Dad and Child - Together!

Long before my children were born, I decided that I wanted their biggest influence to be ... ME – not their friends, the drug users, the drinkers, the kids who never tried to succeed in school, etc., but their greatest everyday influence was to be their favorite DAD!!

So, as a part of my journey toward becoming their biggest influence, I decided that, whenever I ventured out of the house to run an errand, I would ALWAYS take at least one child with me. In this manner, irrespective of what might be happening in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the home, I could always escape with at least one child for a focused conversation, lesson on life, or just listening to the tales of their trials and tribulations.

One day I needed to travel to the local hardware store, about a 2 minute drive from our house. As I gathered up my oldest son (about 8-years-old at the time) to make the trip with me, I was looking forward to the isolated time together, the conversations that would ensue, and the possible lessons that my son would learn from me, including shopping for the necessary part and interacting with store employees.

However, as we were about to leave the driveway, I noticed that he looked a little concerned about something. When I asked him if all was O.K., he told me that he was fine. But, the look on his face told me otherwise.

I made a quick decision to bypass the local hardware store for the 2-minute drive and continued to the chain hardware store about 15 minutes away, thereby allowing me a total of 30 minutes of focused drive time to delve into my son’s obvious annoyance with some issue.

During the trip to the store, we talked about a variety of topics, including his upcoming baseball season, the Detroit Tigers, school, etc. He was quite chatty, but it still appeared as though something was bothering him. We arrived at the store, did our shopping for the needed part, and then got in the car for the ride home.

As we closed in on the 10-minute mark of the 15-minute drive home, my son suddenly asked me, “Dad, would you ever get drunk?” Well, somehow I managed to keep the car on the road as I told him that I would never allow myself to become inebriated. Of course, I then did the obvious. As this question came completely out of the dark with no lead-in or even an iota of purpose to me, I asked him why he would ask me such a question.

He then told me of his friend Mike (not his real name) in his 3rd grade class. Mike had told my son that his dad regularly gets drunk, beats up the mother and kids, and then leaves the family for a few days at a time. They never know if he is coming back!! Mike also told my son that ALL DADS do this, so he should be careful about me. To say the least, my son was conflicted, as he had been living in a loving home, yet his friends told him that ALL DADS do this!

Ah ha!! So I had my answer as to my son’s obvious concern about something. I then turned our drive home of less than 5 minutes into a few more errands that took over an hour, just so we could be alone to discuss this important topic. I assured my son that I would never be drunk, that I would never beat up our family, and that I would never disappear for days at a time. My reassurances did wonders for him, as his mood became brighter and he even suggested that we stop for ice-cream (a favorite activity in our family!). I also told my son that I would try and get help for Mike and his family (more about this in a future post – all is now well with Mike and his family!!).

Now - and here’s the big point - if I had just traipsed off to the local hardware store alone (which, by the way, would have been much easier and faster), I might have never heard about Mike’s story and my son’s concern that it could happen in our home. But, by consciously seizing every single possible moment to spend time with my kids, the situation allowed for the comfort zone in which my son could tell me of his concerns.

If I had not had those moments alone with my kids, it is possible that a stronger influence in his life (a friend, perhaps?) might have confirmed the story and confirmed that my son had better watch out for his dad!!

But, by being the strongest influence in my son's life, he knew where to go to find the truth ..... HIS DAD!!

How about you? Please pass along your suggestions as to how you have become, or plan to become, the strongest influence in your child’s life. After all, if you’re not the strongest influence in his/her life, somebody else will be!!

Hang in there and spend quality and quantity time with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

"I Dunno - I Fuhgot"

Our oldest two children had progressed rather nicely in the development of verbal, reasoning, and communication skills. Since our house was always in some state of communication, it seemed natural for them to develop those skills at an early age.

However, during the ages of 2 and 3 years old, our 3rd and youngest child seemed to not be developing the same skills at anywhere near the expected rate of our home or the expected rate of normal childhood development. Anytime that we asked him for an explanation on anything (such as, “Why are your toys in the middle of the floor?”, “Where is your blanket?, or “Why didn’t you tell us?”), we were always met with the following response, “I dunno, I fuhgot” (Translation: “I don’t know, I forgot”)

Well, to say the least, we were a little concerned about his seeming lack of development with his verbal and expressive skills. In our family, all of us spoke in clear and expository terms when discussing a multitude of issues. As such, he had plenty of exposure to the proper examples of communication. Yet, we continued to be hit with a barrage of “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!

We actually discussed the possibility of his sandbagging or scamming us on the issues, but, at the same time, we couldn’t believe that a 2/3-year-old could actually scam his parents on a regular basis. The look in his eyes seemed to indicate intelligence, but his lack of ability to verbally express his thoughts was of great concern.

So, was it really a case of “I dunno, I fuhgot” or were we dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER? We discussed this issue on a regular basis and we talked about the possibility of getting assistance with his oral language.

Near the end of his 3rd year of life, however, we received our answer to the “Dunno/Scammer” issue. I had a series of audio CD’s from various ministers, including Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, James Dobson, etc., all neatly arranged on shelves according to the presenter. One day, I noticed that the CD’s had become substantially discombobulated on the shelf, as the ministers’ CD’s were all mixed up! How could this happen? I asked my two older children and they indicated that they knew nothing of the mix up.

I then asked my youngest child, expecting the usual, “I dunno, I fuhgot” response. His actual response stopped me in my tracks – I then picked myself off of the floor, got a cold drink of water, retrieved a tape recorder, and asked him to answer the question again about the mix up of the CD’s.

His verbatim response is as follows: “Well, I noticed that Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, and Focus on the Family all had messages on the topic of “Love”, so I rearranged the CD’s to put all of the “Love” messages together. I then did the same for “Money” messages, “Jesus” messages, “Conflict messages”, “Healing” messages, “Delivering” messages, “Attitude” messages and so on and so forth. You see, dad, by arranging the CD’s in this manner, you can easily find all of the CD’s on “Love”, for example, instead of searching through each minister’s collection and then possibly even missing one. This way, they’re all together! This is my small way of helping the family. So, why don’t we listen to a Jesus message together right now? We have 7 to choose from. Which one is your favorite, dad?”

Well, alrighty then - the hours, weeks, months, even years of concern that our youngest child was not developing the necessary oral skills were all for naught, as we were dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER the whole time!!

I then told him that I was very proud of his rearranging of the CD’s and that I was proud of his explanation of the process. I told him that I had been expecting him to say, “I dunno, I fuhgot”. I laughed, but he looked a tad embarrassed, as he realized that the scam was over for the rest of his life!

I then told him that I had just received a new “Jesus” CD from Joyce Meyer. I asked him if he had filed the CD already. His answer: ………. You guessed it …… “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Parenthood – gotta love it!!

But, to this day, several years later, if somebody in our family does not truly know the answer to a question, we respond with, yes, you guessed it again, "I dunno, I fuhgot"!!!!!


Paul W. Reeves

No More Squirt Guns! Pt.3

(Continued from June 5, 2010).... Take care of it? TAKE CARE OF IT?!?!? Well, can you imagine the amount of oil, gasoline, fire, and a few boxes of matches that the dad envisioned Robert throwing on the dispute? This fine 8-year-old, known for starting disputes, was going to end one? That was not his normal pattern of behavior (or so the parents told me!).

The dad asked Robert to repeat what he had just said. Robert said, “Don’t worry, dad. Just go back in your room and get dressed. I’ll take care of this”. With that, Robert continued down his path to the exploding bathroom. OH NO! Nothing about this sounded or looked good, as the loud arguing was still continuing between Kathy and Bill!

The dad told Robert to walk back to him. Robert, upon retreating to the dad, seemed to be holding his left arm (the arm away from the dad) in an awkward manner. The dad asked Robert what was wrong with his arm. Robert then revealed that he been carrying A FULLY LOADED RIFLE-STYLE SQUIRT GUN DOWN BY HIS SIDE, you know, the kind of toy that is JUST PERFECT for solving disputes as two people are fixing their hair before school!


Yes, ol’ Robert had planned to enter the bathroom, hose off his younger brother and older sister just moments before they had to leave the house for school and as they were fixing their hair, and CALM THEM DOWN?!?!?

Ah, yes, Robert must have concluded, a couple of gallons of gasoline should put out that fire! And, if it exploded into a larger fire? Well, 8-year-old Robert was counting on it for his enhanced morning entertainment!

While one can certainly give Robert credit for quickly designing a scheme that would produce his desired results in large quantities, one certainly had to question the overall wisdom of the plan. As you might have guessed, yes, his delay into the fray was caused by him having to go to the garage, get a squirt gun (the LARGE one, of course!), fill it with water, and scoot upstairs, all while trying to sneak past the parents! Ah yes, a carefully crafted plan that almost worked to perfection!

But, alas, the parents, who had previously purchased that squirt gun (and other squirt guns, as well) for use at the beach and in the backyard, quickly decided that perhaps their purchases were not the smartest transactions that they had ever made.

Before going to work, the dad confiscated Robert’s AK-47 (or at least it seemed like one!), as well as all of the squirt guns from the garage, and hid them in a place where no one could find them. In the future, they were only brought out for use at the beach and in the backyard upon mutual agreement by all parties. After each use, the dad locked them way.

Robert? Well, he eventually cooled off on his love of controversy involving other people and actually got along quite well with his older sister (in fact, he later came to rely on her for just about everything at school) and his younger brother (to this day, they continue to make music together and try to solve all of the world’s political issues!). As far as Kathy and Bill, they have never had another similar argument since that one exciting morning!

But, had Robert been successful with his method of “stopping” the dispute between Kathy and Bill with an early morning splash, it is possible that the resulting yelling matches would still be heard around the world today!

Yes, "NO MORE SQUIRT GUNS" quickly became the mantra and we, uh, I mean the parents, could not be happier!

So, how about you? Any near-disasters that turned out to be quite humorous? Let me know!


Paul W. Reeves

No More Squirt Guns! Pt.1

Sometimes families experience near horrendous incidents that, because they were averted, end up in laughter – not only for the moment, but also for several years thereafter!

Over the next three weeks, I want to share a story about three young, seemingly well-adjusted whippersnappers … oh, let’s call them Kathy (11), Robert (8), and Bill (5). Any resemblance to any children who might have lived in my house; currently live in my house; share DNA with me; or have any physical resemblance to me whatsoever, will be considered to be purely coincidental, irrespective of the actual and irrefutable facts of the case!

At any rate, during the early childhood years of the aforementioned whippersnappers, Kathy and Bill got along extremely well. To each other, the other could do no wrong. In fact, after a while, we, uh, I mean, their parents began to say that Kathy was a female version of Bill and Bill was a male version of Kathy. Despite the 6-year age difference, they bonded like they had been best friends for 50 years!

HOWEVER, Robert was on a slightly different mission in life. Apparently, he believed that his job was to engage Kathy and Bill in verbal disputes as often as possible, sending Kathy and/or Bill to their parents to lodge complaints. While Kathy and Bill went together like "water and water", Robert seemed to intentionally and gleefully provide the “oil” ingredient to each of them!

If we, uh, again, if their parents had a dollar for each time that Robert had sent Kathy or Bill over the deep end, they would be filthy rich today, with land holdings in over 70 countries and Swiss bank accounts in, well, I suppose that would be in Switzerland!

But, alas, the oil and water mixture did not pay off for any type of financial gain for the parents, but it certainly kept the parents hopping and sometimes entertained.


At any rate, on one glorious sunny school morning in April, as the whippersnappers were getting ready for school, Kathy and Bill decided to share a mirror to fix their hair. I, uh, I mean their dad, is not quite sure of the nature of the sequence of events that unfolded in front of the mirror, although it sounded (or so I am told!) like an “in my space” issue had developed between the two of them.

(Please come back next Saturday for Part 2)


Paul W. Reeves

Teen Drug Abuse - Part 2

(Continued from January 16, 2010) - ..... The findings in the report, 2009 Monitoring the Future, are based on data collected from 46,097 U.S. students in 8th, 10th and 12th grades at 389 public and private schools.

Just 1.2 percent of 12th graders said they had used methamphetamine in the past year -- the lowest percentage since 1999, according to the report. Also, fewer 10th graders said it was easy to obtain: 14 percent, down from 19.5 percent in 2004.

Smoking was reported at the lowest point in the survey's history among 8th, 10th and 12th graders. Among 8th graders, 2.7 percent said they smoked daily, down from 10.4 percent in 1996. In 1997, 24 percent of high school seniors said they smoked daily, whereas this year's report indicated an 11.2 percent smoking rate among 12th graders.

However, use of smokeless tobacco has risen to 6.5 percent of 10th graders, according to the report -- a rate that's higher than last year and the same as it was in 1999.
Compton said that another area of concern is the use of marijuana. Although there has been a trend toward less use since the mid-1990s, the decline has stopped and as many teens are using the drug today as five years ago.

The latest survey reported marijuana use at the same rates as last year: 32.8 percent of 12th graders, 26.7 percent of 10th graders and 11.8 percent of 8th graders.
Moreover, fewer teens indicated that they perceived marijuana use as harmful: 44.8 percent of 8th graders this year, compared with 48.1 percent last year and 57.9 percent in 1991, the survey found.

If you have a middle school child, please read that last paragraph again, as it states that only 44.8% of 8th graders believe that marijuana use is harmful. That means that 55.2% of the 8th graders do not believe that marijuana has any harmful effects! How could this be? How has it come to the point that over half of our 8th graders believe that marijuana use is O.K.?

Again, it goes back to peer pressure, kids feeling unloved, and drug use taking the place of good friends and actively involved parents. After all, no matter who lets the kids down, their old friend “marijuana” is always ready to comfort them. That, coupled with the fact that marijuana is readily accessible, provides a double-edged sword to drug use among teens!

Again, before it is too late, check out everything that your kids are doing, with whom they are doing it, and monitor their expected arrival times. It only takes one lapse in parental responsibility for a child to dive into the deep end of the drug use pool.

Are you scared or alarmed? Good, you need to be. Without question, after seeing literally hundreds of students and parents over the years in my office to discus this exact issue, drug use among our teens is at an all-time high, it’s getting worse, and our kids see no problem with it. Your time to be involved is now. Yes, they’ll think that you’re a pain in the neck, but at least they’ll be alive and healthy. Oh, and a good back rub can take care of that pain in the neck!

Hang in there! Just when we thought that parenting cold not get any tougher, well, it has. Stay involved and pay attention to everything that your child does. Together, we can defeat drug use among teens and especially with your child. It’s an uphill battle, but with the proper hours being logged, we can do it!

(Please come back next week for the 3rd and final part)


Paul W. Reeves

My Son Has Surpassed Me!

Way back in the dark ages when I was a young whippersnapper, I spent an inordinate amount of time playing, practicing, and trying to perfect my artistry on percussion instruments, particularly the drum set. Of course, since this was in the days before videos, the Internet, and file sharing, I had to make due with recordings on vinyl!

Yes, every time that I got a few bucks in my pocket I would travel to the local store that had discounted jazz records and I would stock up. To this day, recordings of Buddy Rich, Louis Bellson, Butch Miles, Tony Williams, along with several more, align my shelves with records that have been substantially worn!

Through all of my diligence, attention to detail, and hours of practice, others believed that I had become reasonably decent on the drums. Attempting to imitate my drumming hero, Buddy Rich, while also fitting in with the group, I did my best to be the best drummer that I could be.

I always held first chair in the percussion section from middle school through high school; I was able to attain the same position in college for our trip to China; and I spent several years playing drums with some of the better musicians in the Detroit area. In fact, my drumming provided the necessary funds for all of my college expenses, including tuition.

Now, fast-forwarding several years, my youngest son showed an interest in drums at a very early age. Even before he reached a year old, he would sing tunes as they were written and then he would embellish the melody with jazzy nuances. He would also produce various percussion sounds with syncopated rhythms.

Throughout his childhood, my drum set was always set up and he would often hit the tubs to work out various rhythms with all four appendages. I often provided informal instruction to him to provide a more regimented routine and to ensure that only good habits developed.

At some point, it was time to join the school band and, of course, he chose to play percussion. He quickly excelled and rose to the top of the 5th grade! He even performed a solo in front of 500 people after being in band for only 2 months!

With his growing interest in percussion, I began to give him formal lessons. While the lessons propelled him even further, it was quite obvious to me that another teacher could provide a better level of instruction for him.

We managed to contact a gentleman who is considered to be one of the best percussionists in the entire region (this particular teacher was getting ready to graduate from college as I was entering the same college hundreds of years ago!). His lessons with this gentleman propelled him even further into the world of excellence with his drumming, to the point that was able to accomplish things on the drums at age 15 that I had not yet mastered at my advanced age!

Recently, he performed a drum set solo at the talent show at his high school. As I watched the tape of his performance, I could not believe my eyes and ears. Not only had my son surpassed my professional level of drumming, he had surpassed it by so much, that his favorite dad will never be able to catch up!

His rhythms are perfectly executed, his musical ideas (dynamics, phrasing, etc.) are top-notch, his speed is amazing, and even his level of hot-doggedness is as good as any (not that I was ever a hot dog, of course!).

So, at the ripe old age of 15 years old, how did my own son greatly surpass me in the world of drumming, a world that I used to own in our family? Practice, diligence, training, attention to detail, a natural knack for the tubs, constant hearing of songs and rhythms in the home since birth, and, well, who knows what else?

What I do know is this: My son has attained a level of professionalism that is not frequently seen at age 15. Am I bragging? Well, not on purpose. Am I proud of his accomplishments? ABSOLUTELY!!

As a final humbling note, my son actually credits ME with his drumming prowess. No son, I helped to get you there, but you are the one who made it happen. Keep up the great work in everything that you do!

As a final note #2, guess which drum set my son uses for his live performances? Yes, the Buddy Rich drum set that my parents gave to me when I was ...... 15 years old!


Paul W. Reeves

Games - A Happy Ending!

I am reminded of an 8th grade student, named Tony. One day before school in the gymnasium, a student reported to me that Tony had picked up a smaller child named Steve and body slammed him to the hard gym floor. As the Principal, I should have immediately high-tailed it to the gym. But, considering the source of the report (it was from a less-than-reputable student) and the difficult-to-believe nature of the story, I intensively questioned the student for a few more seconds.

When I decided that there might be some credence to his story, (although I still imagined that it was just a rumor), I quickly went to the gym, whereupon I saw Steve on the floor, holding his neck. After we attended to Steve (fortunately, he was not severely injured), I asked Tony what had happened.

To my disbelief, he indicated that he had picked up Steve and body-slammed him to the gym floor. He had been practicing that move for a few weeks after he had studied it on one of his video games. He also noticed that the victim on the game always got right back up and continued fighting. He wanted to see if it happened that way in real life, too! Well, Tony, in real life – people don’t get right back up and sometimes they don’t get back up at all after being body-slammed to the gym floor!

Tony was not a fool or a child with severe learning disabilities. He was an above-average student who, under ordinary circumstances, would have never tried that move in real life. However, due to video game addiction, Tony’s judgment became clouded enough that he actually began to believe that a child in real life might react in similar fashion to a video game person after becoming a victim of violence. Yes, Tony actually believed that Steve would just hop right up!

Unfortunately, Tony’s parents (separated pending an upcoming divorce) were nothing like Ben’s parents (I wrote about Ben and his parents in a previous post) who had quickly interceded on their son’s behalf. No, Tony’s parents scolded him for hurting another child and then they let him continue with his video game playing despite numerous pleas from me. To the surprise of nobody, Tony was later often suspended from high school and he became a dropout at age sixteen. Does this scenario sound familiar amongst your child's circle of friends? I hope not, but it occurs more often than you might think.

The happy ending is that we gathered a team of experts, Psychologist, Social Worker, and a Clinical Counselor, as well as some of Tony’s friends, his parents and I, and we performed an intervention. We confronted Tony about his violent behavior and his path to destruction and his journey to “loser-dom”. After nearly an hour of people telling Tony how much they cared about him, Tough-Guy Tony broke down and cried and admitted that he did not know how to deal with people, including his friends, without getting violent.

After about 6 months of intensive therapy, Tony and his Therapist concluded that his addiction to the violence on the video games had clouded his judgment and, yes, Tony had come to believe that there was no difference between the violence in video games and the violence in real life. Ouch!

Fast forwarding a few years, Tony went back to high school and graduated before venturing off to college to become a ..... yes, a Therapist! Today, he maintains a successful practice which is geared toward helping children with addictions, including the ever-growing actions to video games! Finally, a happy ending to a troubled youth!


Paul W. Reeves

Rules and Limits

Parental rules and limits are made to be broken! Well, whether you agree with that thesis or not, your kids WILL attempt to break, tweak, or otherwise circumvent the limits and rules that you have established for them.

When a child willfully breaks a rule and gets caught, he/she will often attempt to place the onus of guilt on … YOU, as in “YOUR rules are too strict”; “YOU are ruining their lives”; “YOU just don’t understand kids today”; “WHY can’t YOU be cool like the other kids’ parents”? OUCH!!

It is often at those times in which self-guilt and questioning begins to enter the scenario. You might often ask yourself, “Am I too strict?”, “Am I hindering my child’s development?”, or “Is my child right – I’m just not in step with the other parents”? The answers are NO, NO and NO!

At some point in the past, during moments of calmness and devoid of emotional outbursts, the rules were established with love and care to protect your children. As long as you stick to your long-term plan toward helping your child grow into a responsible and successful adult, you will be just fine.

However, when parents change their rules and limits on the fly, while being led toward guilt their by children, the result is that usually the parents end up regretting the changing of their established rules/limits.

Of course, if a parent wishes to revisit his/her rules/limits during future moments of calmness, then go for it, as long as the parent is far removed from the emotions of the moment.

When my daughter was 12-years-old, she asked to go to a school dance. Long ago, it had been established that she would not be able to attend any school dances until the age of 13. Despite her pleadings and the usual attempts to guilt us into changing the rules/limits on the fly, we stuck to our guns and told her that the age for attending school dances is still 13 and to try again next year.

Of course, this brought forth some more pleadings and guilt attempts, but they were for naught, as the established limits/rules were not going to change. I am sure that her friends heard the horror stories about the terrible parents that my daughter had been given (of course, what she does not know, is that several parents called to thank me for the rule, as it allowed them to enforce the rule in their own homes!).

A year later, when she turned 13, she asked to go to her first school dance. She told me that the time of the dance was from 7:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. I didn’t like the idea of my 13-year-old daughter carousing until 10:00 p.m. on a Friday night, so I told her that she could stay until 9:00 p.m. She begged and pleaded to stay until 10:00 p.m. A long discussion ensued and, since 9:00 p.m. was not an established rule, I cut a deal: I would arrive by 9:00 p.m. She would need to come to the car no later than 9:00 p.m. I would then make a judgment about the final hour at that time.

Well, 9:00 p.m. came and went and no daughter. 9:05 p.m. came and went and no daughter. Finally, at about 9:10 p.m., my daughter made her grand appearance at the car!

I told my daughter to get in the car, as we would be going home. She began to cry, asked for mercy, and begged to stay until 10:00 p.m. I reminded her that she had failed to arrive by 9:00p.m. Since she did not follow the established rules/limits, the party was over for the evening.

Here was the crucial moment: Had I allowed her to stay at the dance after breaking a minor rule, I would have been inviting her to break more rules in the future, perhaps bigger and bigger rules, until her life could have spun out of control. I have seen this happen countless times throughout my career.

Although I felt bad that she had to leave the dance (I really did!!), I had to stick with the rules/limits, so that she would understand that rules/limits are to be taken seriously at all times.

So, despite my own self-imposed guilty feelings, as well as the guilty feelings that were imposed on me by my daughter, we headed home for the evening, armed with the knowledge that my daughter was safe and that she had (hopefully) learned a valuable lesson.

Was she ever late again for anything when a time limit was given? NO! Has she understood that established rules/limits have purpose and meaning? YES! Has she grown up to be a successful young lady with life, career, education plans and a strong work ethic? YES!

How about you? While I know that it is difficult to stick with established rules/limits in times of emotional outbursts, tell me about a time that you stuck to your guns!

As always, remember to take care of your kids 24/7, establish the rules/limits that will keep them safe, and stay with the rules/limits when under fire from your own kids (believe me – those times will come)!!


Paul W. Reeves

Slurpees From 7-11

For more years than I care to confess, long before I had children, I often stopped at 7-11 on the way home from work on Friday afternoons for a delicious Coke Slurpee. Ah, the ice-cold taste of the Coke Slurpee was quite relaxing, as it took the edge off of a busy week.

Starting when my daughter was about 9 months old, one of my enjoyable daily tasks was to pick her up on the way home from work. Even when she was quite young, I continued the Friday tradition of the Slurpee run before I picked her up. The Slurpee would not be finished before I arrived at the babysitter’s house, so I still had more to enjoy after I put her in the car.

As you might have guessed, as she got older, she began to get quite curious about dad’s Slurpee every Friday. Eventually, she asked for a taste, and just like her dad, she loved it!

After it became age-appropriate, my stops on Friday afternoons led me to purchase TWO Slurpee drinks, my usual one and one for my favorite daughter. We would then spend the entire ride home enjoying our Friday afternoon treats.

This Friday Slurpee tradition continued for a few years, even after my first son was born. Of course, he eventually became ensnared in the Slurpee game and I was soon purchasing THREE Slurpee drinks after work on every Friday afternoon.

As you might have guessed, after my 2nd son was born, I was soon purchasing FOUR Slurpee drinks every Friday. Is there any better way to end the work week and start the weekend than to enjoy a Slurpee with your kids?

Eventually, as my kids entered school and I no longer picked them up from the babysitter’s house, I stopped arriving with FOUR Slurpees. However, after we were home for a few hours, we often hopped in the car and traveled to … you guessed it, 7-11 for another round of Slurpees!!

Although the Slurpee brigade eventually tailed off as my kids got older, to this day we will often stop at a 7-11 while we are on our way to other places, just so that we can relive the memories that my kids can remember since their very early days. Additionally, sometimes while on my way home, I will call home and ask anybody if they want a Slurpee. Of course, the answers are always affirmative!!

So, what is the lesson as my kids and I continue to enjoy Slurpees? I believe that the answer can be found under the topic of Family Tradition. Kids like to relive childhood memories that were positive, consistent, and brought about some level of bonding with their parents.

It’s the same reason that many adults take vacations at the same destinations that they frequented when they were children; it’s the same reason that many folks feel good when they put on music that their parents played in the house when they were tots; and it’s the same reason that adults like to revisit their old neighborhoods, even after their parents have moved out.

Yes, positive childhood memories, whether it’s friends, family love, the neighborhood, or even Slurpees with dad, are great to live over and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a taste for a delicious Coke Slurpee!!

How about you? Do you have any memories or activities to share from when your kids were little - the types of memories that are fun to relive over and over again? Thank you!


Paul W. Reeves

BIG WORDS for Kids!!

Everybody says “Awwwwww” when they hear a child say such words as “mama” “dada”, “lookee”, “potty”, etc. Yes, while it is certainly cute to hear a little voice say those words, have you ever heard a little child speak with proper grammar, more adult-like English, and proper language inflections? When you hear a child speak like that, the “Awwwwww” becomes “WOW”!!!

Shortly before our first child was born, we decided that all of our upcoming kids would learn to speak properly from the beginning and that we would not allow “baby-like” and “cute” substitutes for words that they would have to discard later upon entering elementary school. After all, what is the point of teaching words that can never be used again after a few years? Why not teach the words that kids will actually use when they get older – all the way into adulthood?

So, when my daughter was born, we continually used “grown-up” language around her. We encouraged her to learn to speak properly when addressing others.

After she became quite conversant with everybody (she could hold complete conversations with adults without utilizing “baby-talk”), I decided that it was time to exponentially expand her vocabulary. Note to wives: This is one lesson as to why you should never leave your husbands alone with the kids!!!!!

At any rate, one day when my daughter and I were alone, I started using BIG WORDS to describe various aspects of life around the house. Of course, she asked me for the meaning of the words, we practiced them, and she began to properly use them in sentences.

One of the first words that we used was “Plethora” (Definition: An excessive amount or number; an abundance). I started talking about the plethora of newspapers in the rack, the plethora of leaves on the trees in the backyard, the plethora of ice cubes that were in the freezer, etc.

My daughter, never one to miss a chance to expand her vocabulary (she was a ham from the beginning!), started going around the house pointing out where a plethora of something either did or did not exist. For example, she said, “There is a plethora of ties in your closet, dad” or “There is not a plethora of trash in the garage”. Very early in the lesson on the word, she had clearly gained an understanding of the use of the word “Plethora”.

These types of informal conversations/lessons continued on an almost daily basis. Again, when speaking to adults, our 18-month-old sounded like she fit right in with her complete sentences, proper grammar, proper use of the language, and, yes, using BIG WORDS that somebody-who-shall-remain-nameless had taught to her!

One day, while attending an extended-family birthday party in the presence of nearly 20 adults, my daughter loudly and gleefully announced, “There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table”.

Before that moment, I never believed that it was possible for an entire room of adult conversations to instantly come to a close; have all heads turn in one person’s direction; and then have a few folks say things such as, “WOW, did you hear that?”, “She just said, ‘There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table’”, and “Where did she learn that word?”.

Then somebody, not quite believing what he had just heard, asked my daughter, “What does that word mean”. My daughter, the ham, proudly announced, “It means an overwhelming amount”. The silent room became even more silent!! My daughter beamed from ear-to-ear at her obviously impressive performance and, of course, it encouraged her to learn tons more BIG WORDS in the future.

Today, she and my two sons regularly engage in chatter that is filled with BIG WORDS, proper grammar, and proper use of the English language, as they converse with their friends, teachers, and family members.

Yes, teaching toddlers BIG WORDS might seem to be a little bit pompous. However, it instilled in my kids the notion that words do matter and, when they speak properly with some BIG WORDS, people listen more carefully and with greater attentiveness, as the more intelligent conversation level opens more doors with more people.

Now, can my kids still converse like kids? Oh, yes, they can! How about this for a sample, “Yeah, I know dude, that is really cool, I mean like, you know, it is awesome”. Yes, those types of sentences make dads cringe, but at least they’ve learned to fit in with their peers when they see it as a necessity!

So, yes, teach your kids the BIG WORDS, proper English, proper grammar, don’t accept anything less, and they’ll grow up to be smart, but they’ll still talk like a kid when the need arises!!

Have a remarkably stupendous, phenomenal, overwhelming, breathtaking, and colossal time with your kids!! And, oh yes, be sure to spend a plethora of time with them!!


Paul W. Reeves

Is The Light Green?

One of the great joys of my life was picking up my kids after work! No matter what happened during the day, good and bad, everything was quickly forgotten when I saw my kids’ faces!!

When my daughter was about 18 months old (our only child at that time), I would often play the following game with her: When I stopped at a red traffic light, I would tell her that I was going to grab a quick nap and that I wanted her to pay close attention to the red light and let me know when it turned green.

Of course, I wasn’t really sleeping. Rather, it was my way of teaching her about traffic lights and responsibility. After all, if she didn’t tell me when the light turned green, it’s possible that I would continue to “sleep” and not drive home!!

So, without fail, I would pretend to sleep, with my left eye partially opened to see the light, while she stared intensively at the red light waiting for it to turn green. And, also without fail, she quickly alerted me to the fact that the light had turned green. As a part of the slapstick routine, I quickly acted as though I had been instantly awakened from a very deep sleep! I always began to drive while profusely thanking her for all of her help, thereby reaffirming her alertness, sense of responsibility, and her ability to read the lights!

This little routine carried on for several months. One time, however, the light turned green and she did not tell me!!!! Well, since I was looking at the light with my partially opened left eye, I pretended to wake up at that exact moment and I said something to the effect that the light had turned green. With that little announcement, I began to drive home.

I asked her why she had not alerted me to the green light. She told me that she was just about to tell me that it had turned green, but that I had awakened before she had been able to do so. She had a confirming and knowing smirk on her face!! O.K., was she really about to tell me or was it a sign that she was on to the game? Hmmmmmm!!

The next day, after picking her up and making the drive home, we stopped at a red light. Almost upon cue, I told her that I was going to take a nap and that she needed to let me know when the light turned green. I partially kept my left eye opened to see the light and I partially kept my right eye opened to see her!! Guess what I saw???????? A cute little 23-month-old girl STARING AT ME – NOT THE LIGHT!!!!!!!

Yes, she had caught on to my little scam. Her dad had never been sleeping at the light – he had been tricking his favorite daughter the whole time!! Of course, to keep the scam alive as long as possible, I kept pretending to sleep each time over the next few months. Each time, I noted that she was staring at me and not the light. I would always have to instantly “awaken” when the light turned green and then continue driving!!! Before the age of 2-years-old, she had managed to take control of the scam!!

At some point, probably when she was about 30 months old, I finally asked her why she was always staring at me and not the light. She asked me how I knew that she was staring at me when I was sleeping!! Yikes!! I had to confess that I had never actually been sleeping at the red lights. Rather, I was just training her to watch for the lights and to learn how to help others.

She then confessed that she had known that all along. She further told me that it had not made any sense that her dad would engage in such a dangerous practice on the road. So, early on, she began to check me out and she discovered that I had not actually been sleeping. But, trying to be a dutiful daughter, she decided to continue the game as along as I was willing to play it!!

So, are your kids watching you? Oh yes, they are watching you all of the time!! Do your kids know when you’re scamming them? Oh yes, they do!!

Lesson learned? – Always be honest with your kids, behave in a responsible manner in which they can always be proud, and, oh yes, play the occasional scam game with them, as it will let them know that you’re capable of having fun while trying to teach them lessons that they will learn and keep forever!!

Also, the occasional fun scam game allows for great conversation in later years with your kids! And, yes, I just know that my daughter is going to play this same scam game with her kids someday!!!!!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (2)

(Continued from August 1, 2009) ........ As I continued to question Jennifer, I learned that her dad was frequently out of town on business and her mother, whom she loved very much, was often gone attending community functions. As a result, Jennifer was often alone in her house. Since she could not have friends over when her parents were gone and since she was not allowed to use the telephone during the same periods (after all, her dad might call in at any moment – fortunately, he did regularly check-in with the family!), she turned to other sources of pleasure.

Yes, she turned to the world of inhalants, particularly spray paint and hair spray. Again, her acting out in class was a call for attention, not only for direct and loving attention and interaction, but a call for help to deliver her from the inhalants.

We managed to get Jennifer away from the inhalants, her mother began to stay home more, and her dad got a new job that kept him home on most nights. Interestingly, Jennifer’s “hilarious” behavior became calmer. She was happier, but not as funny to the rest of the world. Yes, a less funny/non-inhalant Jennifer was better than her former self! And, oh yes, the teachers stopped worrying when their backs were turned to the blackboards!

I suppose that we lost a future stand-up comedian, but we gained an intelligent young lady who is now destined to be successful in her life!!

As I have often said, they are your kids. As such, please, please, PLEASE do not allow them to grow up alone without your direct and daily guidance and influence. Their "stimulants" should be YOU and not other sources, i.e., drugs, inhalants, alcohol, and other vices that will serve to bring about colossal damage.

Yes, life can be really busy and important, but nothing is more important than you children! Spend the necessary time with them and help to guide them into (and sometimes through) adulthood!

Hang in there and continue your great work with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (1)

Jennifer was one of the funniest middle school kids that I had ever met. She had a quick wit with kids and adults. In fact, her sense of humor was more in line with adults than with other kids. For a brief period, I truly believed that she was going to grow up to be a stand-up comedian. She seemed to have all of the tools!

However, she also seemed to engage in somewhat daring behaviors that concerned all of her teachers and me. For laughs, Jennifer was the student who would sneak out of a teacher’s room to get a drink of water and then sneak back in without getting caught. Jennifer was also the student who would shoot a rubber band at the chalkboard, narrowly missing the teacher each time. She was also the student who let a mouse loose in the middle of a math exam. Jennifer regularly engaged in several of these daring behaviors, all of which seemed to be on the edge of danger!

None of her teachers ever suspected that Jennifer was the culprit. After all, she was so darned funny with a quick wit and fun-loving personality, that she was never considered to be a suspect in any shenanigans …….. until one day when I walked into her English class just in time to see her throw a marble at a teacher’s file cabinet while the teacher’s back was turned. The noise, of course, stunned the teacher. The other kids in the class, as I would later discover, were used to this “hilarious” behavior from Jennifer.

Although I was on my way to a meeting, I called Jennifer to the hallway. I began by chastising her for throwing the marble at the teacher’s file cabinet. I then continued to admonish her, as I told her that I had expected more from her. I told her that I could not believe that one of the best students in the school had just thrown a marble in the classroom and that, as her Principal, I was horrified that she could commit such a grievous act. Well, within seconds, Jennifer began to cry. At first I thought that she was crying because she, a perfect student in most eyes, had committed an act that would probably get her suspended from school. However, after she and I went to my office, she began to unload the true reasons for her crying.

Jennifer then shared all of her less-than-perfect acts over the past several months, including regularly throwing items in class, sneaking out of classes, and letting mice loose in classes! Jennifer told me that she was extremely unhappy, but she did not know why. This girl, who was the funniest kid in the school, who would made adults laugh and then repeat her hilarious stories in the teachers' lounge, who seemed to have more friends than any 10 kids put together, was miserable inside. Her acts were her subconscious way of screaming for help!

Come back next week for the conclusion. Thank you!


Paul W. Reeves

Depression-Causes(2)

(Continued from July 18, 2009) ....... Continuing with last week's article - based upon the research by Dr. Kathie F. Nunley:

"There is a negative correlation between depression and athletic participation. Although adolescents that participate in athletics do not show a decrease in drug use, they do exhibit significantly less depression and suicidal tendencies (Oler, 1994)."

Yes, it is true, the best-adjusted kids are those who stay occupied, believe that their activities have purpose, engage in the activities of their choice, and feel as though they are part of a larger cause, such as an athletic team. Band, choir, debate, chess club, reading club, etc. also serve the same purpose.

"Another factor associated with adolescent depression and negative behaviors is difficulty in establishing autonomy in the adolescent's relationship with parents. Adolescent depression is seen in higher frequency in families where the children have difficulty establishing their own identity because of negative communication patterns and other dysfunctional family attributes (Allen, et. al., 1994)." In other words, if the parents are psychologically messed up and have refused treatment or assistance, the kids are more likely to be messed up, as well.

One topic that permeates the research on depression is the concept of self- esteem. There has been a long standing correlation between low self-esteem and depression. The views on self-esteem are changing more rapidly than even the views on depression. The traditional thinking with self-esteem was if one could improve the way an individual perceived himself or herself, then the secondary behaviors that accompany low self-esteem would disappear (New model, 1995). This traditional philosophy is taking a new direction."

Ah yes, if we feel good about ourselves, as well as our relationships and contributions to society, depression is lessened!

So, the secrets are as follows:

a) Pay attention to your kids and let them know that you care

b) Have an after-school/evening/weekend caregiver who cares about their development as a human being (mom, dad, grandparents, good family friend, etc.) and stay away from latch-key programs on a full-time basis

c) Find your child's interests and get him/her involved with programs that are tied to those interests (Music, Sports, Academics, etc.) and allow your children to have the time to excel and be involved with those interests

d) Get help for parents (yourself or your spouse) if one or both suffer from Depression

e) Set-up an appointment with a therapist for your child if genetic Depression exists in your family.

Kids were born to be loved and taken care of by their parents, not by the rest of the world. I know that it can be trying and I know that time and money can be short, but, believe me, after having seen hundreds of cases in which parents did not follow the 5 aforementioned steps, the dividends that you will receive from spending time with your kids (such as getting them involved in activities and addressing Depression - especially when it is along genetic lines) will far outweigh any financial gain that you will receive in your lifetime!

Hang in there and love your kids with everything that you have!!


Paul W. Reeves

Depression-Causes(1)

According to Nunley, “Causes of depression number almost as high as symptoms of depression. There appears to be a genetic factor to depression. Families with a history of depression often exhibit the symptoms during adolescence (Fritz, 1995). And depressed children frequently come from parents who have been depressed. Besides genetic predispositions to depression, social skills deficits may also contribute. These social skills deficits are harder to determine as it is difficult to find whether the inability to form good social skills causes, or results from the depression (Lamarine, 1995). Sexual orientation adjustment problems have also been linked to depression, especially in communities with strong social pressures. A study in currently underway with the Utah Department of Health to study the link between homosexuality and adolescent suicide (Wagner, 1996).”

One of the greatest points of the above paragraph is the reference to genetic depression. Over the years, when I have encountered a child who appears to be depressed, I have arranged for the mother and father (if possible) to meet with me. Invariably, one of the parents exhibits symptoms of depression or admits to being on medication or in counseling for depression.

Also, in more situations that I care to admit, the depressed parent, the one who has suffered with depression for years since his/her own childhood, has made the decision to wait and see if the depression goes away by itself!!!! Well, would a parent wait and see if a genetic heart condition went away away? Would a parent wait and see if genetic lung trouble went away by itself?

Of course not! Along those same lines, when depression is genetic and your child displays some of the same characteristics, get him/her in to see a Counselor as soon as possible, so that negative effects of depression are not given the opportunity to compound over the years.

Continuing with Nunley's research, "Coincidently, the peak age of depression and low self-esteem coincides with the transition from elementary to junior high school. This age may have an inability to deal with the new social demands as well as academic demands of a new school (Feldman & Elliot, 1990; Eccles, et. al., 1993).

There appears a relationship between latch-key kids and depression. Unsupervised adolescents are more prone to substance abuse, risk-taking, depression, and low self esteem (Richardson, et. al., 1993). One of the factors that correlates with recurring depression is a negative relationship between adolescents and their fathers along with an inability of the mothers to monitor behavior (Sanford, 1996)."

I could not have said it better myself! When kids enter the middle school environment, they subconsciously realize that they have left the “safe world” of their elementary schools, an environment which had kept them safe since the age of 4 or 5. Many kids thrive when released from the constraints of an elementary environment, while others shudder at the fear of being given more freedom and responsibility.

Additionally, and this might hurt a little bit, unsupervised kids are almost always more prone to negative behaviors, as the belief begins to set in with kids that nobody cares about them. It might be difficult in these troubling fiscal times, but it must be a priority for kids to be supervised by somebody who cares about them! The preferred after-school caretaker is a mother or father, with other relatives or close family friends taking the role as secondary choices.

HOWEVER, while latch-key programs can fulfill an excellent role as caregivers on a part-time bases (once or twice a week), to hand over full-time caregiving to a group of folks who are simply doing it for a paycheck and who don’t necessarily care about the overall development of your child and who most likely won’t be around when your child gets older, well, you’re just asking for your child to get involved with negative and socially unacceptable behaviors, including drinking, drugs, sex, and, of course, it provides ripe soil in which depression can thrive.

Come back next Saturday for the rest of this article - looking for signs of Depression and getting the help that your kids need. Hang in there!


Paul W. Reeves

Adolescent Depression?

According to a report released by Dr. Kathie F. Nunley, “Major depression affects one in fifty school children. Countless others are affected by milder cases of depression which may also affect school performance (Lamarine, 1995). The peak age of depression correlates with the peak years of low self-esteem. Feldman & Elliot (1990) write that the prime period for low self-esteem is early and middle adolescence with a peak period between the ages of thirteen and fourteen.”

Yes, the middle school years are rampant with low self-esteem. As children see and feel their bodies changing and their hormones raging out of control, they begin to feel inferior when compared with others. It is also the prime age range in which children believe that everybody is watching their every move!

“One of the factors that makes depression so difficult to diagnose in adolescents is the common behavior changes that are normally associated with the hormonal changes of this period (Lamarine, 1995). It has only been in recent years that the medical community has acknowledged childhood depression and viewed it as a condition which requires intervention.”

As adolescents can often be “moody” week-to-week-, day-to-day, and even seemingly minute-to-minute, the diagnosis of depression can often be overlooked, as many experts simply chalk up unusual adolescent behavior to the fact that the child is …. well, .. an adolescent!

“Historically, children were not considered candidates for depression (Whitley, 1996). Mostly because of Freudian notions about the unconscious, depression had been viewed as a condition which only affected adults. Today, childhood depression is widely recognized and health professionals see depression as a serious condition affecting both adolescents and young children (Whitley, 1996; Lamarine, 1995).

Fritz (1995), writes that depression may often be seen in physical ailments such as digestive problems, sleep disorders, or persistent boredom. Lamarine (1995), considers that in children, depression may often be mistaken for other conditions such as attention deficit disorder, aggressiveness, physical illness, sleep and eating disorders and hyperactivity.”

And that is one of the biggest missed points of all – some students suffer from Depression, yet their parents, educators, and even medical personnel misread or improperly diagnose the child’s issues as ADD, ADHD, and other ailments. Of course, with an improper diagnosis comes improper treatment. While the improperly prescribed treatment might not harm the child, the true issue at hand, Depression, is not being addressed by anybody.

Coming the next two weeks - Symptoms of Depression and Low Self-Esteem. Hang in there – we’ll get you through the years of child-raising in great shape!


Paul W. Reeves

TV - What Is Viewed?

Based upon the research that I discussed last week, I think that we can agree that parents need to monitor the TV programs that are being watched by our children. In order to protect our kids, answer the following questions:

WHY DO YOU HAVE CABLE/SATELLITE TV?
a) Is it because the commercial reception in your home is poor?

b) Is it because you are an avid sports fan and you just have to have ESPN and other such channels?

c) Are you a fan of old movies who enjoys watching AMC?

d) Do you feel that you need to watch the History Channel, or FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, etc.?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then continue on with your Cable/Satellite TV boxes at home. However, you need to remember that your cable box is also filled with MTV, VH-1, E!, BET, and other channels that regularly feature graphic SEX messages, images, and conversations. Based upon informal research, numerous conversations with parents, and practical thinking, my Cable/Satellite TV suggestions are as follows:

1) Get a box that allows you to control the channels that enter your home and then don’t allow any channel that regularly or even occasionally sends the SEX message into your home. These channels not only include MTV, VH-1, BET, E!, but also the pay channels, including HBO, Showtime, Playboy (hopefully, you had already thought to not have that last one in your home with children!), etc. Also, carefully monitor the shows on the other stations as well, as some of them often contain SEX talk and scenes on an intermittent basis.

I try to never allow my kids to watch a show alone or without my prior knowledge on its content. While this might seem to be a bit cumbersome, these are my kids and I will do anything to prevent them from getting the addictive SEX message. As I indicated before, once your kids get the addictive SEX message embedded into their brains, it can do significant damage to their lives, including, but not limited to problems with their family, homework, friends, and relationships with the opposite sex.

OR

2) Do not allow Cable/Satellite TV to come in to your home at all! After all, did you have Cable/Satellite TV when you were a kid? As you are the age of a middle school parent, I am sure that the answer is no (Cable TV didn’t get really big until the early to mid 1980’s). Did you feel deprived? Were you less of a person because you did not have Cable/Satellite TV? Of course, the answer to both questions is also “no”. Clearly, Cable/Satellite TV is not tied to the success of a person, professionally, personally, or parentally! Therefore, if you are unable to lock the SEX-related channels, or if you are unable to monitor your child’s TV viewing, GET RID OF THE CABLE/SATELLITE TV!! Your kids will be infinitely better off and they won’t suffer a from a deprivation malady later in life!

By getting rid of the Cable/Satellite TV in your home, you will be allowing your kids the freedom to get more exercise, spend more time with friends and developing relationships, and you will be taking a giant step toward preventing your children from developing SEX addiction that is permeating the youth of our society.

Yes, let's monitor what our kids watch on TV and keep them safe!


Paul W. Reeves