BIG WORDS for Kids!!

Everybody says “Awwwwww” when they hear a child say such words as “mama” “dada”, “lookee”, “potty”, etc. Yes, while it is certainly cute to hear a little voice say those words, have you ever heard a little child speak with proper grammar, more adult-like English, and proper language inflections? When you hear a child speak like that, the “Awwwwww” becomes “WOW”!!!

Shortly before our first child was born, we decided that all of our upcoming kids would learn to speak properly from the beginning and that we would not allow “baby-like” and “cute” substitutes for words that they would have to discard later upon entering elementary school. After all, what is the point of teaching words that can never be used again after a few years? Why not teach the words that kids will actually use when they get older – all the way into adulthood?

So, when my daughter was born, we continually used “grown-up” language around her. We encouraged her to learn to speak properly when addressing others.

After she became quite conversant with everybody (she could hold complete conversations with adults without utilizing “baby-talk”), I decided that it was time to exponentially expand her vocabulary. Note to wives: This is one lesson as to why you should never leave your husbands alone with the kids!!!!!

At any rate, one day when my daughter and I were alone, I started using BIG WORDS to describe various aspects of life around the house. Of course, she asked me for the meaning of the words, we practiced them, and she began to properly use them in sentences.

One of the first words that we used was “Plethora” (Definition: An excessive amount or number; an abundance). I started talking about the plethora of newspapers in the rack, the plethora of leaves on the trees in the backyard, the plethora of ice cubes that were in the freezer, etc.

My daughter, never one to miss a chance to expand her vocabulary (she was a ham from the beginning!), started going around the house pointing out where a plethora of something either did or did not exist. For example, she said, “There is a plethora of ties in your closet, dad” or “There is not a plethora of trash in the garage”. Very early in the lesson on the word, she had clearly gained an understanding of the use of the word “Plethora”.

These types of informal conversations/lessons continued on an almost daily basis. Again, when speaking to adults, our 18-month-old sounded like she fit right in with her complete sentences, proper grammar, proper use of the language, and, yes, using BIG WORDS that somebody-who-shall-remain-nameless had taught to her!

One day, while attending an extended-family birthday party in the presence of nearly 20 adults, my daughter loudly and gleefully announced, “There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table”.

Before that moment, I never believed that it was possible for an entire room of adult conversations to instantly come to a close; have all heads turn in one person’s direction; and then have a few folks say things such as, “WOW, did you hear that?”, “She just said, ‘There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table’”, and “Where did she learn that word?”.

Then somebody, not quite believing what he had just heard, asked my daughter, “What does that word mean”. My daughter, the ham, proudly announced, “It means an overwhelming amount”. The silent room became even more silent!! My daughter beamed from ear-to-ear at her obviously impressive performance and, of course, it encouraged her to learn tons more BIG WORDS in the future.

Today, she and my two sons regularly engage in chatter that is filled with BIG WORDS, proper grammar, and proper use of the English language, as they converse with their friends, teachers, and family members.

Yes, teaching toddlers BIG WORDS might seem to be a little bit pompous. However, it instilled in my kids the notion that words do matter and, when they speak properly with some BIG WORDS, people listen more carefully and with greater attentiveness, as the more intelligent conversation level opens more doors with more people.

Now, can my kids still converse like kids? Oh, yes, they can! How about this for a sample, “Yeah, I know dude, that is really cool, I mean like, you know, it is awesome”. Yes, those types of sentences make dads cringe, but at least they’ve learned to fit in with their peers when they see it as a necessity!

So, yes, teach your kids the BIG WORDS, proper English, proper grammar, don’t accept anything less, and they’ll grow up to be smart, but they’ll still talk like a kid when the need arises!!

Have a remarkably stupendous, phenomenal, overwhelming, breathtaking, and colossal time with your kids!! And, oh yes, be sure to spend a plethora of time with them!!


Paul W. Reeves

Your Child's Basic Needs

As you might have guessed, after actively interacting with children for over 25 years, I have a plethora of anecdotal stories that elicit humorous, interesting, sad, exhilarating, depressing, and uplifting emotions.

One of the saddest group of stories involves lack of parental involvement in a child’s life. Boys and girls look to their parents for nurturing, support (emotional and financial), love, attention, and the general feeling that there is somebody in world to take care of them.

During one particular school day, the head of the Cafeteria, Mary, brought a student to me during the lunch period. According to Mary, the student, a 7th grade boy named Derrick, did not have lunch money, his pre-paid account had been exhausted, he did not bring food from home, and he was refusing to eat the free sandwich that was always offered to students in his situation.

Inexplicably, Derrick seemed to be quite angry about the free sandwich. I stated his options to him: Eat the free sandwich or call home, as I did not want him to continue with his day and the after-school basketball practice on an empty stomach. Derrick agreed to call his dad.

I escorted Derrick to my office to use my telephone. Although I could not hear his dad’s end of the conversation, I did hear Derrick speak the following words: “No, it’s your fault, because you wouldn’t get out of bed to give me the money”, “I kept asking you, but you just stayed in bed”, “You do this to me all the time”, “Well, you’re not the one who has to stay at school until 6:00 without eating”, “You know what? …. No, you’re the loser”. Derrick then hung up the phone.

Well, as you might have guessed, this situation quickly transformed from a story about a free sandwich into a story that contained several elements. Derrick and I sat down at my office table. After I chastised him for speaking to his father in such disrespectful tones, I asked Derrick to explain his actions.

Through tears, he explained that to me that his dad drinks a lot, gets home most nights long after Derrick goes to bed, sleeps all day, goes out to eat in the afternoon, and then goes to work. Derrick further explained that his mother moved out a few years ago and that, because of his dad’s work and party schedule, he seldom gets to spend any time with his dad.

In short, Derrick’s dad had been given full responsibility for his son’s life. To put it mildly, Derrick’s dad had failed at every turn. After a number of years of neglectful treatment, Derrick had come to believe that his father did not love him, did not take care of his basic needs, and certainly did not support him.

I quickly made a 2-tier plan: The first step was to make sure that Derrick ate that day. I offered him a candy bar, BUT he had to eat the free sandwich first. He quickly agreed to that plan! As you might have guessed, Derrick thought that this would be a good plan for every future day, as well! So, yes, we made sure that we always had a supply of candy bars for Derrick AFTER he ate the sandwich each day!

The second step was to speak with his dad at a future basketball game about the need to take care of his son’s basis needs (I figured that I could talk to him about everything else later). However, as you might have guessed, Derrick’s dad never showed up for one of his son’s games. So, the second step eventually involved telephone calls, home visits, and the involvement of a team of people from the school and other governmental systems. Eventually, Derrick’s father became more involved with his son’s life (he even came to a basketball game!!), but the wasted years could never be recovered.

So the big questions are as follows:

1) Do you take care of your child’s basic needs every single day (love, support, nurturing, etc.)? Your child relies on you to provide for their health, safety, and well-being. In most cases, children do not have resources to provide for themselves. If Derrick had not become angry over the free sandwich, we never would have known of his plight and the school would not have stepped in to intervene. How many previous days did Derrick silently suffer before becoming he became angry on that day?

2) Does your child feel secure in this world with the knowledge that you will always be there to provide for his/her needs including clothing, food, shelter, etc.?

3) Do you know of a child in Derrick’s situation, in which it appears as though parents are not taking care of their children? If so, please report this information to your local school, so that they can quickly intervene and get the necessary help for the child!

Yes, as I indicated, in the world of dealing with children, there are many sad stories like Derrick’s. There are also some uplifting stories (the end of Derrick’s story was certainly better than the beginning!). I’ll provide one of those in August.

Hang in there and take excellent care of your kids!


Paul W. Reeves

Kids Growing Up - WHAT?!?!?

Well, O.K., it’s time to approach everybody for some help! That’s right, I’m looking for some advice! What’s the problem, you might be asking? Well, my14-year-old 8th grade daughter is about to leave for a week long trip with her school to Washington D.C.

This is the same 14-year-old girl that I used to have to rock to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AT 3:00 A.M. during the first year of her life because she needed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was also the little girl who needed my help to learn to ride her bike, learn the weekly enjoyment of pizza and a Slurpee from 7-11, learn the proper driving skills in her Barbie car, learn the finer points of baseball while watching a Tigers’ game on TV with me, learn to play the clarinet so that she could earn a1st division rating at this year’s Solo and Ensemble Band festival, and, well, you get the idea!!

It’s not so much the fact that she’ll be gone for a week. I can deal with that, as I know that she’ll be home next Saturday, whereupon we will immediately embark on a pizza/Slurpee journey! It’s not even so much the fact that she’s going to live for nearly a week without any direct help from me. No, I can deal with that, too (for one week, that is). I’ll even find something else to do at 6:00 a.m. each day this week (that’s the time that I usually wake her up with a cheerful hello and some sort of bad joke!!).

The problem is this: It’s that I can see the beginning of the end of life with my daughter in our house. People with older children have told me that kids actually grow up, become adults, move out, get married, have kids, and lead totally independent lives from their dads! Perhaps, those people were just teasing me. But, if all that they said is true, please pass along some advice!!

So, if you have older kids, how have you dealt with all of the above? Please pass along your comments for all to see, as your advice can be helpful to other parents, as well. As for my two boys (ages 8 and 11), I think that we just might have Slurpees and pizza every day this week! Even though my wife strongly discourages the consumption of pizza and Slurpees in our family, I have a feeling that she just might go for it this week!

And finally, I finished my inaugural basketball coaching season this past weekend as the assistant coach, as our team scored a thrilling 35-33 victory! The victory must have been the work of the head coach and the players, because the assistant coach was thinking about a very special 14-year-old girl who was sitting in the bleachers with her mom and her little brother .........................

So, parents, as exhausting and infuriating as it can sometimes be, have you thought about the times in the future when your kids will no longer live with you or even need your sage advice and wisdom on an hourly basis? The day is coming sooner than you think! So, use your time now to continue to raise your kids in the manner that you believe is best. There is a limited window of opportunity for you to help your kids find their way. Because one day, they just might leave for a week .... and discover that they can live without you ... OUCH!

To the parents who have experienced kids leaving the nest, how have you coped? Was it as difficult as it appears to be? Please pass along advice for everybody! Thanks!


Paul W. Reeves

Your Kids Are Watching You!!

Do your kids ever receive mixed messages from you? As with all cases, consistent and persistent messages from you, followed by consistent and persistent behavior from you, is one of the strongest and most dynamic methods by which you can convince your kids to avoid the life of the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS).

For example, do you daily preach the evils of UIS and then occasionally come home from a party in an inebriated state? Do you sternly lecture your kids about the dangers of UIS and then fill the air of your basement’s back room under the stairs with cigarette smoke? Do you strike fear in your kids about the perils of UIS and then rent a movie that glorifies drug use (there are certainly plenty of movies out there for this purpose!)?

You are an adult and you can make adult choices. Therefore, I am not utilizing this passage to pass along my views on how a parent should go about their personal business. However, I will tell you this: Your spoken words to your kids are very important. They will internalize your words, as well as their intent, and they will make life decisions based upon the direction that you give to them.

However, your actions speak much more loudly and with more clarity than your words ever will! While your words are important, over time your kids will respond and shape their lives in accordance with your actions more than with your words.

In simple terms, if you want your kids to avoid the dead-end road of “Use of Illegal Substances”, your actions will need to be consistent with your words 100% of the time with no exceptions!

Nobody ever said that parenting would be easy!

Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother ..... it is your children!!


Paul W. Reeves

TV/Movies = Sex?

In the mid to late 1960’s, the mere mention of brief nudity or a partially clothed bedroom scene was enough to stir the masses. One little scene was the talk of the town, television and radio talk shows, and newspaper articles!

Well, we’ve come a long way in 40+ years! These days, it’s a real challenge to find a movie that does not contain nudity or sex, whether graphic or implied. Many of the scenes leave nothing to the imagination, and that’s only PG-13 or R movies. A night at the movies with my wife has become a real challenge to avoid such inappropriate scenes. Taking my kids to the movies is much more difficult to do. While I can remember going to the movies several times a year as a kid, my own children might go once or twice per year, as there is simply too much filth that is ready to permeate their brains.

Your children are also heavily influenced by the graphic and implied images that they see in movies, ads for movies, or on the videos that you watch at home. And, yes, the slick producers are able to make these images most enticing to your children.

Further, the print and visual ads for these movies are equally as enticing to your kids. And, of course, peer pressure contributes to your kids’ desire to see these movies. To give you and example of the slick ways that Hollywood slips sexual content into the movies, courtesy of Kids-In-Mind.com, read the following notes of the sexual content in two movies: (see if can you guess the titles of the movie after reading the clues):

*A woman gets the impression that her husband is suggesting that they have sex on their dining room table; she guzzles her wine (and her husband’s) and unbuttons her sweater vest, giggles and says “It’s not even Saturday.”

*A priest ogles a woman in a bikini.

*A woman wears a bikini in a tanning bed, exposing cleavage, bare abdomen and bare legs

*A man pulls his pants down and we see his bare buttock.

*A woman’s low-cut pants show the top of her thong and buttock cleavage, and a woman’s dress reveals cleavage.


If those descriptions were from movies that you and your spouse were to view after the kids went to bed, that would be a choice that you made. However, the descriptions were from a two PG movies entitled, “Christmas with the Kranks” starring Tim Allen and “Freaky Friday”, with Lindsay Lohan (a teen favorite!).

Again, these types of inappropriate sexual content were slipped in comedies, starring everybody’s favorite tool man and a new favorite actress of middle school kids! After all, how could the movies possibly go astray? While I have not actually seen either movie, just those little snippets of sexual content, however brief they may be, are enough for me to know that I do not want my kids exposed to these movies. And, remember, Hollywood has produced these movies to target your child!

If you were not thoroughly disgusted by the content in these reviews (an understandable reaction, as we might have become desensitized to this type of junk), read them a few more times. By the 3rd reading, knowing that these movies were geared specifically for your kids, you just might become sick to your stomach.

Keep an eye on the movies that your kids watch - the sex and nudity can become as addictive as alcohol and drugs for your child!


Paul W. Reeves

TV/Movies - Watch Out!!

Many of the middle school children with whom I have had experience over the past 20 years have seen movies, with their parents’ permission, that would have brought me great trouble from my parents if I had seen them as a youth. And, yes, my own children would receive a consequence if they were to ever watch such inappropriate movies.

However, with the slick ads and peer pressure, the “cool” kids always have to see the “cool” movies. In other words, there is abundant pressure on your kids that, to be “cool” with their peers, they must watch the “cool” movies that are laced with sex and nudity.

As I have previously stated, early interest in sexual images and nudity on the screen can lead to a sexual addiction, whether in minor or major form, wherein kids will begin to crave more and more of the inappropriate movies and perhaps will even attempt to venture toward “R” or “X” movies.

As difficult as it might seem to believe, a significantly high percentage (too high for my taste) of my good students over the years have shared that they have regularly viewed “R” and “X” movies, sometimes with their parents’ knowledge, but mostly without. As I’ve often told my own children and several adolescent children over the years, if you would not watch a particular movie in front of your parents, then don’t watch it alone, because it most likely contains inappropriate elements.

As I further explored this issue with the students, without fail they were able to list several PG-13 movies that they had previously viewed before venturing toward harder material.

Also, without fail, it appears as though the less parental involvement and monitoring of the adolescent child’s behavior, the more often the kids watch movies that are laced with sex and nudity.

Therefore, the challenge and answer to this dilemma are both obvious:

1) DO NOT let your children go to the movies unless you fully understand the content, either by first seeing the movie yourself, checking with trustworthy friends who share your same values and concerns, by reading articles that contain pertinent content information, by watching movie ads that provide clues (the kind of clues that are used to entice our kids!), or by checking websites that specialize in providing you with movie content (such as dove.org., pluggedinonline.com, or kids-in-mind.com).

2) Be careful of the videos that you bring in to your home. As a longtime educator of middle school children, I can tell you this: No matter how clever your hiding places might be, your kids WILL find the videos, watch them, and discuss them with their friends! And, if you have a 5-day rental, they might even share them with their friends! Lesson: If you don’t want your children to watch inappropriate movies, don’t bring them in to your home.

3) Be careful of the movies that you watch in your home. If you are watching a movie that you do not want your child to see, be sure that you view it in closed quarters at a time when they won’t see it. I wish that I had a dollar for each time that a middle school child told me that they saw their parents watching a movie that was filled with sex and nudity. This event usually occurred in the living room or family room after the kids had gone to bed ….. and then sneaked down to watch without their parents’ knowledge! Be careful!

Keep any eye on the movies that your kids view. The sex and nudity can be as addictive as alcohol and drugs for your kids!


Paul W. Reeves

Kids Smoking and Drinking?

According to a recent report from AScribe Newswire Center for the Advancement of Health, "Teen smoking and drinking do not occur in a vacuum -- both parents and peers may promote or discourage substance abuse among teens, according to a study of more than 4,500 students in the sixth, seventh and eighth grades".

"This is one of the first studies to report that both peer and parent influences are independently associated with smoking and drinking," said lead author Bruce Simons-Morton, Ed.D., M.P.H., of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development at National Institutes of Health, in Bethesda, Maryland.

The teen study participants took a substance abuse survey that included questions on how many of their friends smoke and drink and how often friends had encouraged them to smoke or drink over the past year. The teens were also asked how aware their parents were of their daily activities, about their parents' expectations concerning smoking and drinking and about their parents' level of regard for them.

Girls and boys who associated with friends who smoke and drank were more likely to do so themselves, the researchers found. "Our findings underscore the powerful influence affiliation with substance-using peers can have on smoking and drinking," said Simons-Morton.

In general, girls were more likely to drink than boys and were more susceptible to peer pressure from friends encouraging them to drink, according to the study. "This is consistent with other research suggesting that girls may be more susceptible than boys to peer influences to smoke or drink," noted Simons-Morton.

Parents also appeared to influence teen smoking and drinking, the researchers found. "Teens who perceived that their parents like them, respect them, take them seriously, listen to them and give reasons for rules and decisions that involve them were less likely to smoke and drink," said Simons-Morton.

"Teens with parents who do not establish clear behavioral expectations, do not keep themselves informed about their teen's life and do not demonstrate their regard for their teen are more likely to experiment with substance use," the researcher added.

Do you like and respect your kids? Of course you do! But, do your kids believe that you like and respect them? Do you take your kids seriously? Of course you do! But, it has been my experience that only when parents take the time to explain their thoughts to their kids (as opposed to just ordering them around and sternly lecturing them) do the kids actually feel as though they are liked, loved, and respected by their parents.

Also, do you have clear behavioral expectations for your kids? Do they know what they are? After working with thousands of middle school kids over the years, it has become clear that kids seek and desire clear rules and expectations from their parents.

Yes, they will rebel and try to circumvent the rules, but only as an attempt to test your love for them! Be consistent, be clear, and always check on your kids, to help to ensure that they are staying away from all forms of drugs.

Hang in there! Your kids need you!!


Paul W. Reeves

Sample Conversation

With regard to talking to your children about the evils of adolescence, one of the conversations that I have replayed over and over with my own children (with variations, of course!) is printed below. My goals are simple:

a. Bring up the topic and openly discuss it, so that they know that I am aware of drug use with adolescents.

b. Let them know that I am going to be checking with them on a regular basis.

c. Give legitimacy to their thoughts and likes/dislikes, so that I don't come off as a know-it-all, although I do want them to have the confidence that I am at least a "little" smarter than they are - they won't acknowledge this, but it gives them great comfort to know that their parents are fully in the game!

d. Check for body language and the tone of the answers to ensure that the actual answers match!


Dad: Hey, did you see that music awards show last night?

Daughter: Yeah, I did. It was great. All of my favorite bands were on!

Dad: I suppose that I’ll never understand some of today’s music, but, then again, my parents said the same thing about the Beatles. I’ve always believed that good music eventually becomes etched in time and it holds its place in music history. I think that’s why the music of Bach and Beethoven, as well as the Beatles and Elvis Presley, is still popular today. It represented quality in their specific areas of expertise.

Daughter: Yeah, but, N’SYNC is really cool!

Dad: Well, you said that about the Spice Girls, too. And look where they are today? They don’t even exist!

Daughter: Well, O.K., I guess you were right about the Spice Girls, but I think that N’SYNC is in the Beethoven category.

Dad: Well, you might be right. We’ll see. Do you know what I noticed on the awards show that was somewhat disturbing?

Daughter: What? N’SYNC or the Backstreet Boys?

Dad: Well, both of them actually! But seriously, I noticed that many of the rock stars had that drugged out look about them. Do you know what I mean? They had sagging eyes, they looked at least 20 years older than they were, they were skinny as rails, drugs will do that to you, you know, and their eyes had somewhat of a glassy stare. Did you notice that?

Daughter: Yeah, a little. But the guys from N’SYNC seem to be clean cut.

Dad: Yes, they seem to be. But I just don’t understand why some of these rock stars, with their talent, fame, and money, feel the need to use drugs. After using that stuff for a while, your brain starts to become fried and your physical appearance starts to go downhill. Now, I’m sure that the drugs that they took felt great at the time, but look at them now! They’ve probably chopped years off of their lives with the drug use. I just don’t understand it, do you?

Daughter: No, I don’t. But I guess that they think it’s cool to use drugs with their friends.

Dad: Oh, I’m sure that you’re right. One of their friends probably had drugs at a party one night and offered it to them. Or maybe they smoked cigarettes when they were kids and the smoking led to the need for more powerful drugs. Do any of your friends smoke?

Daughter: No, dad, they don’t. That’s the 10 millionth time that you have asked that question since I was five years old.

Dad: I know, but I like to keep checking. And, as I’ve also told you 10 millions times, my dad died when he was 56 years old, due to smoking. I don’t want that to happen to you, because who will take care of me when I’m old? Anyway, about the rock stars, before they knew it, they were hooked and now look at them. They probably couldn’t stop if they wanted to. I know that I was offered drugs a few times in my life. Fortunately, I realized how stupid they were and I was able to say no. And because I said no, I was able to grow up with my brain intact and I was able to finish college and get a decent job.

Daughter: Yeah, dad that’s true. You’ll never be a rock star!

Dad: Well, I guess I’ll take that as a compliment! Has anybody ever offered you drugs?

Daughter: Now, dad, you know my friends are square!

Dad: Well, some of them act square around me, that’s for sure. In fact, a lot of kids act square around me. I call it the Eddie Haskell syndrome.

Daughter: The Eddie who, what?

Dad: The Eddie …. oh, never mind. It's just that kids often act differently around their friends than they do when they are around their friends’ parents. But, seriously, have you ever been offered drugs? I mean, any kind, illegal, legal like Tylenol, Motrin, or anything?

Daughter: No.

Dad: Well, when I was offered drugs, I definitely said no. Of course, my friends suddenly didn’t think that I was totally cool after that, but they did seem to gain respect for me. Will you let me know if you’re ever offered anything?

Daughter: Yes.

Throughout the conversation, I was able to convey the following elements:
1) The damage that drugs will do your brain and body.
2) My thoughts that drugs are damaging.
3) Questioned my daughter about her drug use.
4) Questioned her about her friends’ drug use.
5) Gave legitimacy to her music.
6) Listed a means by which drug use can start.
7) My own chances to try drugs (I said no!).

Most important of all ...... my daughter learned that I WILL keep checking on her for her safety and well-being!

Hang in there and check with your kids on a regular basis about the evils of Using Illicit Substances, including drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Although you won't get the feedback for several years, their confidence, self-esteem, and feeling of security will grow when their mom/dad continues to convey a sense of caring and involvement!


Paul W. Reeves

TALK! TALK! TALK!

One of the most important steps that you can take with your child toward the prevention of Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), as well as a host of other topics, is to TALK!TALK!TALK! (TTT) to him/her monthly, weekly, and even daily, depending on the situation. It also helps if you use this precautionary method as soon as he/she is old enough to understand the message, but, if you’ve waited until now, it’s still not too late.

Before you utilize the TTT method, you must first gain an understanding of your child, so that you can determine which approach will work the best. For example if your child is able to listen to you without feeling threatened, the one-on-one approach might work best. If your child tunes you out during one-on-one discussions or immediately feels threatened or unloved due to your approach, then a non-direct eye contact method should be used.

For example, when facing my daughter one-on-one for a prolonged, caring discussion, she is able to understand my message, internalize it, and put it to use. It is also during these times that she is able to understand that I truly care about her and that I want the best for her.

However, my oldest son does not respond well to this approach, except in small increments. After a few moments of the one-on-one approach, he will make attempts to divest himself of the conversation, try to change the subject, or intentionally show that he is not truly internalizing my message.

He is not being disrespectful; he is simply unable to face a constant onslaught of these one-on-one direct messages. As his parent, I can force him to remain in place for my lecture, but due to his personality and his increasing desire to be removed from the conversation, my message does not have the impact that I desire. In fact, due to the fact that he is constantly trying to think of ways to get out of the lecture, he will not retain most of my message.

However, when I talk to him while driving the car, lying on his bedroom floor with him on his bed (both of us on our backs, staring at the ceiling, and avoiding eye contact), or chatting during the preparation of breakfast, my messages are well-received. In fact, these situations seem to encourage him to verbally respond in appropriate ways!

In order to effectively communicate your message of non-UIS and other issues to your child, first determine the proper method of communication with your child. Don’t become frustrated if the first several approaches and/or locales do not work effectively. Keep on trying new communication avenues until you find the right one for your individual child. And remember, each child is different, even when within the same family!

Stop by next week for some tips to use when engaging in detailed and successful TALK!TALK!TALK! session between you and child!!


Paul W. Reeves

Illicit Substances-Ned's Story

When raising middle school kids, it must be remembered that our kids might be involved with legal or illegal drugs in various ways. Unfortunately, even in the best homes, experimentation with drugs during the middle school years is common. Just as unfortunate, our middle school kids often don’t see the link between their actions today and the consequences tomorrow. They also have a tendency to feel indestructible and immune to the problems that others experience. You remember that feeling, don’t you?

Using alcohol and tobacco at a young age increases the risk of using other drugs later. Some teens will experiment and stop, or continue to use occasionally, without significant problems. Others will develop a dependency, moving on to more dangerous drugs and causing significant harm to themselves and possibly others.

During my years as a Middle School Assistant Principal, I once lived in the same neighborhood as my students (unbelievably, my house was never egged!!). One of my neighbors, Ned, was a classic, textbook case of a middle school child who initially engaged in smoking cigarettes behind the shed in his backyard (he stole the cigarettes from his dad and uncle) and then “graduated” into cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs that he was able to purchase (his dad was quite wealthy and, instead of giving him the love and guidance that he needed, he peppered him with money, not only the $100.00 per week for allowance, but also anytime Ned asked for money, his dad gladly forked it over!).

Early on, before I realized the details of Ned’s forays into the world of the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), I sought to gain Ned’s confidence, so that I could help him succeed. Ned was a very bright student with good leadership skills and a promising future. However, he always seemed to choose the wrong road with his school work, his teachers, his choice of friends, and his relationship with his parents and sister (also a student at my school). As I began to spend time with Ned, it was clear that he was perpetually bothered by something.

His mother seemed quite nice, although somewhat immature and, perhaps, not the best candidate for a mother to a child who was suffering. His father, a successful attorney with movie star looks seemed to be the only hope for Ned on the home front. Although I delved into every aspect of Ned’s life with him, I always came up empty, as he never wanted to talk about his parents, he wanted to keep all of his friends (most of whom also seemed to be destined for failure in life), and he certainly didn’t want anything to do with school, even though he was easily capable of earning all A’s on his report card.

Then, of course, it finally hit me. Ned’s problems centered around not only his continual UIS, but particularly his never-ending request to get more and more and stronger and stronger substances. Ned continued through cigarettes, cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs to the point that he needed serious intervention and medical attention for his highly developed addiction.

After Ned entered a treatment program, I began to get to know his dad. His dad was very difficult to get to know, as he always seemed distant and unwilling to discuss his family’s situation. At times, Ned’s dad became visibly angry with me as I asked questions that were intended to help his son.

After spending about six months speaking with Ned’s dad off-and-on in my office, in the backyard, and near his mailbox, he began to share his reasons for his anger. He had lectured and yelled at Ned since he was young about the dangers of UIS. Hardly a day went by in which his dad didn’t blast away about the perils of UIS. As such, his dad was hurt and angry that Ned had gone down the road of drug addiction to the point that he needed intervention to save his life. His dad felt like a failure.

However, I learned that the behavior of Ned’s dad did not align with his daily spoken words to his son. Ned’s dad drank heavily (he was inebriated on most nights and actually became drunk once or twice a week), he smoked marijuana in the basement, he slept with a variety of women (yes, we was married!), he was gone for a few days each week, and, in general, his personal life was a mess.

So, even though his words to Ned were accurate and were delivered with great consistency, since his actions did not even remotely mirror his words, Ned fell into a world of severe drug addiction. To paraphrase the song “Cat in the Cradle”, Ned had an inner desire to be just like his dad, despite his words. Unfortunately, Ned had accomplished his goal. With Ned’s I.Q. and desire for success, I am convinced that, if his dad’s behavior had been aligned with his words throughout Ned’s early years, Ned would have not been enticed by the world of UIS.

Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother .... it's your children! Yes, parenting can be difficult (you actually have to watch your own behavior - OUCH!), but the rewards of successful parenting will bring a lifetime of rewards for you, your children, the children of your children, etc.

Hang in there and remember that your kids are watching you! Outwardly live the life that you want them to live!!


Paul W. Reeves