"I Dunno - I Fuhgot"

Our oldest two children had progressed rather nicely in the development of verbal, reasoning, and communication skills. Since our house was always in some state of communication, it seemed natural for them to develop those skills at an early age.

However, during the ages of 2 and 3 years old, our 3rd and youngest child seemed to not be developing the same skills at anywhere near the expected rate of our home or the expected rate of normal childhood development. Anytime that we asked him for an explanation on anything (such as, “Why are your toys in the middle of the floor?”, “Where is your blanket?, or “Why didn’t you tell us?”), we were always met with the following response, “I dunno, I fuhgot” (Translation: “I don’t know, I forgot”)

Well, to say the least, we were a little concerned about his seeming lack of development with his verbal and expressive skills. In our family, all of us spoke in clear and expository terms when discussing a multitude of issues. As such, he had plenty of exposure to the proper examples of communication. Yet, we continued to be hit with a barrage of “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!

We actually discussed the possibility of his sandbagging or scamming us on the issues, but, at the same time, we couldn’t believe that a 2/3-year-old could actually scam his parents on a regular basis. The look in his eyes seemed to indicate intelligence, but his lack of ability to verbally express his thoughts was of great concern.

So, was it really a case of “I dunno, I fuhgot” or were we dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER? We discussed this issue on a regular basis and we talked about the possibility of getting assistance with his oral language.

Near the end of his 3rd year of life, however, we received our answer to the “Dunno/Scammer” issue. I had a series of audio CD’s from various ministers, including Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, James Dobson, etc., all neatly arranged on shelves according to the presenter. One day, I noticed that the CD’s had become substantially discombobulated on the shelf, as the ministers’ CD’s were all mixed up! How could this happen? I asked my two older children and they indicated that they knew nothing of the mix up.

I then asked my youngest child, expecting the usual, “I dunno, I fuhgot” response. His actual response stopped me in my tracks – I then picked myself off of the floor, got a cold drink of water, retrieved a tape recorder, and asked him to answer the question again about the mix up of the CD’s.

His verbatim response is as follows: “Well, I noticed that Joyce Meyer, Ed Young, John Hagee, and Focus on the Family all had messages on the topic of “Love”, so I rearranged the CD’s to put all of the “Love” messages together. I then did the same for “Money” messages, “Jesus” messages, “Conflict messages”, “Healing” messages, “Delivering” messages, “Attitude” messages and so on and so forth. You see, dad, by arranging the CD’s in this manner, you can easily find all of the CD’s on “Love”, for example, instead of searching through each minister’s collection and then possibly even missing one. This way, they’re all together! This is my small way of helping the family. So, why don’t we listen to a Jesus message together right now? We have 7 to choose from. Which one is your favorite, dad?”

Well, alrighty then - the hours, weeks, months, even years of concern that our youngest child was not developing the necessary oral skills were all for naught, as we were dealing with a CHILDHOOD SCAMMER the whole time!!

I then told him that I was very proud of his rearranging of the CD’s and that I was proud of his explanation of the process. I told him that I had been expecting him to say, “I dunno, I fuhgot”. I laughed, but he looked a tad embarrassed, as he realized that the scam was over for the rest of his life!

I then told him that I had just received a new “Jesus” CD from Joyce Meyer. I asked him if he had filed the CD already. His answer: ………. You guessed it …… “I dunno, I fuhgot”!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Parenthood – gotta love it!!

But, to this day, several years later, if somebody in our family does not truly know the answer to a question, we respond with, yes, you guessed it again, "I dunno, I fuhgot"!!!!!


Paul W. Reeves

BIG WORDS for Kids!!

Everybody says “Awwwwww” when they hear a child say such words as “mama” “dada”, “lookee”, “potty”, etc. Yes, while it is certainly cute to hear a little voice say those words, have you ever heard a little child speak with proper grammar, more adult-like English, and proper language inflections? When you hear a child speak like that, the “Awwwwww” becomes “WOW”!!!

Shortly before our first child was born, we decided that all of our upcoming kids would learn to speak properly from the beginning and that we would not allow “baby-like” and “cute” substitutes for words that they would have to discard later upon entering elementary school. After all, what is the point of teaching words that can never be used again after a few years? Why not teach the words that kids will actually use when they get older – all the way into adulthood?

So, when my daughter was born, we continually used “grown-up” language around her. We encouraged her to learn to speak properly when addressing others.

After she became quite conversant with everybody (she could hold complete conversations with adults without utilizing “baby-talk”), I decided that it was time to exponentially expand her vocabulary. Note to wives: This is one lesson as to why you should never leave your husbands alone with the kids!!!!!

At any rate, one day when my daughter and I were alone, I started using BIG WORDS to describe various aspects of life around the house. Of course, she asked me for the meaning of the words, we practiced them, and she began to properly use them in sentences.

One of the first words that we used was “Plethora” (Definition: An excessive amount or number; an abundance). I started talking about the plethora of newspapers in the rack, the plethora of leaves on the trees in the backyard, the plethora of ice cubes that were in the freezer, etc.

My daughter, never one to miss a chance to expand her vocabulary (she was a ham from the beginning!), started going around the house pointing out where a plethora of something either did or did not exist. For example, she said, “There is a plethora of ties in your closet, dad” or “There is not a plethora of trash in the garage”. Very early in the lesson on the word, she had clearly gained an understanding of the use of the word “Plethora”.

These types of informal conversations/lessons continued on an almost daily basis. Again, when speaking to adults, our 18-month-old sounded like she fit right in with her complete sentences, proper grammar, proper use of the language, and, yes, using BIG WORDS that somebody-who-shall-remain-nameless had taught to her!

One day, while attending an extended-family birthday party in the presence of nearly 20 adults, my daughter loudly and gleefully announced, “There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table”.

Before that moment, I never believed that it was possible for an entire room of adult conversations to instantly come to a close; have all heads turn in one person’s direction; and then have a few folks say things such as, “WOW, did you hear that?”, “She just said, ‘There is a plethora of birthday gifts on the table’”, and “Where did she learn that word?”.

Then somebody, not quite believing what he had just heard, asked my daughter, “What does that word mean”. My daughter, the ham, proudly announced, “It means an overwhelming amount”. The silent room became even more silent!! My daughter beamed from ear-to-ear at her obviously impressive performance and, of course, it encouraged her to learn tons more BIG WORDS in the future.

Today, she and my two sons regularly engage in chatter that is filled with BIG WORDS, proper grammar, and proper use of the English language, as they converse with their friends, teachers, and family members.

Yes, teaching toddlers BIG WORDS might seem to be a little bit pompous. However, it instilled in my kids the notion that words do matter and, when they speak properly with some BIG WORDS, people listen more carefully and with greater attentiveness, as the more intelligent conversation level opens more doors with more people.

Now, can my kids still converse like kids? Oh, yes, they can! How about this for a sample, “Yeah, I know dude, that is really cool, I mean like, you know, it is awesome”. Yes, those types of sentences make dads cringe, but at least they’ve learned to fit in with their peers when they see it as a necessity!

So, yes, teach your kids the BIG WORDS, proper English, proper grammar, don’t accept anything less, and they’ll grow up to be smart, but they’ll still talk like a kid when the need arises!!

Have a remarkably stupendous, phenomenal, overwhelming, breathtaking, and colossal time with your kids!! And, oh yes, be sure to spend a plethora of time with them!!


Paul W. Reeves

Is The Light Green?

One of the great joys of my life was picking up my kids after work! No matter what happened during the day, good and bad, everything was quickly forgotten when I saw my kids’ faces!!

When my daughter was about 18 months old (our only child at that time), I would often play the following game with her: When I stopped at a red traffic light, I would tell her that I was going to grab a quick nap and that I wanted her to pay close attention to the red light and let me know when it turned green.

Of course, I wasn’t really sleeping. Rather, it was my way of teaching her about traffic lights and responsibility. After all, if she didn’t tell me when the light turned green, it’s possible that I would continue to “sleep” and not drive home!!

So, without fail, I would pretend to sleep, with my left eye partially opened to see the light, while she stared intensively at the red light waiting for it to turn green. And, also without fail, she quickly alerted me to the fact that the light had turned green. As a part of the slapstick routine, I quickly acted as though I had been instantly awakened from a very deep sleep! I always began to drive while profusely thanking her for all of her help, thereby reaffirming her alertness, sense of responsibility, and her ability to read the lights!

This little routine carried on for several months. One time, however, the light turned green and she did not tell me!!!! Well, since I was looking at the light with my partially opened left eye, I pretended to wake up at that exact moment and I said something to the effect that the light had turned green. With that little announcement, I began to drive home.

I asked her why she had not alerted me to the green light. She told me that she was just about to tell me that it had turned green, but that I had awakened before she had been able to do so. She had a confirming and knowing smirk on her face!! O.K., was she really about to tell me or was it a sign that she was on to the game? Hmmmmmm!!

The next day, after picking her up and making the drive home, we stopped at a red light. Almost upon cue, I told her that I was going to take a nap and that she needed to let me know when the light turned green. I partially kept my left eye opened to see the light and I partially kept my right eye opened to see her!! Guess what I saw???????? A cute little 23-month-old girl STARING AT ME – NOT THE LIGHT!!!!!!!

Yes, she had caught on to my little scam. Her dad had never been sleeping at the light – he had been tricking his favorite daughter the whole time!! Of course, to keep the scam alive as long as possible, I kept pretending to sleep each time over the next few months. Each time, I noted that she was staring at me and not the light. I would always have to instantly “awaken” when the light turned green and then continue driving!!! Before the age of 2-years-old, she had managed to take control of the scam!!

At some point, probably when she was about 30 months old, I finally asked her why she was always staring at me and not the light. She asked me how I knew that she was staring at me when I was sleeping!! Yikes!! I had to confess that I had never actually been sleeping at the red lights. Rather, I was just training her to watch for the lights and to learn how to help others.

She then confessed that she had known that all along. She further told me that it had not made any sense that her dad would engage in such a dangerous practice on the road. So, early on, she began to check me out and she discovered that I had not actually been sleeping. But, trying to be a dutiful daughter, she decided to continue the game as along as I was willing to play it!!

So, are your kids watching you? Oh yes, they are watching you all of the time!! Do your kids know when you’re scamming them? Oh yes, they do!!

Lesson learned? – Always be honest with your kids, behave in a responsible manner in which they can always be proud, and, oh yes, play the occasional scam game with them, as it will let them know that you’re capable of having fun while trying to teach them lessons that they will learn and keep forever!!

Also, the occasional fun scam game allows for great conversation in later years with your kids! And, yes, I just know that my daughter is going to play this same scam game with her kids someday!!!!!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (2)

(Continued from August 1, 2009) ........ As I continued to question Jennifer, I learned that her dad was frequently out of town on business and her mother, whom she loved very much, was often gone attending community functions. As a result, Jennifer was often alone in her house. Since she could not have friends over when her parents were gone and since she was not allowed to use the telephone during the same periods (after all, her dad might call in at any moment – fortunately, he did regularly check-in with the family!), she turned to other sources of pleasure.

Yes, she turned to the world of inhalants, particularly spray paint and hair spray. Again, her acting out in class was a call for attention, not only for direct and loving attention and interaction, but a call for help to deliver her from the inhalants.

We managed to get Jennifer away from the inhalants, her mother began to stay home more, and her dad got a new job that kept him home on most nights. Interestingly, Jennifer’s “hilarious” behavior became calmer. She was happier, but not as funny to the rest of the world. Yes, a less funny/non-inhalant Jennifer was better than her former self! And, oh yes, the teachers stopped worrying when their backs were turned to the blackboards!

I suppose that we lost a future stand-up comedian, but we gained an intelligent young lady who is now destined to be successful in her life!!

As I have often said, they are your kids. As such, please, please, PLEASE do not allow them to grow up alone without your direct and daily guidance and influence. Their "stimulants" should be YOU and not other sources, i.e., drugs, inhalants, alcohol, and other vices that will serve to bring about colossal damage.

Yes, life can be really busy and important, but nothing is more important than you children! Spend the necessary time with them and help to guide them into (and sometimes through) adulthood!

Hang in there and continue your great work with your kids!!


Paul W. Reeves

Jennifer's Story (1)

Jennifer was one of the funniest middle school kids that I had ever met. She had a quick wit with kids and adults. In fact, her sense of humor was more in line with adults than with other kids. For a brief period, I truly believed that she was going to grow up to be a stand-up comedian. She seemed to have all of the tools!

However, she also seemed to engage in somewhat daring behaviors that concerned all of her teachers and me. For laughs, Jennifer was the student who would sneak out of a teacher’s room to get a drink of water and then sneak back in without getting caught. Jennifer was also the student who would shoot a rubber band at the chalkboard, narrowly missing the teacher each time. She was also the student who let a mouse loose in the middle of a math exam. Jennifer regularly engaged in several of these daring behaviors, all of which seemed to be on the edge of danger!

None of her teachers ever suspected that Jennifer was the culprit. After all, she was so darned funny with a quick wit and fun-loving personality, that she was never considered to be a suspect in any shenanigans …….. until one day when I walked into her English class just in time to see her throw a marble at a teacher’s file cabinet while the teacher’s back was turned. The noise, of course, stunned the teacher. The other kids in the class, as I would later discover, were used to this “hilarious” behavior from Jennifer.

Although I was on my way to a meeting, I called Jennifer to the hallway. I began by chastising her for throwing the marble at the teacher’s file cabinet. I then continued to admonish her, as I told her that I had expected more from her. I told her that I could not believe that one of the best students in the school had just thrown a marble in the classroom and that, as her Principal, I was horrified that she could commit such a grievous act. Well, within seconds, Jennifer began to cry. At first I thought that she was crying because she, a perfect student in most eyes, had committed an act that would probably get her suspended from school. However, after she and I went to my office, she began to unload the true reasons for her crying.

Jennifer then shared all of her less-than-perfect acts over the past several months, including regularly throwing items in class, sneaking out of classes, and letting mice loose in classes! Jennifer told me that she was extremely unhappy, but she did not know why. This girl, who was the funniest kid in the school, who would made adults laugh and then repeat her hilarious stories in the teachers' lounge, who seemed to have more friends than any 10 kids put together, was miserable inside. Her acts were her subconscious way of screaming for help!

Come back next week for the conclusion. Thank you!


Paul W. Reeves

Your Child's Basic Needs

As you might have guessed, after actively interacting with children for over 25 years, I have a plethora of anecdotal stories that elicit humorous, interesting, sad, exhilarating, depressing, and uplifting emotions.

One of the saddest group of stories involves lack of parental involvement in a child’s life. Boys and girls look to their parents for nurturing, support (emotional and financial), love, attention, and the general feeling that there is somebody in world to take care of them.

During one particular school day, the head of the Cafeteria, Mary, brought a student to me during the lunch period. According to Mary, the student, a 7th grade boy named Derrick, did not have lunch money, his pre-paid account had been exhausted, he did not bring food from home, and he was refusing to eat the free sandwich that was always offered to students in his situation.

Inexplicably, Derrick seemed to be quite angry about the free sandwich. I stated his options to him: Eat the free sandwich or call home, as I did not want him to continue with his day and the after-school basketball practice on an empty stomach. Derrick agreed to call his dad.

I escorted Derrick to my office to use my telephone. Although I could not hear his dad’s end of the conversation, I did hear Derrick speak the following words: “No, it’s your fault, because you wouldn’t get out of bed to give me the money”, “I kept asking you, but you just stayed in bed”, “You do this to me all the time”, “Well, you’re not the one who has to stay at school until 6:00 without eating”, “You know what? …. No, you’re the loser”. Derrick then hung up the phone.

Well, as you might have guessed, this situation quickly transformed from a story about a free sandwich into a story that contained several elements. Derrick and I sat down at my office table. After I chastised him for speaking to his father in such disrespectful tones, I asked Derrick to explain his actions.

Through tears, he explained that to me that his dad drinks a lot, gets home most nights long after Derrick goes to bed, sleeps all day, goes out to eat in the afternoon, and then goes to work. Derrick further explained that his mother moved out a few years ago and that, because of his dad’s work and party schedule, he seldom gets to spend any time with his dad.

In short, Derrick’s dad had been given full responsibility for his son’s life. To put it mildly, Derrick’s dad had failed at every turn. After a number of years of neglectful treatment, Derrick had come to believe that his father did not love him, did not take care of his basic needs, and certainly did not support him.

I quickly made a 2-tier plan: The first step was to make sure that Derrick ate that day. I offered him a candy bar, BUT he had to eat the free sandwich first. He quickly agreed to that plan! As you might have guessed, Derrick thought that this would be a good plan for every future day, as well! So, yes, we made sure that we always had a supply of candy bars for Derrick AFTER he ate the sandwich each day!

The second step was to speak with his dad at a future basketball game about the need to take care of his son’s basis needs (I figured that I could talk to him about everything else later). However, as you might have guessed, Derrick’s dad never showed up for one of his son’s games. So, the second step eventually involved telephone calls, home visits, and the involvement of a team of people from the school and other governmental systems. Eventually, Derrick’s father became more involved with his son’s life (he even came to a basketball game!!), but the wasted years could never be recovered.

So the big questions are as follows:

1) Do you take care of your child’s basic needs every single day (love, support, nurturing, etc.)? Your child relies on you to provide for their health, safety, and well-being. In most cases, children do not have resources to provide for themselves. If Derrick had not become angry over the free sandwich, we never would have known of his plight and the school would not have stepped in to intervene. How many previous days did Derrick silently suffer before becoming he became angry on that day?

2) Does your child feel secure in this world with the knowledge that you will always be there to provide for his/her needs including clothing, food, shelter, etc.?

3) Do you know of a child in Derrick’s situation, in which it appears as though parents are not taking care of their children? If so, please report this information to your local school, so that they can quickly intervene and get the necessary help for the child!

Yes, as I indicated, in the world of dealing with children, there are many sad stories like Derrick’s. There are also some uplifting stories (the end of Derrick’s story was certainly better than the beginning!). I’ll provide one of those in August.

Hang in there and take excellent care of your kids!


Paul W. Reeves

Kids Growing Up - WHAT?!?!?

Well, O.K., it’s time to approach everybody for some help! That’s right, I’m looking for some advice! What’s the problem, you might be asking? Well, my14-year-old 8th grade daughter is about to leave for a week long trip with her school to Washington D.C.

This is the same 14-year-old girl that I used to have to rock to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AT 3:00 A.M. during the first year of her life because she needed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was also the little girl who needed my help to learn to ride her bike, learn the weekly enjoyment of pizza and a Slurpee from 7-11, learn the proper driving skills in her Barbie car, learn the finer points of baseball while watching a Tigers’ game on TV with me, learn to play the clarinet so that she could earn a1st division rating at this year’s Solo and Ensemble Band festival, and, well, you get the idea!!

It’s not so much the fact that she’ll be gone for a week. I can deal with that, as I know that she’ll be home next Saturday, whereupon we will immediately embark on a pizza/Slurpee journey! It’s not even so much the fact that she’s going to live for nearly a week without any direct help from me. No, I can deal with that, too (for one week, that is). I’ll even find something else to do at 6:00 a.m. each day this week (that’s the time that I usually wake her up with a cheerful hello and some sort of bad joke!!).

The problem is this: It’s that I can see the beginning of the end of life with my daughter in our house. People with older children have told me that kids actually grow up, become adults, move out, get married, have kids, and lead totally independent lives from their dads! Perhaps, those people were just teasing me. But, if all that they said is true, please pass along some advice!!

So, if you have older kids, how have you dealt with all of the above? Please pass along your comments for all to see, as your advice can be helpful to other parents, as well. As for my two boys (ages 8 and 11), I think that we just might have Slurpees and pizza every day this week! Even though my wife strongly discourages the consumption of pizza and Slurpees in our family, I have a feeling that she just might go for it this week!

And finally, I finished my inaugural basketball coaching season this past weekend as the assistant coach, as our team scored a thrilling 35-33 victory! The victory must have been the work of the head coach and the players, because the assistant coach was thinking about a very special 14-year-old girl who was sitting in the bleachers with her mom and her little brother .........................

So, parents, as exhausting and infuriating as it can sometimes be, have you thought about the times in the future when your kids will no longer live with you or even need your sage advice and wisdom on an hourly basis? The day is coming sooner than you think! So, use your time now to continue to raise your kids in the manner that you believe is best. There is a limited window of opportunity for you to help your kids find their way. Because one day, they just might leave for a week .... and discover that they can live without you ... OUCH!

To the parents who have experienced kids leaving the nest, how have you coped? Was it as difficult as it appears to be? Please pass along advice for everybody! Thanks!


Paul W. Reeves

Troubled Teen (1)

According to the National School Safety Center in Westlake Village, Calif., be concerned if your child (my comments are below each bold bullet):


* Has a history of tantrums or uncontrollable angry outbursts ---
While this might be "cute" when they're little, angry outbursts are usually signs of a serious underlying issue, including, but not necessarily limited to, depression, anger, emotional difficulty, possible addictions to a variety of items, poor relationships with peers and/or adults, etc.

When angry outbursts occur with some regularity, be quick to seek the source of anger through questioning your child, his/her Principal, teachers and other school officials, church workers, and others who are acquainted with your child.

If all else fails, get your child to a professional therapist as soon as possible, as unaddressed anger issues will continue to build and fester and then become major issues that will retard later development.


* Uses abusive language or calls people names ---
Similar to the above-referenced advice, abusive language, unless you tolerate, promote, and model such behavior, is often a call for help! My advice: Do not allow your child to engage in the use of abusive language for any purpose. Of course, parental modeling of proper language would be a big help.

However, if abusive language persists, since it is most likely a call for help, get immediate help from your support group up to and including professional help.


* Makes violent threats when angry ---
Have you ever been physically threatened by your child? I certainly hope not. However, from my years as a Principal and Teacher, I can tell you with certainty that it is not an isolated incident when a child threatens his/her parent. If your child threatens you, he/she might need to be removed from the home for a brief period or longer.

I am reminded of one particular parent who told me that she was never sure that she would awaken each morning, because she feared that her son was going to kill her while she was sleeping! He had threatened to kill her while she slept and so, instead of getting him the necessary help, she chose to sleep in fear each night.

No, no, and NO - do not tolerate this behavior. Your child (and perhaps others) needs immediate help. Do not wait for another second. Call your child's school, friends, church, etc. for professional references.

Be prepared on this one: If your child has escalated his/her intolerant behavior to the point of physically threatening one or both of the parents, the "cure" will not come soon. Rather, it might take years before the reasons for the behavior are discovered and properly weeded out!


As some have expressed in the past, I know that many of these stories can be disturbing. However, although there are multiple homes that function on a great level every single day, there are also several homes that have to deal with these issues on a continuing basis.

So, hang in there, love your kids, and use all of your resources to help them to properly be prepared to enter adulthood!!

(Please come back next week for Part 2)


Paul W. Reeves

Your Kids Are Watching You!!

Do your kids ever receive mixed messages from you? As with all cases, consistent and persistent messages from you, followed by consistent and persistent behavior from you, is one of the strongest and most dynamic methods by which you can convince your kids to avoid the life of the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS).

For example, do you daily preach the evils of UIS and then occasionally come home from a party in an inebriated state? Do you sternly lecture your kids about the dangers of UIS and then fill the air of your basement’s back room under the stairs with cigarette smoke? Do you strike fear in your kids about the perils of UIS and then rent a movie that glorifies drug use (there are certainly plenty of movies out there for this purpose!)?

You are an adult and you can make adult choices. Therefore, I am not utilizing this passage to pass along my views on how a parent should go about their personal business. However, I will tell you this: Your spoken words to your kids are very important. They will internalize your words, as well as their intent, and they will make life decisions based upon the direction that you give to them.

However, your actions speak much more loudly and with more clarity than your words ever will! While your words are important, over time your kids will respond and shape their lives in accordance with your actions more than with your words.

In simple terms, if you want your kids to avoid the dead-end road of “Use of Illegal Substances”, your actions will need to be consistent with your words 100% of the time with no exceptions!

Nobody ever said that parenting would be easy!

Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother ..... it is your children!!


Paul W. Reeves

Kids Smoking and Drinking?

According to a recent report from AScribe Newswire Center for the Advancement of Health, "Teen smoking and drinking do not occur in a vacuum -- both parents and peers may promote or discourage substance abuse among teens, according to a study of more than 4,500 students in the sixth, seventh and eighth grades".

"This is one of the first studies to report that both peer and parent influences are independently associated with smoking and drinking," said lead author Bruce Simons-Morton, Ed.D., M.P.H., of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development at National Institutes of Health, in Bethesda, Maryland.

The teen study participants took a substance abuse survey that included questions on how many of their friends smoke and drink and how often friends had encouraged them to smoke or drink over the past year. The teens were also asked how aware their parents were of their daily activities, about their parents' expectations concerning smoking and drinking and about their parents' level of regard for them.

Girls and boys who associated with friends who smoke and drank were more likely to do so themselves, the researchers found. "Our findings underscore the powerful influence affiliation with substance-using peers can have on smoking and drinking," said Simons-Morton.

In general, girls were more likely to drink than boys and were more susceptible to peer pressure from friends encouraging them to drink, according to the study. "This is consistent with other research suggesting that girls may be more susceptible than boys to peer influences to smoke or drink," noted Simons-Morton.

Parents also appeared to influence teen smoking and drinking, the researchers found. "Teens who perceived that their parents like them, respect them, take them seriously, listen to them and give reasons for rules and decisions that involve them were less likely to smoke and drink," said Simons-Morton.

"Teens with parents who do not establish clear behavioral expectations, do not keep themselves informed about their teen's life and do not demonstrate their regard for their teen are more likely to experiment with substance use," the researcher added.

Do you like and respect your kids? Of course you do! But, do your kids believe that you like and respect them? Do you take your kids seriously? Of course you do! But, it has been my experience that only when parents take the time to explain their thoughts to their kids (as opposed to just ordering them around and sternly lecturing them) do the kids actually feel as though they are liked, loved, and respected by their parents.

Also, do you have clear behavioral expectations for your kids? Do they know what they are? After working with thousands of middle school kids over the years, it has become clear that kids seek and desire clear rules and expectations from their parents.

Yes, they will rebel and try to circumvent the rules, but only as an attempt to test your love for them! Be consistent, be clear, and always check on your kids, to help to ensure that they are staying away from all forms of drugs.

Hang in there! Your kids need you!!


Paul W. Reeves

TALK! TALK! TALK!

One of the most important steps that you can take with your child toward the prevention of Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), as well as a host of other topics, is to TALK!TALK!TALK! (TTT) to him/her monthly, weekly, and even daily, depending on the situation. It also helps if you use this precautionary method as soon as he/she is old enough to understand the message, but, if you’ve waited until now, it’s still not too late.

Before you utilize the TTT method, you must first gain an understanding of your child, so that you can determine which approach will work the best. For example if your child is able to listen to you without feeling threatened, the one-on-one approach might work best. If your child tunes you out during one-on-one discussions or immediately feels threatened or unloved due to your approach, then a non-direct eye contact method should be used.

For example, when facing my daughter one-on-one for a prolonged, caring discussion, she is able to understand my message, internalize it, and put it to use. It is also during these times that she is able to understand that I truly care about her and that I want the best for her.

However, my oldest son does not respond well to this approach, except in small increments. After a few moments of the one-on-one approach, he will make attempts to divest himself of the conversation, try to change the subject, or intentionally show that he is not truly internalizing my message.

He is not being disrespectful; he is simply unable to face a constant onslaught of these one-on-one direct messages. As his parent, I can force him to remain in place for my lecture, but due to his personality and his increasing desire to be removed from the conversation, my message does not have the impact that I desire. In fact, due to the fact that he is constantly trying to think of ways to get out of the lecture, he will not retain most of my message.

However, when I talk to him while driving the car, lying on his bedroom floor with him on his bed (both of us on our backs, staring at the ceiling, and avoiding eye contact), or chatting during the preparation of breakfast, my messages are well-received. In fact, these situations seem to encourage him to verbally respond in appropriate ways!

In order to effectively communicate your message of non-UIS and other issues to your child, first determine the proper method of communication with your child. Don’t become frustrated if the first several approaches and/or locales do not work effectively. Keep on trying new communication avenues until you find the right one for your individual child. And remember, each child is different, even when within the same family!

Stop by next week for some tips to use when engaging in detailed and successful TALK!TALK!TALK! session between you and child!!


Paul W. Reeves

Illicit Substances-Keep Away!

Your child receives multiple messages about the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS) each day from friends, television, magazines, movies, etc. How many do they receive from you?

Do they receive any? Do your kids actually know your views on UIS? Do they firmly believe that there will be dire consequences if you were to find out that they have been experimenting with UIS?

As difficult as it may be, it is not the job of the school, church, counselors, your kids’ friends, or other adults to lay and maintain the foundation for your kids to understand that UIS is forbidden in your house and in your family. It is your job and, if you haven’t already done so, the time to begin is now. As I have seen this happen way too many times in my years with middle school kids, there will come a time when it will be too late for you to have any influence on your kids in this area.

Unfortunately, when kids engage in UIS to the point that they do harm to themselves or others, including possible fatalities or severe injuries through car accidents or other erratic behavior, your time to prevent such disasters will have long passed and the people who will fill in the gaps that you created will be law enforcement officers, judges, attorneys, and insurance agents! Of course, all of the intervention from those groups can be avoided if we promise to be highly involved with our kids’ lives.

If you haven't already done so, get involved with giving your kids the proper messages on staying away from UIS. They are already getting messages that UIS is cool, trendy, "everybody does it", etc. It is YOUR job to ensure that they receive the proper message to stay from the Use of Illicit Substances!!

Hang in there, give your kids the right messages, and monitor their behavior and friends, and they will be given a tremendous opportunity to grow up to be healthy, productive, and happy adults!


Paul W. Reeves

Illicit Substances-Ned's Story

When raising middle school kids, it must be remembered that our kids might be involved with legal or illegal drugs in various ways. Unfortunately, even in the best homes, experimentation with drugs during the middle school years is common. Just as unfortunate, our middle school kids often don’t see the link between their actions today and the consequences tomorrow. They also have a tendency to feel indestructible and immune to the problems that others experience. You remember that feeling, don’t you?

Using alcohol and tobacco at a young age increases the risk of using other drugs later. Some teens will experiment and stop, or continue to use occasionally, without significant problems. Others will develop a dependency, moving on to more dangerous drugs and causing significant harm to themselves and possibly others.

During my years as a Middle School Assistant Principal, I once lived in the same neighborhood as my students (unbelievably, my house was never egged!!). One of my neighbors, Ned, was a classic, textbook case of a middle school child who initially engaged in smoking cigarettes behind the shed in his backyard (he stole the cigarettes from his dad and uncle) and then “graduated” into cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs that he was able to purchase (his dad was quite wealthy and, instead of giving him the love and guidance that he needed, he peppered him with money, not only the $100.00 per week for allowance, but also anytime Ned asked for money, his dad gladly forked it over!).

Early on, before I realized the details of Ned’s forays into the world of the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS), I sought to gain Ned’s confidence, so that I could help him succeed. Ned was a very bright student with good leadership skills and a promising future. However, he always seemed to choose the wrong road with his school work, his teachers, his choice of friends, and his relationship with his parents and sister (also a student at my school). As I began to spend time with Ned, it was clear that he was perpetually bothered by something.

His mother seemed quite nice, although somewhat immature and, perhaps, not the best candidate for a mother to a child who was suffering. His father, a successful attorney with movie star looks seemed to be the only hope for Ned on the home front. Although I delved into every aspect of Ned’s life with him, I always came up empty, as he never wanted to talk about his parents, he wanted to keep all of his friends (most of whom also seemed to be destined for failure in life), and he certainly didn’t want anything to do with school, even though he was easily capable of earning all A’s on his report card.

Then, of course, it finally hit me. Ned’s problems centered around not only his continual UIS, but particularly his never-ending request to get more and more and stronger and stronger substances. Ned continued through cigarettes, cigars, marijuana, alcohol, inhalants, cold medication, and then illegal drugs to the point that he needed serious intervention and medical attention for his highly developed addiction.

After Ned entered a treatment program, I began to get to know his dad. His dad was very difficult to get to know, as he always seemed distant and unwilling to discuss his family’s situation. At times, Ned’s dad became visibly angry with me as I asked questions that were intended to help his son.

After spending about six months speaking with Ned’s dad off-and-on in my office, in the backyard, and near his mailbox, he began to share his reasons for his anger. He had lectured and yelled at Ned since he was young about the dangers of UIS. Hardly a day went by in which his dad didn’t blast away about the perils of UIS. As such, his dad was hurt and angry that Ned had gone down the road of drug addiction to the point that he needed intervention to save his life. His dad felt like a failure.

However, I learned that the behavior of Ned’s dad did not align with his daily spoken words to his son. Ned’s dad drank heavily (he was inebriated on most nights and actually became drunk once or twice a week), he smoked marijuana in the basement, he slept with a variety of women (yes, we was married!), he was gone for a few days each week, and, in general, his personal life was a mess.

So, even though his words to Ned were accurate and were delivered with great consistency, since his actions did not even remotely mirror his words, Ned fell into a world of severe drug addiction. To paraphrase the song “Cat in the Cradle”, Ned had an inner desire to be just like his dad, despite his words. Unfortunately, Ned had accomplished his goal. With Ned’s I.Q. and desire for success, I am convinced that, if his dad’s behavior had been aligned with his words throughout Ned’s early years, Ned would have not been enticed by the world of UIS.

Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother .... it's your children! Yes, parenting can be difficult (you actually have to watch your own behavior - OUCH!), but the rewards of successful parenting will bring a lifetime of rewards for you, your children, the children of your children, etc.

Hang in there and remember that your kids are watching you! Outwardly live the life that you want them to live!!


Paul W. Reeves