Dad and Child - Together!

Long before my children were born, I decided that I wanted their biggest influence to be ... ME – not their friends, the drug users, the drinkers, the kids who never tried to succeed in school, etc., but their greatest everyday influence was to be their favorite DAD!!

So, as a part of my journey toward becoming their biggest influence, I decided that, whenever I ventured out of the house to run an errand, I would ALWAYS take at least one child with me. In this manner, irrespective of what might be happening in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the home, I could always escape with at least one child for a focused conversation, lesson on life, or just listening to the tales of their trials and tribulations.

One day I needed to travel to the local hardware store, about a 2 minute drive from our house. As I gathered up my oldest son (about 8-years-old at the time) to make the trip with me, I was looking forward to the isolated time together, the conversations that would ensue, and the possible lessons that my son would learn from me, including shopping for the necessary part and interacting with store employees.

However, as we were about to leave the driveway, I noticed that he looked a little concerned about something. When I asked him if all was O.K., he told me that he was fine. But, the look on his face told me otherwise.

I made a quick decision to bypass the local hardware store for the 2-minute drive and continued to the chain hardware store about 15 minutes away, thereby allowing me a total of 30 minutes of focused drive time to delve into my son’s obvious annoyance with some issue.

During the trip to the store, we talked about a variety of topics, including his upcoming baseball season, the Detroit Tigers, school, etc. He was quite chatty, but it still appeared as though something was bothering him. We arrived at the store, did our shopping for the needed part, and then got in the car for the ride home.

As we closed in on the 10-minute mark of the 15-minute drive home, my son suddenly asked me, “Dad, would you ever get drunk?” Well, somehow I managed to keep the car on the road as I told him that I would never allow myself to become inebriated. Of course, I then did the obvious. As this question came completely out of the dark with no lead-in or even an iota of purpose to me, I asked him why he would ask me such a question.

He then told me of his friend Mike (not his real name) in his 3rd grade class. Mike had told my son that his dad regularly gets drunk, beats up the mother and kids, and then leaves the family for a few days at a time. They never know if he is coming back!! Mike also told my son that ALL DADS do this, so he should be careful about me. To say the least, my son was conflicted, as he had been living in a loving home, yet his friends told him that ALL DADS do this!

Ah ha!! So I had my answer as to my son’s obvious concern about something. I then turned our drive home of less than 5 minutes into a few more errands that took over an hour, just so we could be alone to discuss this important topic. I assured my son that I would never be drunk, that I would never beat up our family, and that I would never disappear for days at a time. My reassurances did wonders for him, as his mood became brighter and he even suggested that we stop for ice-cream (a favorite activity in our family!). I also told my son that I would try and get help for Mike and his family (more about this in a future post – all is now well with Mike and his family!!).

Now - and here’s the big point - if I had just traipsed off to the local hardware store alone (which, by the way, would have been much easier and faster), I might have never heard about Mike’s story and my son’s concern that it could happen in our home. But, by consciously seizing every single possible moment to spend time with my kids, the situation allowed for the comfort zone in which my son could tell me of his concerns.

If I had not had those moments alone with my kids, it is possible that a stronger influence in his life (a friend, perhaps?) might have confirmed the story and confirmed that my son had better watch out for his dad!!

But, by being the strongest influence in my son's life, he knew where to go to find the truth ..... HIS DAD!!

How about you? Please pass along your suggestions as to how you have become, or plan to become, the strongest influence in your child’s life. After all, if you’re not the strongest influence in his/her life, somebody else will be!!

Hang in there and spend quality and quantity time with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

"I Dunno - I Fuhgot"

Our oldest two children had progressed rather nicely in the development of verbal, reasoning, and communication skills. Since our house was always in some state of communication, it seemed natural for them to develop those skills at an early age.

However, during the ages of 2 and 3 years old, our 3rd and youngest child seemed to not be developing the same skills at anywhere near the expected rate of our home or the expected rate of normal childhood development. Anytime that we asked him for an explanation on anything (such as, “Why are your toys in the middle of the floor?”, “Where is your blanket?, or “Why didn’t you tell us?”), we were always met with the following response, “I dunno, I fuhgot” (Translation: “I don’t know, I forgot”)

Well, to say the least, we were a little concerned about his seeming lack of development with his verbal and expressive skills. In our family, all of us spoke in clear and expository terms when discussing a multitude of issues. As such, he had plenty of exposure to the proper examples of communication. Yet, we continued to be hit with a barrage of “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!

We actually discussed the possibility of his sandbagging or scamming us on the issues, but, at the same time, we couldn’t believe that a 2/3-year-old could actually scam his parents on a regular basis. The look in his eyes seemed to indicate intelligence, but his lack of ability to verbally express his thoughts was of great concern.

So, was it really a case of “I dunno, I fuhgot” or were we dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER? We discussed this issue on a regular basis and we talked about the possibility of getting assistance with his oral language.

Near the end of his 3rd year of life, however, we received our answer to the “Dunno/Scammer” issue. I had a series of audio CD’s from various ministers, including Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, James Dobson, etc., all neatly arranged on shelves according to the presenter. One day, I noticed that the CD’s had become substantially discombobulated on the shelf, as the ministers’ CD’s were all mixed up! How could this happen? I asked my two older children and they indicated that they knew nothing of the mix up.

I then asked my youngest child, expecting the usual, “I dunno, I fuhgot” response. His actual response stopped me in my tracks – I then picked myself off of the floor, got a cold drink of water, retrieved a tape recorder, and asked him to answer the question again about the mix up of the CD’s.

His verbatim response is as follows: “Well, I noticed that Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, and Focus on the Family all had messages on the topic of “Love”, so I rearranged the CD’s to put all of the “Love” messages together. I then did the same for “Money” messages, “Jesus” messages, “Conflict messages”, “Healing” messages, “Delivering” messages, “Attitude” messages and so on and so forth. You see, dad, by arranging the CD’s in this manner, you can easily find all of the CD’s on “Love”, for example, instead of searching through each minister’s collection and then possibly even missing one. This way, they’re all together! This is my small way of helping the family. So, why don’t we listen to a Jesus message together right now? We have 7 to choose from. Which one is your favorite, dad?”

Well, alrighty then - the hours, weeks, months, even years of concern that our youngest child was not developing the necessary oral skills were all for naught, as we were dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER the whole time!!

I then told him that I was very proud of his rearranging of the CD’s and that I was proud of his explanation of the process. I told him that I had been expecting him to say, “I dunno, I fuhgot”. I laughed, but he looked a tad embarrassed, as he realized that the scam was over for the rest of his life!

I then told him that I had just received a new “Jesus” CD from Joyce Meyer. I asked him if he had filed the CD already. His answer: ………. You guessed it …… “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Parenthood – gotta love it!!

But, to this day, several years later, if somebody in our family does not truly know the answer to a question, we respond with, yes, you guessed it again, "I dunno, I fuhgot"!!!!!


Paul W. Reeves

Father's Day - Part 2

(Continued from June 19, 2010) ........

15) The dad, a long-time computer guy long before computers found their way in to homes, told the son to get a computer, because he would need it for everything in life within a few yeas. The son reused. The dad then showed up at the son’s work one day with a huge computer – paid for by the dad. The son used it for years before upgrading a few times – the dad was right!

16) The son, for many years questioning the wisdom of his father, later in life learned that the dad was far beyond his years in wisdom. Interestingly, the same scenario is unfolding with the son’s children many years later.

17) In the son’s neighborhood, ALL boys owned a BB gun. One day the son, an expert marksman in his own right (at least that's his story!), fired a shot at a garbage can – a normal occurrence. The dad was on the other side of the can and the shot scared the dad. The BB gun was instantly retired on that day!

18) In later life, after the dad was making a very good living, the dad told the son that there had been times during which the family had not been able to afford shoes for the two kids. Funny, the kids always had new shoes and everything else that they needed. The son never knew that funds were low when he was a little kid.

19) When the son bought a new front door for his own home, the dad asked the son how he would install it and he offered to help. The son declined the offer for help. On the next day, while the son was struggling with the directions, the dad showed up and installed the door. He just knew.

20) The son, watching his dad’s health get weaker with the job, watched his father’s face light up when he held the son’s baby daughter – moments that the son will never forget!

21) In the dad’s final summer, the dad and son bonded again while completing home projects together at the dad’s (and mom’s) house.

22) When funds were quite low (although the son did not know this), the dad took out a loan to purchase a brand new Buddy Rich drumset for his son – the exact drumset that the son had always wanted! 35 years later, the son still owns this drumset; it is still in perfect condition; and the son’s son uses it now, too. Oh, and the son used the drumset to put himself through college and make a few extra bucks for married life.


23) Played catch almost every single day after work during the son’s formative years - this gave the son needed confidence to excel at baseball.

24) Coached the son in bowling – the son later went on to win the highest average in the league award several times, mostly because the dad showed a great interest in his son’s weekly battle with the lanes.

25) The dad, knowing that he was going to die in the hospital, refused to tell the son that he was even ill, so that the son would not worry; so that the son would keep working and not take time off; and so that the son would not see his dad in a suddenly frail state. However, at the moment of death, the son, 25 miles away and not knowing that his dad was ill, knew that he had just lost a friend, a huge supporter, and his dad all at once.


O.K., with all of that unselfish fatherly love bestowed upon a son, you might think that the young man might become spoiled!! Well, ..... I don’t know ..... do you think that I’m spoiled????

That’s right! Those 25 items describe my own dad, but they only scratch the surface!

To the best father in the world – THANK YOU, DAD! I REALLY MISS YOU! If my kids someday consider me to be as great a parent as you – my life's mission will be completed. Thank you for the lessons on being a great parent!


Paul W. Reeves

Father's Day - Part 1

Well, tomorrow is Father’s Day, the day on which tons of neckties and books are liberally given to dads all over the land! So, what are 25 of the top one million things that a father can do for his son (the son who will someday be a dad)? Well, spread over the next two weeks, here they are:

1) Coached his son’s T-Ball team when the child was only 7-years-old and encouraged and coached him while the son went 33-34 at the plate, after following his dad’s advice to hit everything toward 3rd base, because nobody at that age could fire the ball to first base in time to get the kid out!

2) Managed his son’s baseball teams at age 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, and 14. Had to miss managing the 10-year-old season due to a work commitment in another state – a season that the father and son always regretted

3) Always expected more from his son in practice and games than he expected from the other boys. While the son felt somewhat pressured, he credits his dad’s driving him with his making the all-star team as the shortstop!

4) After the son continued to believe that the father was “too tough” on him in practice and in games, the dad agreed to step down as his son’s manager for the first time.

5) In one of his first games with somebody other than his father as the manager, the kid, now 15-years-old, pitched the 2nd no-hitter of his career. After the game, the son was barely able to get his father’s attention. The kid’s feelings were hurt. Later, after asking the dad for the reason behind the blow off, the kid learned that the dad had been near tears and would have broken down in front of everybody had the two spoken right after the game.


6) After refusing to get the kid another dog (the first two dogs had passed away within months of coming into the home), the father, after being away for 10 weeks and missing his son’s 10-year-old baseball season, allowed the son to get another dog – a magnificent collie who would become a buddy to the father and son.

7) After the magnificent collie passed away years later and after the son moved out and got married, the father got another collie.

8) After watching his son make two egregious mistakes in a basketball game in front of about a thousand people, the dad used the next morning to berate his child for his poor play and for embarrassing the family and the team. While the son thought that this treatment was harsh at the time, the son later realized that the ‘chewing out” had awakened him toward a quest for excellence in all that he did.

9) The dad wore a suit to work every single day – a trend that the son had decided to follow for his own career.

10) Although he had resisted purchasing a swimming pool for his children, the father eventually gave in; bought a pool; and the whole family used it as a gathering place for family fun for years.


11) Refused to let his son swim on game days until after the game, because the pros did not swim on game days.

12) Early on told the son that he would be going to college and he would earn at least one degree. There would be no discussing the matter. Nobody was more proud than the dad when the son walked across the stage to receive his B.A.

13) Demanded that the son perform regular tasks around the house, i.e., taking put the garbage, shoveling snow, etc. However, when the son started taking care of the lawn on days of 95 degrees, the dad told the son to slow down and not work so hard - apparently the dad believed that his years-long message had gotten through too well!

14) Even though the two had a breakdown in communication during the son’s final year of college, mostly due to the father’s stress at work, the dad later became a nightly visitor at the apartment of his son and new bride.


(Please come back next Saturday for the conclusion of the Father's Day Top 25!)


Paul W. Reeves

No More Squirt Guns! Pt.1

Sometimes families experience near horrendous incidents that, because they were averted, end up in laughter – not only for the moment, but also for several years thereafter!

Over the next three weeks, I want to share a story about three young, seemingly well-adjusted whippersnappers … oh, let’s call them Kathy (11), Robert (8), and Bill (5). Any resemblance to any children who might have lived in my house; currently live in my house; share DNA with me; or have any physical resemblance to me whatsoever, will be considered to be purely coincidental, irrespective of the actual and irrefutable facts of the case!

At any rate, during the early childhood years of the aforementioned whippersnappers, Kathy and Bill got along extremely well. To each other, the other could do no wrong. In fact, after a while, we, uh, I mean, their parents began to say that Kathy was a female version of Bill and Bill was a male version of Kathy. Despite the 6-year age difference, they bonded like they had been best friends for 50 years!

HOWEVER, Robert was on a slightly different mission in life. Apparently, he believed that his job was to engage Kathy and Bill in verbal disputes as often as possible, sending Kathy and/or Bill to their parents to lodge complaints. While Kathy and Bill went together like "water and water", Robert seemed to intentionally and gleefully provide the “oil” ingredient to each of them!

If we, uh, again, if their parents had a dollar for each time that Robert had sent Kathy or Bill over the deep end, they would be filthy rich today, with land holdings in over 70 countries and Swiss bank accounts in, well, I suppose that would be in Switzerland!

But, alas, the oil and water mixture did not pay off for any type of financial gain for the parents, but it certainly kept the parents hopping and sometimes entertained.


At any rate, on one glorious sunny school morning in April, as the whippersnappers were getting ready for school, Kathy and Bill decided to share a mirror to fix their hair. I, uh, I mean their dad, is not quite sure of the nature of the sequence of events that unfolded in front of the mirror, although it sounded (or so I am told!) like an “in my space” issue had developed between the two of them.

(Please come back next Saturday for Part 2)


Paul W. Reeves

Bee Stings are Funny? Pt.2

(Continued from May 15, 2010) ...... At some point, I circled back to the van, having escaped most of the bees. I had to time my entry back in to the van with the momentary absence of the bees, so that bees would not get in the van and sting my kids. With the noise of the radio and air conditioning, I assumed that my kids knew nothing about what their dad, the security rock of the family, had just endured, including several bee stings and being chased around the storage yard by the swarms of bees!

As soon as I hurriedly opened the van door to get back in, I reached for my Slurpee to numb the pain from the bee stings … ahhh, that felt good!

I then noticed that my kids were … LAUGHING!! Not the kind of mild chuckle or tee-he in which kids often engage. Oh no, all three of my kids were laughing so hard, that they could barely contain themselves. Their Slurpees were at risk of spilling, their guts were near the bursting level, and I was a little hurt that they were laughing at my predicament.

After they finally stopped laughing (it seemed like hours!), I asked them why they were laughing at the fact that their dad had been majorly stung by bees. Well, they said, they didn’t even know that I had been stung. Rather, their gut-busting laughing ensued because I was radically running around the storage yard and waving my arms at what they thought was thin air! They had assumed that I was just being funny to entertain them, an act which, admittedly, occurred on a regular basis every day at home!

Well, the pain began to subside, I managed to get the trailer hitched up, and off we went back home, whereupon they just couldn’t wait to tell mom of the hilarious hijinks of dad zigzagging all over the storage yard, while wildly flailing his arms at the thin air, then diving in to the van and grabbing his Slurpee to put on his arm.

Of course, they felt bad and they had compassion that I had actually been stung. But, many years later, whenever they retell the story, somehow the actual bee stings get minimized and dad’s seemingly zany antics get magnified and, well, the LAUGHING begins all over again!

So, how about you? Any funny or zany stories that have produced lifelong laughter that you would like to privately share with me? If so, please send them along!


Paul W. Reeves

Bee Stings are Funny? Pt.1

As my own kids were growing up, they looked to me for strength, stability, and confidence (they still do!). As is the case with all families, the more confidence that a parent exudes in everyday life, the more secure the children feel as they go to sleep at night.

As a result of that knowledge, I always tried to be the pinnacle of security and the rock of the family, so that they would feel secure.

Well, their secure feeling and the rock of the family scenario temporarily went belly-up all in one moment, but it wasn’t without a few laughs.

On the night before we were to head to a campground for a couple of weeks, my three kids (at the time their ages were 3, 6, and 9), traveled to the storage yard to retrieve our camper. As was too often the case during our travels, on the way to the yard, we stopped and availed ourselves of Slurpees from 7-11 (little did I know that this would come in handy later!).


After we got to the yard, I backed up the van to the trailer and hopped out of the van to hook up the trailer to the hitch, a routine in which I engaged numerous times. As it was starting to get dark, as my kids were enjoying their Slurpees, and as I did not want them near the hitch in case something fell, I told them to stay in the air-conditioned van while I took care of business, normally a 2-3 minute procedure.

I went through all of the necessary steps toward securing the trailer, but the trailer would not fit over the hitch on the van. I tried to force it down and I gently tried to engage the hitch, but nothing worked. It finally hit me that something must have been up inside of the ball on the hitch, thereby preventing a secure fit.

So, again, with it getting dark, I took my bare hand and reached up inside of the ball of the hitch, unable to see what awaited me. I stuck my bare hand up and in and ..... OUCH!!!!!! …… massive pain engulfed my hand and several hundred bees began to chase me around the storage yard (at least I discovered the hitch problem.)!!

While my kids were relaxing in the cool comfort of the van with their Slurpees, I began to run around the storage yard, batting away bees, dodging bees, and trying to prevent further stinging action, while hoping that they did not notice that their dad was somewhat injured and under attack!

(Please come back next Saturday for the Final part!)


Paul W. Reeves

Dad/Son Learn Together - Pt. 4

(Continued from April 10, 17, and 24, 2010) ..... Well, from that moment on, even though he had never missed one of my events in the past, after missing only one concert, my dad NEVER missed another event! His renewed level of dedication and commitment kept going throughout the rest of middle school, all of high school, and even all of my college performances.

Because of the nature of college, it is not unusual for many students to not have parents in the crowd. But, without fail, my mom AND dad attended every single performance, to the point that it was noticed by other students. Although it was a tad embarrassing at times, I would not have traded it for anything!

Oh, and after I became a Band Director, guess who never missed one of my concerts? That’s right, for every one of my performances through my dad’s passing away when I was 30-years-old, my mom AND dad could be found in the audience, sometimes traveling as far as 100 miles to watch their son’s performances.

I was lucky ….. clearly, dad my understood my level of devastation at him missing my concert when I was 14-years-old and he set out on a mission to ensure that it never happened again!

I have always believed that the crucial moment at my band concert when I was 14-years-old, on a May Sunday afternoon, temperature around 78 degrees, a perfectly manicured baseball field calling for players to come and play, and my dad talking to another dad instead of watching my concert, helped to shape my views on parenting, my dedication to attending all of my kids’ performances, and my feeling of need to encourage other parents to ALWAYS attend their own kids’ performances

Yes, the knowledge that I would be attending all of my own kids’ performances began on that Sunday long ago, a day on which my own dad and I learned a very valuable parenting lesson together, one that neither one of us ever failed to remember for future endeavors!

Oh, and guess who traveled about 150 miles (round trip) the other night to watch his own child in a drama performance at his own high school? Yes, there was my child’s dad, front and center, not missing it for the world ..... or for talking to another dad about baseball!

I have said it often and I will say it again: Be sure to ALWAYS attend your child’s performances and events. It means the world to them and, by you attending and showing your love for them, they will be less inclined to search for love and security in all of the wrong places.

Keep loving your kids and be there for them at all times. You, and your kids, will be glad that you did!


Paul W. Reeves

Dad/Son Learn Together - Pt. 3

(Continued from April 10 and 17, 2010) ..... However, as the downbeat for the first piece came closer to being a reality, my dad was still not in the auditorium. I knew that he was somewhere in the school, as he had driven me to the event. But, I could not find him in the audience.

We played the first piece and no dad. We played the second piece and no dad. We played the third piece, my solo, and still no dad. The fourth and fifth pieces came and went and still no dad.

You have never seen a 14-year-old so crushed as I was at that moment. I did not care at all about the performance that had been given; I didn’t care about the solo that I had flawlessly executed; I didn’t even care that my mom was front and center for the whole performance (although I was certainly grateful!) …… I could only think about the fact that my dad had disappeared and had missed the entire concert, a feeling that I had never experienced, but later in life learned that kids feel this way every single day.

As soon as I was able to do so, I went to my mom and asked for the whereabouts of my dad. She looked disappointed, but said that she did not know. How could this be? They came to the concert together; they headed to the auditorium together; and yet she did not know where he was???

She told me to check outside near the baseball field, the same field on which he had managed my games and the same field on which the season would soon be starting.

While other bands were playing, I went outside to the baseball field and, much to my surprise, there was my dad talking to another dad. Again, how could this be? How could my dad have missed my whole concert just to talk to another dad by the baseball field???

I went up to my dad and the other dad. My dad asked, “So, is the concert over?” I told him that, yes, it had ended. I then asked him why he missed it. He told me that he and the other dad were discussing the upcoming baseball season. Being raised to be a polite young man, I excused myself and went back in to the school to hear the other bands.

Again, the feeling of helplessness and non-support from a parent was devastating, especially with the answer that he had given to me ..... he was talking to anther dad about baseball instead of watching my concert? It was an awful feeling, one that I hoped that I would never have to again experience.

Later that night, I asked my mom as to how my dad could have done that? She said that she did not know. But she suggested that I should tell my dad about my feelings and to tell him that I was sad that he missed the concert. (In later life, I learned that my parents had already discussed the issue, with my mom expressing her disdain and shock and my dad expressing that he did not believe that I was upset).

So, I approached my dad and again asked him why he missed my concert. He responded by saying that he had already told me that he had been discussing baseball with the other dad. I said something about wishing that he could have at least seen my solo. He then said, and I remember the exact words today, “Look, is it really important that I sit in the audience for your concerts? Because, if it is, I’ll never miss another one.”

I told him that, yes, it was important for me to have him in the audience. He reaffirmed that he would never miss another one. And, he stuck to his word – in a BIG WAY!

(NOTE: In total honesty, I truly believe that my dad did not understand the level of devastation that I would feel if he missed the concert, a misunderstanding that I later found many parents have. Trust me, from the writing of a former 14-year-old, and from the mouths of a host of adolescents, the feeling of devastation when your parents do not attend an event is quite powerful!!)

(Please come back next Saturday for the 4th and final part)


Paul W. Reeves

Dad/Son Learn Together - Pt.1

There are certain moments in your life when ideas, acts, words, etc., are cemented in your brain forever. When you look back on life, there are memorable moments that occurred which served to change your way of thinking about, and responding to, life.

On those occasions, I can remember exactly where I was, the approximate temperature of the moment, the people who were there, and, well, just about everything that helped to imprint the moment in my brain.

I have long been an advocate of ALWAYS attending ALL of your child’s events, whether it’s sports, dance, parent-teacher conferences, Boy Scouts, etc. Sometimes your kids will beg you to be there and other times they will beg you to stay away.

However, irrespective of the spoken words of your children, trust me, THEY WANT YOU TO BE THERE!! The parents who attend the events of their children are the families that most likely have the most well adjusted children, as the kids gain confidence and trust that is needed to succeed in life. Your attendance helps to provide the secure feeling that they need to have to know that they are loved.

Too often, I have seen kids show up at events on their own with no parents before, during, or after the events. The most notable issue in my life was when I managed one of my son’s baseball teams. Practice after practice and game after game, one of the boys rode his bike to the event and, as parents and kids were walking to cars after practices and games, there he was riding his bike home ..... all by himself. How sad!

It was one of saddest displays that I had ever seen. This young man had absolutely zero visible support from his parents. They did not even care enough to show up even once. Despite the efforts of many, this young man eventually grew up to turn to drugs and alcohol, flunked out of community college, and is currently wandering the country, ON HIS OWN, searching for love and answers to life. Perhaps, if his parents had shown an interest in their child by attending his events, he might have grown up to understand that he is loved and supported.

With only a few exceptions, the kids who are loved and supported by their parents are the kids who grow up to be successful in life. The kids who are blown off by their parents are the kids who are most likely to turn to other sources of support, including drugs, alcohol, nefarious friends, gangs, etc.

(Please come back next Saturday for Part 2)


Paul W. Reeves

Hey, That's Mine! - Part 1

During my years as an Assistant Principal, in addition to running the day-to-day operation of the school, it was my job to encourage students to always be on their best behavior. Of course, being adolescents in this world, there were often issues that were brought to my office.

I suppose that I dealt with everything, including a broken pencil, missing homework, insubordination, fighting. theft, truancy, and sadly, the more nefarious acts of drug abuse and drug selling.

I had been working closely with a student named Bill. Bill always seemed depressed, withdrawn, always loitering with the wrong crowd, and seemingly always about to do something that he should not do.

As you might have guessed, Bill was always in trouble and he became a frequent visitor to my office. After I got to know him a little better, Bill shared with me that his mother had left the family several years ago and that his dad was mean. In short, he believed that nobody cared for him.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to keep Bill on the straight and narrow path, he would sometimes engage in behavior that would get him sent home. Every time that I called his dad, I was met with a verbal barrage of profanity and complaints about Bill. It was obvious to me that Bill’s dad was just as angry and depressed as Bill.

Over time, and after way too many phone calls home, I believed that I was making some headway with Bill’s dad. He began to soften a little bit and he began to share some of his struggles with me. He loved Bill, but he was still angry with his wife for leaving and he was always concerned about money.

Based upon his consistent behavior, I sensed that Bill’s dad had long ago turned to drugs or alcohol for solace. I believed that he had become more withdrawn from life and from Bill, thereby providing some of the roots for Bill’s feelings.

Despite many hours that I had spent with Bill and his father, one day I learned that Bill was in possession of marijuana. The soft part of me wanted to look the other way, thereby sparing Bill from a suspension and possible verbal abuse from his dad and I wanted to spare his dad from further bad news.

However, the responsible part of me took over and I launched an investigation. Sure enough, Bill had the goods and I had to haul him to the office. When I asked Bill why he would ever be in possession of marijuana, he told me that he was mad at his dad for ignoring him and this was his way of getting attention from his dad. He also shared his concern over the impending verbal abuse and possible physical abuse.

Primed to call the Police and Protective Services, I assured Bill that I would speak to his father and that everything would be O.K. I told Bill that if his dad made any threats, I would call the proper authorities.


(Please come back next Saturday for the conclusion).


Paul W. Reeves

Dad? The Marquis? (Pt.1)

Ah, there is something special about a Mercury Grand Marquis for me! I don’t know if it’s the feel, the easy access to controls, the comfortable ride, or the fact that my grandfather had a similar car when I was a little tyke. However, without question, the Mercury Grand Marquis is my favorite car to drive!

Even though I’ve had the pleasure to drive other terrific cars, such as a Ford Mustang (2), Honda Civic, Ford Aerostar, Ford Windstar, Chevy Venture, Ford Grand Torino, Mercury Villager, and a Chevy Impala, it always comes back to the Mercury Grand Marquis for me!

As for my kids’ impression of a Mercury Grand Marquis? The called it a GRANDPA CAR!! How could they denigrate my favorite car?

Back when our kids were 8, 11, and 14, I came home with the first Grand Marquis. My kids were appalled. They could not believe that their dad had suddenly become a driver of a GRANDPA CAR! As this issue had never been discussed in our home, I was surprised at their reaction. I just knew that a ride in dad’s new Marquis would convince them for life.

So, we piled in, I pointed out all of the advantages, including the extra room, the back seat emptying into the trunk, the cup holders, the great sound system, the comfort, etc. However, it was to no avail, as my kids were not convinced. In fact, they were even more convinced that their dad had instantly become an old guy!


While our daughter, age 14, eventually accepted the fact that dad really liked the car, our sons, ages 8 and 11, actually verbally requested that I bring another car when I needed to pick them up from an event. They actually feared that their friends would make fun of me (and them!) for driving a GRANDPA CAR!

Well, to say the least, I thoroughly enjoyed driving that car for all of the aforementioned reasons. Eventually, however, the miles began to rack up and I decided to sell it for a new Impala. As I was driving away with the Marquis for the final time, my kids must have sensed something, or perhaps they were feeling some guilt, but they offered to take some pictures with me in the car. They also took turns getting in the car for the final time to have some pictures taken of them!

For the next few years I drove that Impala every single day to work, church, errands, etc. It also became the main car by which I escorted my kids to and from events. They seemed to love that car and they agreed that the car more closely fit my personality and image (oh my children, how could you not understand the connection between Marquis and Me?!?!?).

(Come back next Saturday for the conclusion and learn how dad's opinions won out over the opinions of friends!).


Paul W. Reeves

No Cherries For You!

It is great when kids are raised in a loving home! They have a mom and dad who love them; their needs are taken care of; they have no concerns about the genesis of their next meal; they know that mom and dad will take care of them; and they know that mom and dad will let them do things that other kids could not do in their home.

However, the age of innocence always comes to an end, as the realization sets in that not everybody loves them the way that mom and dad do! Yes, sooner or later, all children find themselves in a situation that, if mom and dad were present, all would be taken care of for them. However, without mom and sad, they get the felling that their world is ending, which of course, can serve to elevate their views of mom and dad!!

At any rate, when our kids were 3, 6, and 9, they were playing in the backyard together. My wife and I were in the kitchen watching them through a window, admiring their ability to get along like three loving siblings. At some point we left the kitchen for a few minutes, but returned a little later.

Behind our home was a large field of manicured grass that belonged to an upper-level condo association. The only thing that separated our property from theirs was a group of cherry trees. Between the trees and condos was about 200 yards of grass. Nobody from the condo association ever came near the cherry trees. It was a gorgeous view with seemingly complete privacy.

As a neighborhood bonus, our next door neighbor often gave our kids some cherries and sometimes he even took them back there to pick some cherries for themselves.

The moment that I returned to the kitchen and looked through the window, I saw all three of our kids walking quickly along the line of cherry trees, single file toward our house, and none looking very happy. They immediately came in the house with obvious looks of insecurity and concern. What could have possibly happened?

Our oldest child explained that they had decided to pick some cherries, just like they had on many occasions with our neighbor. Apparently, some “scary older lady” came out of her condo from 200 yards away and yelled at our children to get away from the cherry trees. All alone without the security of their parents, our kids quickly scrammed back to the safe zone of home!

Yes, our kids, facing adversity without their parents to protect them, quickly retreated to our home to find us! They could not believe that they had been summarily dismissed from the cherry trees; they could not believe that an adult had been so rude and “scary” to them; and they could not believe that they had faced different treatment than our neighbor had received.

It served as a great lesson on all levels, as it reminded them that the trees were not theirs for the picking, even if our neighbor DID pick cherries from the trees; it reminded them to NEVER wander away from mom and dad without letting us know of their anticipated destination; and it served to remind them that not everybody is going to love them like mom and dad!

We quickly made some hot dogs, added some French Fries and Coke, and celebrated the fact that our kids were safe; they were with people who loved them; and we discussed that we could go to the store later to get some cherries!

How about you? Have your kids ever learned life lessons the hard, but memorable, way? If so, let me know!


Paul W. Reeves

Music + Son + Dad=Victory(1)

There are many times in your life as a parent when your kids will absolutely make you as proud as one can be. Moments that send chills up and down your spine and moisture to your eyes, as you experience the joy of watching your offspring have success.

My son recently decided to perform a marimba solo for the annual Solo and Ensemble Festival. While I was proud of his desire to perform for a rating in front of a musical judge, I was drawing a blank when it came to choosing music.

We looked through scores (no pun intended!) of books, read through many pieces that I had played in the past, and browsed through the inventories of a few stores. Irrespective of the time that we had logged in the quest to select a perfect piece for his performance, nothing jumped out at us.

Then ..... it hit me! I thought about taking a piece that I had written while he was in his mother’s tummy back in 1993, re-writing it for marimba, and condensing the orchestral parts into a piano part with which I would accompany his solo. I tested the idea on my son and …. HE LOVED IT!

So, after firing up “Finale”, my computer based music-writing program, I re-wrote the solo music for marimba and transcribed all accompaniment parts into one piano part. I even created and inserted an unaccompanied cadenza into the piece, so that he would be more prominently featured during the performance. I then made a recording of the piece and piano part, so that my son could engage in serious and meaningful practicing even while I was not at home.

At first, the piece seemed a bit daunting, as it featured changing time signatures (including 7/8, 4/4, and 3/4), changing tempos from very slow and dramatic to lightening fast with many 16th notes, and substantial and sudden shifts in dynamics.However, my son attacked the piece with all of the gusto and fortitude of a proven pro!

(So, how did he do? Well, tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!!)


Paul W. Reeves

Christmas is Here!!

Finally, Christmas is here!! It’s time to celebrate the birth of Jesus and, in keeping with the American tradition, give tons of presents to your kids!

Have you ever considered the gift that your child wants the most? A bike? No. A guitar or drum set? No. A computer or software? No. How about an iPod? No.

Although I have never met a child who has refused to accept the aforementioned gifts, the gift that your child truly wants is ................... YOU!! Yes, despite their daily rants about the restrictions that you place upon them, the multitude of “unfair” accusations that are lobbed your way, and the total disdain with which they look at you sometimes, the most important gift to any child is YOU and your TIME!

Similar to my own story with my own son, a few years ago, a 6th grade student (11 years old) named Robert told me about the harrowing experience that he had encountered with his dad during the previous weekend. His dad was hanging Christmas lights from their gutters on their 2-story home. It was somewhat windy and his dad even mentioned that he was a little concerned climbing up and down the ladder. At one point, he told his son to hold the bottom of the ladder just in case the wind decided to wreak some havoc.

Quite quickly, Robert became worried and he began to visualize the worst - how would his life change if his dad bought the farm while trying to beautify their home for the season? Within moments, Robert implored his dad to forget the lights for the season or try on another day. His dad told him that he would be too busy on all of the future weekends before Christmas. So, it was now or never. Robert voted for never.

Despite the bikes, guitars, drums sets, iPods, etc., that Robert’s mom and dad had provided in the past or might provide in the future, at that very moment he learned that his most important gift was his parents. He realized that, most important of all, he liked having his mom and dad home early from work; he liked their help with homework; he liked knowing that his dad would battle the “bad guys” if they broke in during the night; and he realized that his mom and dad took care of all of his needs because they loved him.

Without his parents and the time that they spent with him, Robert, on that windy Sunday afternoon, suddenly realized that he would have nobody to take care of him. Needless to say, according to Robert, his gift "needs" changed on that day.

When I asked Robert about that incident a few years later, he reiterated that the windy Sunday had changed him forever, from being a greedy kid who wanted tons of presents to a kid who smiled each night before he went to sleep, complete with the knowledge that he had parents who were in the same house and that they loved him!

So, yes, despite their constant blathering about their parents and their foibles and other deficiencies, kids are happiest and most secure when they have parents who love them, spend time with them, provide for their needs, have fun with them, and provide the emotional security blanket that they so richly need.

Merry Christmas and give your child the most needed and most precious Christmas gift of all ...... YOU!


Paul W. Reeves

Games - A Happy Ending!

I am reminded of an 8th grade student, named Tony. One day before school in the gymnasium, a student reported to me that Tony had picked up a smaller child named Steve and body slammed him to the hard gym floor. As the Principal, I should have immediately high-tailed it to the gym. But, considering the source of the report (it was from a less-than-reputable student) and the difficult-to-believe nature of the story, I intensively questioned the student for a few more seconds.

When I decided that there might be some credence to his story, (although I still imagined that it was just a rumor), I quickly went to the gym, whereupon I saw Steve on the floor, holding his neck. After we attended to Steve (fortunately, he was not severely injured), I asked Tony what had happened.

To my disbelief, he indicated that he had picked up Steve and body-slammed him to the gym floor. He had been practicing that move for a few weeks after he had studied it on one of his video games. He also noticed that the victim on the game always got right back up and continued fighting. He wanted to see if it happened that way in real life, too! Well, Tony, in real life – people don’t get right back up and sometimes they don’t get back up at all after being body-slammed to the gym floor!

Tony was not a fool or a child with severe learning disabilities. He was an above-average student who, under ordinary circumstances, would have never tried that move in real life. However, due to video game addiction, Tony’s judgment became clouded enough that he actually began to believe that a child in real life might react in similar fashion to a video game person after becoming a victim of violence. Yes, Tony actually believed that Steve would just hop right up!

Unfortunately, Tony’s parents (separated pending an upcoming divorce) were nothing like Ben’s parents (I wrote about Ben and his parents in a previous post) who had quickly interceded on their son’s behalf. No, Tony’s parents scolded him for hurting another child and then they let him continue with his video game playing despite numerous pleas from me. To the surprise of nobody, Tony was later often suspended from high school and he became a dropout at age sixteen. Does this scenario sound familiar amongst your child's circle of friends? I hope not, but it occurs more often than you might think.

The happy ending is that we gathered a team of experts, Psychologist, Social Worker, and a Clinical Counselor, as well as some of Tony’s friends, his parents and I, and we performed an intervention. We confronted Tony about his violent behavior and his path to destruction and his journey to “loser-dom”. After nearly an hour of people telling Tony how much they cared about him, Tough-Guy Tony broke down and cried and admitted that he did not know how to deal with people, including his friends, without getting violent.

After about 6 months of intensive therapy, Tony and his Therapist concluded that his addiction to the violence on the video games had clouded his judgment and, yes, Tony had come to believe that there was no difference between the violence in video games and the violence in real life. Ouch!

Fast forwarding a few years, Tony went back to high school and graduated before venturing off to college to become a ..... yes, a Therapist! Today, he maintains a successful practice which is geared toward helping children with addictions, including the ever-growing actions to video games! Finally, a happy ending to a troubled youth!


Paul W. Reeves

Weekends and "Dadhood"

Ah, the weekend is finally here! Of course, before I had kids, my weekends consisted of the following:

FRIDAY
1) Staying up really late
2) Watching sports or mindless television shows or movies
3) Spending time with friends
4) Catching up at/with work
5) Reading
6) And just about anything else that I wanted to do!

SATURDAY
1) Sleeping in as late as I desired
2) Finish some household chores (if I so desired!)
3) Play basketball or racquetball
4) Relax with friends
5) Go to a movie or concert
6) And just about anything else that I wanted to do!

SUNDAY
1) Going to church
2) Taking a nap
3) Working around the house (if I so desired!)
4) Spending time with friends and family
5) Playing basketball, softball, and/or racquetball
6) And just about anything else that I wanted to do!


Now, with three kids in the fold, my weekends consist of the following:

FRIDAY
1) Getting home from work right away - fully armed with pizza for everybody!
2) Spending the evening with my kids, usually at home, working on homework, listening to and playing music, playing pool, exercising, etc.
3) Maybe watch a movie with everybody
4) Get to bed at a reasonable hour - certainly no later than 11:00 p.m.

SATURDAY
1) Get up early
2) Drive one child 25 miles one way to an Art lesson
3) Take him to lunch and get him home
4) Take another child to his guitar lesson about 10 miles way
5) Get home about 6:00 p.m. and spend some time with the 3rd child
6) Use the evening for family time - books, movie, maybe go out with my kids for a few hours, etc.
7) Get to bed at a reasonable hour - certainly no later than
11:00 p.m.

SUNDAY
1) Get up earlier than I used to for church
2) Get the boys' suits ready, shirts ironed, ties straightened
3) Ensure that my daughter is properly dressed and ready to go
4) Take the kids to church
5) Go out for a hearty meal and spend more time together
6) Get home and take a short nap
7) Prepare dinner
8) Spend time with each child on homework, listening to and playing music, pool, etc.
9) Get a few chores done (trash, cleaning, fixing a few things, etc.)
10) Get to bed at a reasonable hour - certainly no later than 11:00 p.m. - after all, work awaits in the morning and ...... I'm really tired!!!!!!!

O.K., for the uninitiated, the BC (Before Children) life might seem to be a whole lot more fun. But, for those experienced in "dadhood", once you get over the shock of not having as much time to yourself as you used to have, there is nothing better than a weekend that is not devoted to you, but to the blessings that you helped to bring into this world!!

Enjoy the weekends dads - after all, you'll have plenty of time for your former life when your kids move out - then you'll wish that your kids would return! In the meantime, spend as much time with your kids as you can, especially on your free days (weekends for me). Your kids need your time and love!

So, how about you? How are your weekends different with your "dadhood" days as opposed to your "BC" days? Write back and let me know!


Paul W. Reeves