Dad and Child - Together!

Long before my children were born, I decided that I wanted their biggest influence to be ... ME – not their friends, the drug users, the drinkers, the kids who never tried to succeed in school, etc., but their greatest everyday influence was to be their favorite DAD!!

So, as a part of my journey toward becoming their biggest influence, I decided that, whenever I ventured out of the house to run an errand, I would ALWAYS take at least one child with me. In this manner, irrespective of what might be happening in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the home, I could always escape with at least one child for a focused conversation, lesson on life, or just listening to the tales of their trials and tribulations.

One day I needed to travel to the local hardware store, about a 2 minute drive from our house. As I gathered up my oldest son (about 8-years-old at the time) to make the trip with me, I was looking forward to the isolated time together, the conversations that would ensue, and the possible lessons that my son would learn from me, including shopping for the necessary part and interacting with store employees.

However, as we were about to leave the driveway, I noticed that he looked a little concerned about something. When I asked him if all was O.K., he told me that he was fine. But, the look on his face told me otherwise.

I made a quick decision to bypass the local hardware store for the 2-minute drive and continued to the chain hardware store about 15 minutes away, thereby allowing me a total of 30 minutes of focused drive time to delve into my son’s obvious annoyance with some issue.

During the trip to the store, we talked about a variety of topics, including his upcoming baseball season, the Detroit Tigers, school, etc. He was quite chatty, but it still appeared as though something was bothering him. We arrived at the store, did our shopping for the needed part, and then got in the car for the ride home.

As we closed in on the 10-minute mark of the 15-minute drive home, my son suddenly asked me, “Dad, would you ever get drunk?” Well, somehow I managed to keep the car on the road as I told him that I would never allow myself to become inebriated. Of course, I then did the obvious. As this question came completely out of the dark with no lead-in or even an iota of purpose to me, I asked him why he would ask me such a question.

He then told me of his friend Mike (not his real name) in his 3rd grade class. Mike had told my son that his dad regularly gets drunk, beats up the mother and kids, and then leaves the family for a few days at a time. They never know if he is coming back!! Mike also told my son that ALL DADS do this, so he should be careful about me. To say the least, my son was conflicted, as he had been living in a loving home, yet his friends told him that ALL DADS do this!

Ah ha!! So I had my answer as to my son’s obvious concern about something. I then turned our drive home of less than 5 minutes into a few more errands that took over an hour, just so we could be alone to discuss this important topic. I assured my son that I would never be drunk, that I would never beat up our family, and that I would never disappear for days at a time. My reassurances did wonders for him, as his mood became brighter and he even suggested that we stop for ice-cream (a favorite activity in our family!). I also told my son that I would try and get help for Mike and his family (more about this in a future post – all is now well with Mike and his family!!).

Now - and here’s the big point - if I had just traipsed off to the local hardware store alone (which, by the way, would have been much easier and faster), I might have never heard about Mike’s story and my son’s concern that it could happen in our home. But, by consciously seizing every single possible moment to spend time with my kids, the situation allowed for the comfort zone in which my son could tell me of his concerns.

If I had not had those moments alone with my kids, it is possible that a stronger influence in his life (a friend, perhaps?) might have confirmed the story and confirmed that my son had better watch out for his dad!!

But, by being the strongest influence in my son's life, he knew where to go to find the truth ..... HIS DAD!!

How about you? Please pass along your suggestions as to how you have become, or plan to become, the strongest influence in your child’s life. After all, if you’re not the strongest influence in his/her life, somebody else will be!!

Hang in there and spend quality and quantity time with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

Teen Drug Abuse - Part 3

(Continued from January 16 and 23, 2010) - ...... Many adolescents are still abusing prescription drugs and cough syrup, the report found. In fact, of the 10 drugs most often abused by 12th graders, seven were prescription or over-the-counter medications, according the report.

"We see a lot of problems with prescription painkiller abuse, and prescription stimulant abuse," Compton said.

For example, almost one in 10 high school seniors said they used the narcotic painkiller Vicodin in the past year, and one in 20 said they used another narcotic painkiller, OxyContin.

In addition, more than 5 percent of 10th and 12th graders who did not have ADHD said that they had used the stimulant Adderall to get high in the past year.

Teens said they got prescription drugs from doctors (19 percent) and from dealers (8 percent), but most (66 percent) said they got the drugs from friends or relatives. Among this latter group, 12 percent said they "took" them, 21 percent bought them and 33 percent said someone gave them the drugs.

In speaking with scores of students and parents, it has become clear that the medicine cabinet, used only for medicinal purposes years ago, is now one of the first stops for kids who are interested in experimenting with gateway drugs. From cold medication with codeine, to stimulants to keep people awake, as well as over-the-counter sleeping aids, our medicine cabinets have become the 2010 version of the candy store for kids. Quite simply, as I once heard Pastor Dr. Adrian Rogers say about medications in the home, “Get rid of that stuff or lock it up securely – and check on it often”.

In addition to the over-the-counter drug availability, kids have been known to take their parents’ medication for experimental purposes. On some occasions, although I was convinced that kids were high on illegal drugs, they later admitted that they had been high on their parents’ medication. The medication, if taken responsibly by an adult, would have helped the particular adult’s medical issues. However, that same medication taken by kids can produce disastrous effects. In addition, as their systems will later crave stronger and stronger drugs, the parents’ medication serves as a gateway drug to stronger and more dangerous drugs.

Clearly, medication in the home, for personal and family use, needs to be securely locked up and kept away from kids. Remember, we are trying to keep our kids from becoming addicted to drugs, a prevalent issue in our society. Your extra work to keep the medication locked up will help to deter any thoughts about entering the world of drug use and abuse.

Also, it is important to check on the medication often. Once it is securely locked up, we need to remember to ensure that it stays locked up and that nobody has attempted to tamper with the lock!

The report also examined adolescents' attitudes about alcohol use and found that it had softened. For example, fewer 10th graders said they considered weekend binge drinking as a problem, and more high school seniors said that having a drink or two a day was OK.

Our parents would have knocked us into yesterday if we had taken a sip of alcohol, yet more of today’s high school seniors believe that a drink or two a day is O.K.! WHAT?!?!? Yes, alcohol is more prevalent on television, radio, and magazine ads, but how did we get to the point where high school seniors believe that drinking is O.K.? While we can address that in a future post, for now it is of utmost important to keep alcohol out of the house or at least locked up securely – while checking often!

Similar with medicines, kids WILL experiment with drinking if alcohol is available. One of the major differences that I have seen is that one can always count pills to determine if one is missing, but how can you determine if a sip of alcohol is missing from a large bottle? Quite simply, we can’t monitor alcohol in a cabinet in a home. It needs to be locked up or not brought in at all, or many kids will experiment with the alcohol, especially as we remember that more high school seniors believe that a drink or two a day is O.K.

Yes, I know – we have to work harder than our parents did to protect our kids. We have to hide medicine, we have to hide alcohol, we have to keep checking on our kids to make sure that they are following the rules and expectations, and, yes, it can be quite tiring.

But, as we have the ultimate responsibility to protect our kids, I suppose that it’s time to get busy!!

As I have become fond of saying, nobody has said that parenting is easy. But, with a whole lot of work, attention, and love, we can be successful and the rewards at the end of the line are well worth it!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (2)

(Continued from August 1, 2009) ........ As I continued to question Jennifer, I learned that her dad was frequently out of town on business and her mother, whom she loved very much, was often gone attending community functions. As a result, Jennifer was often alone in her house. Since she could not have friends over when her parents were gone and since she was not allowed to use the telephone during the same periods (after all, her dad might call in at any moment – fortunately, he did regularly check-in with the family!), she turned to other sources of pleasure.

Yes, she turned to the world of inhalants, particularly spray paint and hair spray. Again, her acting out in class was a call for attention, not only for direct and loving attention and interaction, but a call for help to deliver her from the inhalants.

We managed to get Jennifer away from the inhalants, her mother began to stay home more, and her dad got a new job that kept him home on most nights. Interestingly, Jennifer’s “hilarious” behavior became calmer. She was happier, but not as funny to the rest of the world. Yes, a less funny/non-inhalant Jennifer was better than her former self! And, oh yes, the teachers stopped worrying when their backs were turned to the blackboards!

I suppose that we lost a future stand-up comedian, but we gained an intelligent young lady who is now destined to be successful in her life!!

As I have often said, they are your kids. As such, please, please, PLEASE do not allow them to grow up alone without your direct and daily guidance and influence. Their "stimulants" should be YOU and not other sources, i.e., drugs, inhalants, alcohol, and other vices that will serve to bring about colossal damage.

Yes, life can be really busy and important, but nothing is more important than you children! Spend the necessary time with them and help to guide them into (and sometimes through) adulthood!

Hang in there and continue your great work with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (1)

Jennifer was one of the funniest middle school kids that I had ever met. She had a quick wit with kids and adults. In fact, her sense of humor was more in line with adults than with other kids. For a brief period, I truly believed that she was going to grow up to be a stand-up comedian. She seemed to have all of the tools!

However, she also seemed to engage in somewhat daring behaviors that concerned all of her teachers and me. For laughs, Jennifer was the student who would sneak out of a teacher’s room to get a drink of water and then sneak back in without getting caught. Jennifer was also the student who would shoot a rubber band at the chalkboard, narrowly missing the teacher each time. She was also the student who let a mouse loose in the middle of a math exam. Jennifer regularly engaged in several of these daring behaviors, all of which seemed to be on the edge of danger!

None of her teachers ever suspected that Jennifer was the culprit. After all, she was so darned funny with a quick wit and fun-loving personality, that she was never considered to be a suspect in any shenanigans …….. until one day when I walked into her English class just in time to see her throw a marble at a teacher’s file cabinet while the teacher’s back was turned. The noise, of course, stunned the teacher. The other kids in the class, as I would later discover, were used to this “hilarious” behavior from Jennifer.

Although I was on my way to a meeting, I called Jennifer to the hallway. I began by chastising her for throwing the marble at the teacher’s file cabinet. I then continued to admonish her, as I told her that I had expected more from her. I told her that I could not believe that one of the best students in the school had just thrown a marble in the classroom and that, as her Principal, I was horrified that she could commit such a grievous act. Well, within seconds, Jennifer began to cry. At first I thought that she was crying because she, a perfect student in most eyes, had committed an act that would probably get her suspended from school. However, after she and I went to my office, she began to unload the true reasons for her crying.

Jennifer then shared all of her less-than-perfect acts over the past several months, including regularly throwing items in class, sneaking out of classes, and letting mice loose in classes! Jennifer told me that she was extremely unhappy, but she did not know why. This girl, who was the funniest kid in the school, who would made adults laugh and then repeat her hilarious stories in the teachers' lounge, who seemed to have more friends than any 10 kids put together, was miserable inside. Her acts were her subconscious way of screaming for help!

Come back next week for the conclusion. Thank you!


Paul W. Reeves

Alcohol=Brain Shrinkage

For years, we have believed that consumption of large amounts of alcohol could lead to various forms of brain altering. But, now, based upon a report from www.amenclinics.com, we have learned the following:

According to CNN, any amount of alcohol can decrease brain size!! People who drink alcohol – even the moderate amounts that help prevent heart disease – have a smaller brain volume than those who do not.

While a certain amount of brain shrinkage is normal with age, greater amounts in some parts of the brain have been linked to dementia. According to Carol Ann Paul, who conducted the study at the Boston University School of Public Health, “Decline in brain volume – estimated a 2 percent per decade – is a natural part of aging”. She had hoped to find that alcohol might protect against such brain shrinkage. “However, we did not find the protective effect,” said Paul. “In fact, any level of alcohol consumption resulted in a decline in brain volume.”

In the study, Paul and colleagues looked at 1839 healthy people with an average age of about 61. The patients underwent an MRI of the brain and reported how much the tippled. Overall, the more alcohol consumed, the smaller the brain volume, with abstainers having a higher brain volume than former drinkers, light drinkers 1-7 drinks per week), moderate drinkers (8-14 drinks per week), and heavy drinkers 14 or more drinks per week).

In women, even moderate drinkers had a smaller brain volume than abstainers or former drinkers. It’s not clear why even modest amounts of alcohol may shrink the brain, although alcohol is “known to dehydrate tissues, and constant dehydration can have negative effects on any sensitive tissue”, said Paul.

Said Dr. Petros Levounis, “We always knew that alcohol at higher dosages results in shrinking of the brain and cognitive deficit. What is new with this article is that it shows brain shrinking at lower doses of alcohol.”

So, as always, adults can make adult decisions based upon your lifestyle, needs, and desires. But, if you ever need another reminder as to why alcohol must be kept away from your kids, re-read this article again!

Be careful around the home and keep the alcohol away from the kids’ reach! After all, we want our kids’ brains to be large and strong when selecting our nursing homes someday!


Paul W. Reeves

Hide The Alcohol!!

It has been reported that our kids develop all types of beliefs about alcohol and, of course, many are correct, while others are distorted. Some of these beliefs are brought about by information provided by friends, some are formed by witnessing family members drink, and others are brought about by the media. After all, while watching a football game, there are multiple “cool” guys and gals who drink their way through commercials, appearing to have tons of fun along the way!

Unfortunately, few kids are equipped with all of the necessary facts about alcohol and its effects. As such, kids are likely to make decisions on faulty information. Faulty beliefs serve to make adolescent drinking more likely, as they typically exaggerate the positives and minimize the negatives. It is very important for you to provide your middle school or high school son or daughter with thorough and accurate information about alcohol.

Of course, being children of the 60’s and 70’s, we would like to believe that we already have the necessary facts and experience to teach our kids about alcohol (after all, who didn’t gain a tremendous education through seeing their high school acquaintances, or even themselves, engage in drinking?), but even adults have been known to carry some misguided notions on this topic. We must learn the facts about what a depressant is and how alcohol is metabolized, along with its immediate and long term effects. Helping your kids know the facts, as opposed to the myths, will enable them to make informed decisions about alcohol.

Below are some of the common misnomers with accompanying facts that adolescents have regarding alcohol. These are worth learning and then sharing with your child!

* "Alcohol improves my mood, alters my mental state." Though it is true that small amounts of alcohol reduce "self-focused attention", and that this effect, in turn, can reduce stress in some people, heavy drinking typically leads to unpredictable and uncontrollable emotions. If someone is very angry and drinks to relax, it is possible that the person might become even angrier --and all of the other undesirable behaviors which typically follow.

* "Alcohol makes me perform better." Though you may feel like you are performing better, as alcohol relaxes, heavy drinking has a detrimental effect on judgment, coordination and reaction time. Any amount of alcohol in your blood leads to impairment in driving. Alcohol, due to the relaxing effects and the direct lessened effects on self-monitoring, can lead to false confidence which can have deadly consequences if unchecked.

* "Alcohol feels great!" The short-term effects of alcohol are often remembered at the expense of long-term effects. The short-term effects are usually pleasurable - the long-term effects negative. It is helpful for adolescents to learn how to bring these potential negative effects to mind when deciding whether to drink or not. They include hangovers, interference with restorative sleep, foolish and or dangerous behavior, legal trouble, potentially deadly outcomes if driving occurs, impulsive sexual behavior, long term health problems.

* "Alcohol helps me socialize better." By way of its effects on reducing self-focused attention, many feel less uncomfortable around people when drinking. Unfortunately, this effect is brief and decreases if more than a small amount of alcohol is consumed. The social effects which then emerge vary from person to person, but include: obnoxiousness, aggressiveness, withdrawal, and impulsiveness.

* "If I drink coffee or eat something it will sober me up." Once alcohol is in your bloodstream, there is nothing you can eat or drink to hasten metabolism. Certain other chemicals, like caffeine, can "open your eyes," but you are just as impaired.

As my own father often said, “Read em’ and weep”. But, after reading through all of the myths that some kids carry with regard to alcohol, be sure to talk to your kids and share these myths, then share the facts, …… then hide the alcohol!

It has been my experience that many adolescents will experiment with alcohol when it is available and when their parents are not home or are sleeping. Again, educate your child and then remove the temptation! Hang in there!


Paul W. Reeves

Sibling Rivalry

7th grader Brian arrived at school each day with a scowl on his face. Each day he attempted to push somebody (sometimes several people) and often he tried to start a physical fight with other students. As his Principal, it was my duty to counsel Brian and to suspend him from school on several occasions. I could never quite figure out the reasons for his constant anger. He arrived at school in an angry state, he stayed angry all day, and he went home in an angry state, often starting fights along the way.

His parents (yes, I get to know a lot of parents well!) were nice and caring people who were also concerned about their son’s constant anger, as this had not been a problem with their other two kids, one of whom had earned a perfect 4.00 grade point average all through high school, while the other one had become the star athlete on the football and basketball teams, while garnering several college scholarship offers!

That’s when I realized that Brian’s aggressive and anti-social behaviors were symptoms of a more serious problem. As his two other siblings had been highly successful, Brian did not believe that he could possibly reach the levels of their success. Rather than attempt to be successful (he feared failing and thereby letting his parents down), Brian chose to block out his issues by sniffing inhalants, including gasoline, glue, and air freshener, all of which were readily available in Brian’s house during the 2 hours that he was alone each day after school!

Fortunately, we caught Brian’s problem in time and, through counseling, he was able to wean himself from the deadly inhalants. With his parents’ guidance, he became successful in school, graduated with honors, and now has a successful career in the medical field. Brian was lucky. His parents cared and, although they just assumed that he would be as successful as his siblings, they took the appropriate actions when they realized that they had dropped the ball.

Do your children compare themselves to your other offspring? Yes, they do! Are those comparisons favorable? The answer is most likely yes and no. The keys are as follows:

1) Each child excels in at least one area that is unique to him/her
2) Have each child explore the areas that are of interest to him/her
3) Although your children might have the same interests, do your best to eliminate competition between the two of them. As I have always told my own kids, the competition is the rest of the world, your guys are family and you should always help each other!

As for my own kids, one loves dance, one is heavily into guitar and art, and the other one loves drumming and sports. Interestingly, although my two boys have a great disdain for dancing, the older one has helped the younger one learn the guitar, while the younger one has helped the older one learn to play the drums!

As a result, my daughter has been allowed to excel in dance with zero family competition and both boys have chosen areas in which they also excel all by themselves.

And, even if they have the same interests, the goal should be for the siblings to help each other out and not view the other as competition!

Oh, and of course, don't leave your kids alone for two hours every day after school to explore the land of the nefarious adventures!!

Hang in there and keep up the great work (and joy!!) of raising your children!


Paul W. Reeves

Troubled Teen (2)

(Continued from January 31, 2009) .......

* Has brought a weapon to school ---
If your child has been caught with a weapon in school - WATCH OUT! He/she has already developed violent thoughts and has considered a means for carrying out the violence. If you have weapons in your home (a recent survey indicated that 43% of Americans home have a gun in the home), be sure to keep them locked up!!

Apart from the locked up weapons in your home, the fact that your child has a weapon is a serious concern. Many murderers started their careers in crime by carrying a gun (they probably started off with rubber bands, sharp pencils, etc., then escalated to actual weapons). Nothing good can come from a child carrying a weapon. Get the weapon away from him/her and be prepared for years of professional assistance.


* Has serious disciplinary problems at school or in the community ---
Children do not engage in serious disciplinary problems without cause, whether it is provocation, substance abuse, emotional difficulty, trouble adjusting to adolescence, etc. However, serious disciplinary problems in school are always a sign of something that has gone amiss with your child. Get the necessary help right away!


* Abuses drugs, alcohol or other substances ---

Well, we have addressed this issue many times. Poor self-esteem, peer pressure, emotional difficulty, poor home life, etc., can lead to abuse of a variety of substances. Substance abuse will not go away by itself. Your child is screaming for help. Do not wait - get the help right away!


* Has few or no close friends ---
A large part of growing up is developing friends. While the adolescent years can be brutal on a child's relationships (friends one day and enemies the next), it is absolutely crucial for your child to develop at least one trusting, close friend. Your child needs at least one peer with whom to share feelings, thoughts, and issues about growing up.

If your child does not have any close friends, it is indicative of the fact that your child might be suffering from poor self-esteem, does not possess the ability to develop friends, or prefers to be alone at all times - even though this is not generally the true desire of most kids.

A child who is a loner is left to struggle through the dangers of adolescence all alone - without the help of any peers. The suggestion is to get and keep your child involved in various activities in which other kids engage, such as scouts, bowling, science club, etc. - any desirable activity where others are present and active would be highly beneficial to your child. of course, it's best to start these types of activities early in life, but it is never too late!


Hang in there, continue to love and support your kids, and we'll learn more soon!


Paul W. Reeves

Sample Conversation

With regard to talking to your children about the evils of adolescence, one of the conversations that I have replayed over and over with my own children (with variations, of course!) is printed below. My goals are simple:

a. Bring up the topic and openly discuss it, so that they know that I am aware of drug use with adolescents.

b. Let them know that I am going to be checking with them on a regular basis.

c. Give legitimacy to their thoughts and likes/dislikes, so that I don't come off as a know-it-all, although I do want them to have the confidence that I am at least a "little" smarter than they are - they won't acknowledge this, but it gives them great comfort to know that their parents are fully in the game!

d. Check for body language and the tone of the answers to ensure that the actual answers match!


Dad: Hey, did you see that music awards show last night?

Daughter: Yeah, I did. It was great. All of my favorite bands were on!

Dad: I suppose that I’ll never understand some of today’s music, but, then again, my parents said the same thing about the Beatles. I’ve always believed that good music eventually becomes etched in time and it holds its place in music history. I think that’s why the music of Bach and Beethoven, as well as the Beatles and Elvis Presley, is still popular today. It represented quality in their specific areas of expertise.

Daughter: Yeah, but, N’SYNC is really cool!

Dad: Well, you said that about the Spice Girls, too. And look where they are today? They don’t even exist!

Daughter: Well, O.K., I guess you were right about the Spice Girls, but I think that N’SYNC is in the Beethoven category.

Dad: Well, you might be right. We’ll see. Do you know what I noticed on the awards show that was somewhat disturbing?

Daughter: What? N’SYNC or the Backstreet Boys?

Dad: Well, both of them actually! But seriously, I noticed that many of the rock stars had that drugged out look about them. Do you know what I mean? They had sagging eyes, they looked at least 20 years older than they were, they were skinny as rails, drugs will do that to you, you know, and their eyes had somewhat of a glassy stare. Did you notice that?

Daughter: Yeah, a little. But the guys from N’SYNC seem to be clean cut.

Dad: Yes, they seem to be. But I just don’t understand why some of these rock stars, with their talent, fame, and money, feel the need to use drugs. After using that stuff for a while, your brain starts to become fried and your physical appearance starts to go downhill. Now, I’m sure that the drugs that they took felt great at the time, but look at them now! They’ve probably chopped years off of their lives with the drug use. I just don’t understand it, do you?

Daughter: No, I don’t. But I guess that they think it’s cool to use drugs with their friends.

Dad: Oh, I’m sure that you’re right. One of their friends probably had drugs at a party one night and offered it to them. Or maybe they smoked cigarettes when they were kids and the smoking led to the need for more powerful drugs. Do any of your friends smoke?

Daughter: No, dad, they don’t. That’s the 10 millionth time that you have asked that question since I was five years old.

Dad: I know, but I like to keep checking. And, as I’ve also told you 10 millions times, my dad died when he was 56 years old, due to smoking. I don’t want that to happen to you, because who will take care of me when I’m old? Anyway, about the rock stars, before they knew it, they were hooked and now look at them. They probably couldn’t stop if they wanted to. I know that I was offered drugs a few times in my life. Fortunately, I realized how stupid they were and I was able to say no. And because I said no, I was able to grow up with my brain intact and I was able to finish college and get a decent job.

Daughter: Yeah, dad that’s true. You’ll never be a rock star!

Dad: Well, I guess I’ll take that as a compliment! Has anybody ever offered you drugs?

Daughter: Now, dad, you know my friends are square!

Dad: Well, some of them act square around me, that’s for sure. In fact, a lot of kids act square around me. I call it the Eddie Haskell syndrome.

Daughter: The Eddie who, what?

Dad: The Eddie …. oh, never mind. It's just that kids often act differently around their friends than they do when they are around their friends’ parents. But, seriously, have you ever been offered drugs? I mean, any kind, illegal, legal like Tylenol, Motrin, or anything?

Daughter: No.

Dad: Well, when I was offered drugs, I definitely said no. Of course, my friends suddenly didn’t think that I was totally cool after that, but they did seem to gain respect for me. Will you let me know if you’re ever offered anything?

Daughter: Yes.

Throughout the conversation, I was able to convey the following elements:
1) The damage that drugs will do your brain and body.
2) My thoughts that drugs are damaging.
3) Questioned my daughter about her drug use.
4) Questioned her about her friends’ drug use.
5) Gave legitimacy to her music.
6) Listed a means by which drug use can start.
7) My own chances to try drugs (I said no!).

Most important of all ...... my daughter learned that I WILL keep checking on her for her safety and well-being!

Hang in there and check with your kids on a regular basis about the evils of Using Illicit Substances, including drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Although you won't get the feedback for several years, their confidence, self-esteem, and feeling of security will grow when their mom/dad continues to convey a sense of caring and involvement!


Paul W. Reeves

TALK! TALK! TALK! - Tips

When speaking to one of my own kids on various subjects, including Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), Smoking, Alcohol, Sex, and other serious adolescent issues, I try to avoid always lecturing, yelling, and backing my child into a verbal corner from which there is no retreat.

While those techniques certainly have their place and can be effective, I also use the caring, fatherly approach. My messages are generally packed with the following information (NOTE: Although the following tips are in regard to UIS, the same tips can be used when discussing any issue):

1) I tell my child the latest news that I might have heard, regarding UIS, such as a commercial or TV show that I saw (and which I suspect that she saw or about which she might have been told), an injury or death in the newspaper that resulted UIS, or maybe some news from her school, my school, or our community. The source of the information is not important, as long as it is relevant.

2) I ask my child if he/she had heard of the information that I had just presented. It’s not important whether or not they had heard of the presented information. The important part is the fact that you’re asking the question and that you’re curious for their answer. As you are asking for his/her knowledge and/or opinion on the matter, it lets him/her know that you care about this issue.

3) I then indicate how I would handle the similar situation if it had been presented to me. Of course, I am substantially older than a middle school student with many years of educational experience and three college degrees behind me, but it’s always good for my kids to hear how a responsible adult would handle the situation. Although they might disagree and even argue that my method was silly and would never work in today’s middle school setting (kids always say that their parents are out-of-step, don’t they?), it is still good for them to hear (over and over) how a responsible adult would handle the problem.

4) Then comes the big step! It’s time to ask your child how he/she would have handled the same problem or how they reacted to the problem that you presented. Hopefully, he/she will occasionally disagree with you. If your kids consistently agree with your line of reasoning, WATCH OUT! They are merely attempting to placate you, so that they can get on to their lives at the moment. Be sure to listen carefully, as their answers can often provide unintentional insight into their patterns of thinking, their true intentions, and their friends.

5) Be sure that the conversation, whether short or long, is filled with meaningful expressions, words, and thoughts, as well as letting them know that you care for their well-being as a person and as your child. While it might be easy to say, “Because I’m your dad (or mom) and I said so, now do it!”, it’s definitely not going to be effective in most situations, although that line of speech certainly does have its place. Rather, be sure that your child understands that you are serious about the subject, as well as their life.

So, yes, as difficult as it might be, continually raise the issues of the day with your children, including UIS, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc., so that they know that you’re aware of the issues, that you care about their reactions and abstinence, and so that they know that you care about them!

Remember, remaining silent will be much easier, but it will also signal to your kids that you don’t care! So, it’s time to TALK!TALK!TALK! to your kids ….. every day as much as possible!!


Paul W. Reeves

TALK! TALK! TALK!

One of the most important steps that you can take with your child toward the prevention of Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), as well as a host of other topics, is to TALK!TALK!TALK! (TTT) to him/her monthly, weekly, and even daily, depending on the situation. It also helps if you use this precautionary method as soon as he/she is old enough to understand the message, but, if you’ve waited until now, it’s still not too late.

Before you utilize the TTT method, you must first gain an understanding of your child, so that you can determine which approach will work the best. For example if your child is able to listen to you without feeling threatened, the one-on-one approach might work best. If your child tunes you out during one-on-one discussions or immediately feels threatened or unloved due to your approach, then a non-direct eye contact method should be used.

For example, when facing my daughter one-on-one for a prolonged, caring discussion, she is able to understand my message, internalize it, and put it to use. It is also during these times that she is able to understand that I truly care about her and that I want the best for her.

However, my oldest son does not respond well to this approach, except in small increments. After a few moments of the one-on-one approach, he will make attempts to divest himself of the conversation, try to change the subject, or intentionally show that he is not truly internalizing my message.

He is not being disrespectful; he is simply unable to face a constant onslaught of these one-on-one direct messages. As his parent, I can force him to remain in place for my lecture, but due to his personality and his increasing desire to be removed from the conversation, my message does not have the impact that I desire. In fact, due to the fact that he is constantly trying to think of ways to get out of the lecture, he will not retain most of my message.

However, when I talk to him while driving the car, lying on his bedroom floor with him on his bed (both of us on our backs, staring at the ceiling, and avoiding eye contact), or chatting during the preparation of breakfast, my messages are well-received. In fact, these situations seem to encourage him to verbally respond in appropriate ways!

In order to effectively communicate your message of non-UIS and other issues to your child, first determine the proper method of communication with your child. Don’t become frustrated if the first several approaches and/or locales do not work effectively. Keep on trying new communication avenues until you find the right one for your individual child. And remember, each child is different, even when within the same family!

Stop by next week for some tips to use when engaging in detailed and successful TALK!TALK!TALK! session between you and child!!


Paul W. Reeves