Dad/Son Learn Together - Pt. 2

(Continued from April 10, 2010) ..... So, how did I learn that your kids NEED to have you at their events? Well, believe it or not, I learned from a first-hand experience with my own dad, who once blew me off at one of my important events ..... but then made sure that he never repeated the act. Here are the details:

I had spent all of my childhood involved in a variety of activities, mostly baseball, bowling, basketball, and music. In addition, there were the usual scouting activities, school plays, meetings, etc., that kids always have in their lives.

My parents ALWAYS attended ALL of my events. While some kids had their parents dump them off and return to pick them up, my parents always drove me to the event, stayed for the whole event, and patiently waited for me to drive me home. Yes, I was lucky to be loved and supported by both of my parents.

Of course, there were some events that were missed, mostly by my dad, as he could not get off of work in time for 3:30 p.m. basketball games and, on the rare occasions that he had to be out of town, he would have to miss other events, too. One baseball season, he had to miss every single game, except for one, as he was stationed about 400 miles away for about 10 weeks, although he was able to come home for one weekend and, yes, he was able to see my game!

That was a tough season for me and, as I later learned, it was tough for him, too. But, my mom made sure that she was at every single event. Yes, again, I was lucky to be loved and supported by my parents!


I should also point out that my parents were often the ringleaders of many of my events. While I engaged in music, basketball, and bowling on my own with other instructors, my dad always managed my baseball teams and my mom was a scout leader! (More about benefits of leading your child’s activities in a future blog).

HOWEVER, the moment of the GREAT LEARNING ACT, occurred when I was 14-years-old, a moment that helped to form an important part of my parenting views that still hold true today – over 35 years later! This one act also helped me to form my views that I have passed along to others about the need to attend the events of their children.

My middle school band was planning to hold its annual spring concert on a Sunday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. I had a small solo and I was excited to be able to perform it for my parents. Of course, when playing percussion, wherein there is only one player per instrument, one could argue that everything was a solo for me, as I was the only player on an instrument at a given moment!

Well, the big day came and, as usual, my parents and I went to the car and drove to the concert. We walked in together, with my parents heading for the auditorium as I headed to the band room for the pre-concert warm-up. As always, I was exited to be able to perform for my parents, as I knew that they supported me and this was a manner in which I could give back. Ah yes, while I truly believed that life could not get any better, I had no idea that it was about to get substantially worse.

I proudly walked on stage with the band, got ready for the first piece of music to be performed, looked up at the audience to find my parents, and there was my mom, front and center in her usual place! I looked next to her for my dad and ..... he was not there. Oh well, I figured that he had probably run to the restroom or something.

(Please come back next Saturday for Part 3)


Paul W. Reeves

Dad/Son Learn Together - Pt.1

There are certain moments in your life when ideas, acts, words, etc., are cemented in your brain forever. When you look back on life, there are memorable moments that occurred which served to change your way of thinking about, and responding to, life.

On those occasions, I can remember exactly where I was, the approximate temperature of the moment, the people who were there, and, well, just about everything that helped to imprint the moment in my brain.

I have long been an advocate of ALWAYS attending ALL of your child’s events, whether it’s sports, dance, parent-teacher conferences, Boy Scouts, etc. Sometimes your kids will beg you to be there and other times they will beg you to stay away.

However, irrespective of the spoken words of your children, trust me, THEY WANT YOU TO BE THERE!! The parents who attend the events of their children are the families that most likely have the most well adjusted children, as the kids gain confidence and trust that is needed to succeed in life. Your attendance helps to provide the secure feeling that they need to have to know that they are loved.

Too often, I have seen kids show up at events on their own with no parents before, during, or after the events. The most notable issue in my life was when I managed one of my son’s baseball teams. Practice after practice and game after game, one of the boys rode his bike to the event and, as parents and kids were walking to cars after practices and games, there he was riding his bike home ..... all by himself. How sad!

It was one of saddest displays that I had ever seen. This young man had absolutely zero visible support from his parents. They did not even care enough to show up even once. Despite the efforts of many, this young man eventually grew up to turn to drugs and alcohol, flunked out of community college, and is currently wandering the country, ON HIS OWN, searching for love and answers to life. Perhaps, if his parents had shown an interest in their child by attending his events, he might have grown up to understand that he is loved and supported.

With only a few exceptions, the kids who are loved and supported by their parents are the kids who grow up to be successful in life. The kids who are blown off by their parents are the kids who are most likely to turn to other sources of support, including drugs, alcohol, nefarious friends, gangs, etc.

(Please come back next Saturday for Part 2)


Paul W. Reeves

"Wish I Were 2 Again"

A few weeks ago, I made the following comment to my 16-year-old and 22-year-old kids: “Hey, if you two are really good, I’ll let you help me clean the garage today”.

Well, as you might have guessed, the two whippersnappers gave me the “Yeah, right” look and laughed. I told them that the line would have worked years ago when they were young and impressionable ……. well, maybe not, as I then recalled this story from our younger family days on a summer day when my daughter was only 3-years-old:

During a family camping trip, my wife and I, along with her parents and adult brother, as well as our 3-year-old daughter and 6-month-old son were headed from the car to the beach. As was usually the case, traveling to the beach with the aforementioned group meant taking everything that we owned (at least it seemed like it!), seemingly including the kitchen sink!

As a result, with the plethora of chairs, coolers, beach toys, goods for the baby, umbrellas, bags of lotion, reading material, and, well you get the idea, we had to temporarily employ our 3-year-old daughter to help with the hauling of goods to the beach.

Of course, the five adults handled the heavy equipment and our baby, so the hauling that our 3-year-old needed to do was not much. In fact, as I recall, I only had her carry some goods to help to teach her that we needed to earn our rewards in life - in this case, the upcoming fun at the beach!

However, as we were walking up the hill on our 300-yard trek to the beach, she began to feel the burden of carrying a couple of items. While walking behind her, I noticed that she began to slow down and that she was struggling. I could also tell that she was close to stopping, crying, and begging for help. Again, her load was not heavy, it just would have been more fun for her to have her dad carry everything while she enjoyed the journey!

In the moments just before she was about to go down for the count, I loudly proclaimed to everybody in our group, “Wow, isn’t she something? She is quite the strong and responsible 3-year-old, carrying those items to the beach and helping the family. I am so proud of her. There is no way that she could have done this last year when she was 2-years-old!!”

I thought that I had engaged in terrific parenting, as I encouraged my daughter, pumped up her self-esteem, and kept her marching toward the goal with confidence. After I finished my words, my daughter stood up a little straighter, walked a little faster, and continued confidently on her journey. Ah yes, parenting at its best, or so I thought!

However, a few steps after I had said, “There is no way that she could have done this last year when she was 2-years-old”, my 3-year-old daughter did not miss a step when she uttered, “Gee, I sure wish that I were 2 again!”

And there you have it! I haven’t been able to use my psychological parenting skills on my kids at all. After all, when a 3-year-old trumps you, it’s time to get some new skills!

So, since that time, I have continued to re-enact that scenario around the house while changing the details, kind of like the garage story! The nice part, though, is that my kids do help, even though my psychological parenting ploys have miserably failed! ...... Or have they???

How about you? Any quick and witty retorts that your kids have uttered in their youth? If so, please pass them along!

It is stories like these that have made involved parenting such a grand reward!


Paul W. Reeves

Christmas is Here!!

Finally, Christmas is here!! It’s time to celebrate the birth of Jesus and, in keeping with the American tradition, give tons of presents to your kids!

Have you ever considered the gift that your child wants the most? A bike? No. A guitar or drum set? No. A computer or software? No. How about an iPod? No.

Although I have never met a child who has refused to accept the aforementioned gifts, the gift that your child truly wants is ................... YOU!! Yes, despite their daily rants about the restrictions that you place upon them, the multitude of “unfair” accusations that are lobbed your way, and the total disdain with which they look at you sometimes, the most important gift to any child is YOU and your TIME!

Similar to my own story with my own son, a few years ago, a 6th grade student (11 years old) named Robert told me about the harrowing experience that he had encountered with his dad during the previous weekend. His dad was hanging Christmas lights from their gutters on their 2-story home. It was somewhat windy and his dad even mentioned that he was a little concerned climbing up and down the ladder. At one point, he told his son to hold the bottom of the ladder just in case the wind decided to wreak some havoc.

Quite quickly, Robert became worried and he began to visualize the worst - how would his life change if his dad bought the farm while trying to beautify their home for the season? Within moments, Robert implored his dad to forget the lights for the season or try on another day. His dad told him that he would be too busy on all of the future weekends before Christmas. So, it was now or never. Robert voted for never.

Despite the bikes, guitars, drums sets, iPods, etc., that Robert’s mom and dad had provided in the past or might provide in the future, at that very moment he learned that his most important gift was his parents. He realized that, most important of all, he liked having his mom and dad home early from work; he liked their help with homework; he liked knowing that his dad would battle the “bad guys” if they broke in during the night; and he realized that his mom and dad took care of all of his needs because they loved him.

Without his parents and the time that they spent with him, Robert, on that windy Sunday afternoon, suddenly realized that he would have nobody to take care of him. Needless to say, according to Robert, his gift "needs" changed on that day.

When I asked Robert about that incident a few years later, he reiterated that the windy Sunday had changed him forever, from being a greedy kid who wanted tons of presents to a kid who smiled each night before he went to sleep, complete with the knowledge that he had parents who were in the same house and that they loved him!

So, yes, despite their constant blathering about their parents and their foibles and other deficiencies, kids are happiest and most secure when they have parents who love them, spend time with them, provide for their needs, have fun with them, and provide the emotional security blanket that they so richly need.

Merry Christmas and give your child the most needed and most precious Christmas gift of all ...... YOU!


Paul W. Reeves

Mother's Day - THANK YOU!

Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, the day on which the second most telephone calls are made and the second most gifts are given in the year (Christmas is #1 every year)! So, what are 25 of the top one million things that a mother can do for her son (the son who will someday be a dad)? Well, here they are:

1) Make him feel loved, nurtured, and taken care of every single day

2) Be there when he is sick or upset and tend to his wounds

3) Make his favorite breakfast every day (with the understanding that his “favorite” will change on a routine basis)

4) Sacrifice her own needs and desires to make sure that her son’s needs and desires are met (without ever telling her son that she made sacrifices)

5) Having a complete homemade dinner ready every single night – other than the occasional pizza night

6) Ensuring that his clothes are clean for school every day

7) Completely washing, drying, and ironing his entire baseball uniform between games of a double header – in plenty of time to get him back to the field for the 2nd game

8) Shooting him a couple of extra bucks when he goes out on a date in high school even though the son never asked – she just knows

9) Somehow finding the funds – when funds are really tight – to purchase the professional drum set of his dreams – a drum set that he could then use to put himself through college, pay for gas and miscellaneous expenses, and even tuck away some cash for the future

10) Getting his drum set to the football field and unloading it by herself while her son practices with the high school band

11) Somehow finding the funds to send him to a jazz camp in Indiana, providing transportation to get him there, returning mid-week to deliver his own drums because he thought that he needed them, and then returning at week’s end to watch his concert, load the drums, and get him home

12) Making sure that he had a nice new suit for his first music gig

13) Never missing one of his endeavors, baseball, basketball, bowling, concerts, etc. - always there in the front row

14) Creating – from scratch – the perfect Santa Claus suit for his 2nd grade play

15) Being there to celebrate every single victory, both no-hitters, every hit and homerun, every basket, every strike, and every musical note and still be willing to listen to him re-tell the stories of his endeavors on their way home and at home

16) When her son grows up – watching her grandchildren while her son and wife go away for the weekend – many times

17) Allowing him to get a dog when she really didn’t want one – and then also falling in love with the dog – and nurturing the dog in his final days after her son marries and moves away

18) Always telling her son that she has high aspirations for him in life and reassuring him that he will succeed as long as he works hard

19) Making him a full breakfast at 3:00 a.m. when her son gets home from a gig and is starving

20) Cooking complete dinners and delivering them to his home after he gets married, so that he and his wife will not have to cook late at night after returning home from work and night college classes

21) Always sensing when her son is under stress or duress and encouraging him to slow down and take a deep breath

22) Being supportive with her grandchildren – her son’s children – even when she might wish to give them a kick in the pants

23) Befriending her son’s wife through the years even though they did not always see eye-to-eye at the beginning stages of their relationship

24) Falling in love with her son’s new dog and becoming inseparable with the dog when they are together

25) When facing testing for her upcoming cancer surgery – telling her son to go to work and not worry .. she’ll take a cab to the hospital

O.K., with all of that unselfish motherly love bestowed upon a son, you might think that the young man might become spoiled!! Well, ..... I don’t know ..... do you think that I’m spoiled????

That’s right! Those 25 items describe my own mom, but they only scratch the surface!

To the best mother in the world – THANK YOU, MOM! If my kids someday consider me to be as great a parent as you – my life's mission will be completed. Thank you for the lessons on being a great parent!


Paul W. Reeves