybe some news from her school, my school, or our community. The source of the information is not important, as long as it is relevant.
3) I then indicate how I would handle the similar situation if it had been presented to me. Of course, I am substantially older than a middle school student with many years of educational experience and three college degrees behind me, but it’s always good for my kids to hear how a responsible adult would handle the situation. Although they might disagree and even argue that my method was silly and would never work in today’s middle school setting (kids always say that their parents are out-of-step, don’t they?), it is still good for them to hear (over and over) how a responsible adult would handle the problem.
4) Then comes the big step! It’s time to ask your child how he/she would have handled the same problem or how they reacted to the problem that you presented. Hopefully, he/she will occasionally disagree with you. If your kids consistently agree with your line of reasoning, WATCH OUT! They are merely attempting to placate you, so that they can get on to their lives at the moment. Be sure to listen carefully, as their answers can often provide unintentional insight into their patterns of thinking, their true intentions, and their friends.
So, yes, as difficult as it might be, continually raise the issues of the day with your children, including UIS, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc., so that they know that you’re aware of the issues, that you care about their reactions and abstinence, and so that they know that you care about them!
Remember, remaining silent will be much easier, but it will also signal to your kids that you don’t care! So, it’s time to TALK!TALK!TALK! to your kids ….. every day as much as possible!!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Before you utilize the TTT method, you must first gain an understanding of your child, so that you can determine which approach will work the best. For example if your child is able to listen to you without feeling threatened, the one-on-one approach might work best. If your child tunes you out during one-on-one discussions or immediately feels threatened or unloved due to your approach, then a non-direct eye contact method should be used.
For example, when facing my daughter one-on-one for a prolonged, caring discussion, she is able to understand my message, internalize it, and put it to use. It is also during these times that she is able to understand that I truly care about her and that I want the best for her.
He is not being disrespectful; he is simply unable to face a constant onslaught of these one-on-one direct messages. As his parent, I can force him to remain in place for my lecture, but due to his personality and his increasing desire to be removed from the conversation, my message does not have the impact that I desire. In fact, due to the fact that he is constantly trying to think of ways to get out of the lecture, he will not retain most of my message.
However, when I talk to him while driving the car, lying on his bedroom floor with him on his bed (both of us on our backs, staring at the ceiling, and avoiding eye contact), or chatting during the preparation of breakfast, my messages are well-received. In fact, these situations seem to encourage him to verbally respond in appropriate ways!
Stop by next week for some tips to use when engaging in detailed and successful TALK!TALK!TALK! session between you and child!!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I am reminded of a terrific middle school student of mine from several years ago named Ben. Ben was the perfect child/student in every way. He was handsome with movie star good looks and jet blond hair, a gifted percussionist, sought by all of the girls for courting, and sought by all of the boys because their personal stock rose when they were in the company of Ben!
In addition, Ben always got an “A” in every single class. On top of all of that, Ben was just about the nicest child in the entire school. In fact, during the years that Ben was my student, even though he was 12-14 years old and my daughter was pre-birth through nine months old, I was sometimes wished that Ben would wait for my precious daughter to grow up, so that he could marry her!
Yes, he was so perfect that he was good enough for my own daughter (as many boys in our town can attest, my daughter’s father has a very high scale for her potential suitors!).
With all of his attributes and gifts, you might think that some middle school students would become jealous of Ben. But, no, he was revered and loved by all!
I don’t remember the cost of the gaming system, but I do recall that Ben had indicated that the individual games were $50.00 each (in 1987 prices)!!! While this was my first experience with one of these devilish toys, and while I couldn’t believe that anything that cost that much money for one game could be good for a child, I was willing to wait and see the effects. Over the next few weeks, I did notice that Ben and his friends could speak of little else, other than the latest video game that he had obtained and conquered, sometimes with the help of his friends. Before-school and lunchtime stories were filled with killing, annihilating, and the severing of limbs that had occurred on the previous night’s game.
Well, it was only a few weeks until I noticed that Mr. Perfect Ben had become angry and insolent with his friends, unfocused and disinterested in class, tired on most days, and, even though he had been able to previously speak intelligently on a variety of subjects, he was now solely wired to speak of his video games, sometimes even during class! Other teachers began to notice the change, as well.
To make a long story short, I spoke to Ben’s parents, who were both highly-paid and well-respected professionals, about the substantial changes in Ben’s behavior and schoolwork. After several conversations, they agreed to limit Ben’s video game activity. In fact, they told me that they had punished Ben for his improper behavior in the home by taking away his game system for the weekend. They indicated that his behavior that weekend was similar to person who is in the detox unit of the hospital (no kidding!).
YES!! However, how many times has a similar scenario played out in many other homes and the parents did not act to intervene as did Ben’s parents? In my experience, very few parents have taken the necessary steps to intervene, because they have been led to believe that the video games are not dangerous or injurious to a child. WRONG! How about your house?
So, watch the games that your kids are playing, monitor the number of hours that they log with the games, and take the necessary steps to protect your child!
Now that you've been sufficiently motivated, we'll take a break from the video games for a little while. Hang in there and take care of your kids!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Back when you and I were little tykes, that time was used to speak with friends and family, play baseball, basketball and other sports, study, complete chores or tasks in the household, reading, or even just plain relaxing. Now, with over 30 hours per week devoted to video games, your child may simply be too tired and stressed to engage in any other activities, ….. other than eating, of course!
According to the National Institute on Media and the Family, “When time spent playing video games reaches a point that it harms a child's or adult's family and social relationships, or disrupts school or work life, that person may be caught in a cycle of addiction. Like other addictions, the video game has replaced friends and family as the source of a person's emotional life. Increasingly, to feel good, the addicted person spends more time playing video games. Time away from the game causes moodiness or withdrawal.
This is a good moment to ask yourself, including all of the hours of the week, even when you’re not home, is your child logging more than five hours a day of video gaming? Of course, while it is not actual playing time, this includes the hours of game research, questioning of friends to learn new tricks to unlocking secrets to their favorite games (so, that they can kill more people!), and thinking of new tactics, as well. Unfortunately, I can speak from my experience with middle school kids (more on this in a future post), that what begins as a seemingly harmless event eventually turns into a level of addiction. The only question is to what degree will your child become addicted.
Continuing with the research by the National Institute on Media and the Family, they have defined the symptoms of video game addiction as follows:
• Most of non-school hours are spent on the computer or playing video games.
• Falling asleep in school.
• Not keeping up with assignments.
• Worsening grades.
• Lying about computer or video game use.
• Choosing to use the computer or play video games, rather than see friends.
• Dropping out of other social groups (clubs or sports).
• Irritable when not playing a video game or on the computer.
There are even physical symptoms that might point to addiction:
• Carpal tunnel syndrome.
• Sleep disturbances
• Back, neck aches
• Dry eyes
• Failure to eat regularly or neglect personal hygiene
In the meantime, the Thanksgiving break can provide children with a lot of unstructured time in which to engage in video game activities. Be sure to monitor the content of the video games, as well as the number of minutes/hours that are spent with the games. After all, this should be the perfect family weekend! Have a great holiday!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, November 15, 2008
If your middle school child has one or more of the aforementioned game systems, or other similar systems, based on many years of watching students fall into the trap and allure of these systems, my advice to you is to explain to your child that you’re trying to be the best parent that you can be, you want your child to grow up to be a healthy and well-adjusted adult, and that you’re willing to do anything at all to help them succeed in life, and then …….. GET RID OF THEM RIGHT AWAY! The game systems, that is, not your kids!
While the concept of such video games might appear to be innocuous, these games can have an addictive and debilitating effect on your child, particularly as they advance through “killing” various characters to get to the desired location on the game, encounter scantily clad men and women throughout the games, and increase their addictive intensity levels as they get closer to the desired victory over the enemy!
And, if you say that you’re a parent who would never allow such garbage in to your home, that’s terrific! However, I then have two questions for you: 1) Have you actually sat with your child for the necessary hours (yes, HOURS!) when he/she plays the games to make that determination, and 2) Does your child have access to these games at a friend’s house?
It has been my experience that the playing of even the friendliest games can lead to the beginning of an addiction that can only be satisfied by playing more and more of the dangerous games.
I will write more in the coming days on video game addiction. For now, please be sure to monitor the video games that your child plays and to log the number of hours that are spent with these games!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Do they receive any? Do your kids actually know your views on UIS? Do they firmly believe that there will be dire consequences if you were to find out that they have been experimenting with UIS?
As difficult as it may be, it is not the job of the school, church, counselors, your kids’ friends, or other adults to lay and maintain the foundation for your kids to understand that UIS is forbidden in your house and in your family. It is your job and, if you haven’t already done so, the time to begin is now. As I have seen this happen way too many times in my years with middle school kids, there will come a time when it will be too late for you to have any influence on your kids in this area.
If you haven't already done so, get involved with giving your kids the proper messages on staying away from UIS. They are already getting messages that UIS is cool, trendy, "everybody does it", etc. It is YOUR job to ensure that they receive the proper message to stay from the Use of Illicit Substances!!
Hang in there, give your kids the right messages, and monitor their behavior and friends, and they will be given a tremendous opportunity to grow up to be healthy, productive, and happy adults!
Paul W. Reeves
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Using alcohol and tobacco at a young age increases the risk of using other drugs later. Some teens will experiment and stop, or continue to use occasionally, without significant problems. Others will develop a dependency, moving on to more dangerous drugs and causing significant harm to themselves and possibly others.
During my years as a Middle School Assistant Principal, I once lived in the same neighborhood as my students (unbelievably, my house was never egged!!). One of my neighbors, Ned, was a classic, textbook case of a middle school child who initially engaged in smoking cigarettes behind the shed in his backyard (he stole the cigarettes from his dad and uncle) and then “graduated” into cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs that he was able to purchase (his dad was quite wealthy and, instead of giving him the love and guidance that he needed, he peppered him with money, not only the $100.00 per week for allowance, but also anytime Ned asked for money, his dad gladly forked it over!).
His mother seemed quite nice, although somewhat immature and, perhaps, not the best candidate for a mother to a child who was suffering. His father, a successful attorney with movie star looks seemed to be the only hope for Ned on the home front. Although I delved into every aspect of Ned’s life with him, I always came up empty, as he never wanted to talk about his parents, he wanted to keep all of his friends (most of whom also seemed to be destined for failure in life), and he certainly didn’t want anything to do with school, even though he was easily capable of earning all A’s on his report card.
Then, of course, it finally hit me. Ned’s problems centered around not only his continual UIS, but particularly his never-ending request to get more and more and stronger and stronger substances. Ned continued through cigarettes, cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs to the point that he needed serious intervention and medical attention for his highly developed addiction.
After Ned entered a treatment program, I began to get to know his dad. His dad was very difficult to get to know, as he always seemed distant and unwilling to discuss his family’s situation. At times, Ned’s dad became visibly angry with me as I asked questions that were intended to help his son.
After spending about six months speaking with Ned’s dad off-and-on in my office, in the backyard, and near his mailbox, he began to share his reasons for his anger. He had lectured and yelled at Ned since he was young about the dangers of UIS. Hardly a day went by in which his dad didn’t blast away about the perils of UIS. As such, his dad was hurt and angry that Ned had gone down the road of drug addiction to the point that he needed intervention to save his life. His dad felt like a failure.
So, even though his words to Ned were accurate and were delivered with great consistency, since his actions did not even remotely mirror his words, Ned fell into a world of severe drug addiction. To paraphrase the song “Cat in the Cradle”, Ned had an inner desire to be just like his dad, despite his words. Unfortunately, Ned had accomplished his goal. With Ned’s I.Q. and desire for success, I am convinced that, if his dad’s behavior had been aligned with his words throughout Ned’s early years, Ned would have not been enticed by the world of UIS.
Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother .... it's your children! Yes, parenting can be difficult (you actually have to watch your own behavior - OUCH!), but the rewards of successful parenting will bring a lifetime of rewards for you, your children, the children of your children, etc.
Hang in there and remember that your kids are watching you! Outwardly live the life that you want them to live!!
Paul W. Reeves